Due to poor demand I have lowered my standards

I haven't been on a date in almost two years, and that date went so badly I ended up running away, literally.

You know where that guy took me? Behind a bush to make out. We went for a walk, he checked out every girl that passed us and then took a b-line behind a plant. And if that wasn't bad enough his breath was rank, like he had festering sewage fermenting in his stomach.

A few months previous to this I had a bad date at a coworker's house where I accidently lost my virginity while watching TV. I was watching that HBO movie about that guy who was in Doctor Strangelove. It was the scene where he's talking to Stanley Kubrick, I wasn't paying attention and all of a sudden this guy inserted his penis into my vagina. He was finished before I even had time to properly react. He went to take a shower and I was just lying there thinking "what the fuck just happened."

So basically it wouldn't take much to impress me. I am not overweight.