Fellow Daters

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

10 Reasons You Shouldn't Date Me

1 - I am a single parent - and god knows we're common enough, you should waste your time elsewhere.

2 - I do have stretch marks - as kat williams says, " either you were small and got big, or you were big and got small, but either way ... we're fuckin!"

3 - I am not a virgin. nor am i anorexic. nor docile nor desiring of abuse. nor petite, nor in need of rescuing as i am rarely in distress. in fact i am a multi-orgasmic, sex-positive tomboy. I am highly intellectual if you care to engage me in conversation - but if you don't, I will silently fuck your brains out, rock your world and leave you wondering who I was , for the rest of your sweet, sweet precous life.

4 - I'm an artist. And everyone knows how crazy artists are. That craziness may include indulging in adult pleasures, disregarding societal conventions, or merely extremely ill-advised fashion choices.

5 - I'm not a supermodel!! Physically speaking, I don't fit into any one category. Tall ... Curvalicious, but proportionate. Five foot nine or ten, about 180-something with major curves in all the right places. Caramel-colored, curly-haired, wide-grinned, ethnically vague, I am commonly mistaken for a white girl on the phone or a Hispanic girl on the telemarketers lists, and a black chick by my politics (Obama '08!). :) I've even been mistaken for Hawaiian or other South Asian. So, I don't fit into whatever box you've decided your trophy wife will reside in. I'm not particularly sorry. I don't think you should be either! I have a decidedly live and let live philosophy.

6 - sorry all you cute Jewish guys that dig me, I'm not jewish - in fact i'm not even white! We can pretend but we both know your mom is totally going to freak. Let's save ourselves the agony.

7 - I'm sorry, I'm just way too tall for you. Unless you're six foot, if I wear heels I'm going to dwarf and emasculate you. And I like you too much to do that to you.

8 - You really hate sexual experimentation, and independent art, music, or any other deviation from normal society. In fact you're quite Republican and couldn't ever tolerate someone with a fresh perspective.

9 - I like trees, so if you're a lumberjack, we just wouldn't work out. really.

10 - You're just not ready for a woman who will love you and take care of you to the very marrow of your bones, and treat you like royalty, and not even have to expect that you will reciprocate ... because she knows that you will.

If you're not ready, I don't judge you. I salute you and move on. Peace.

2 People said what they thought:

Beth said...

I think she actually sounds pretty cool!

Anonymous said...

Actually, she does sound really cool. This doesn't quite fit with the flow of this site.