Friday, December 11, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Do you wanna be my first boy friend in VA. I live in VAB. Single black woman , no kids ,do not smoke, I'm 5' 6", 120 Ibs ,I like music, movies.
Include this when contacting me.your height ,weight, your occupation, smoke or non smoke, drink or don't drink, have kids or no kids.
I wanna know every thing about you.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
I often come to your place of employment for two reasons: (1) to get the fuck away from my parents, with whom I have lived since graduation because the economy hasn't been too kind to people who decided to concentrate in dead languages/liberal arts, and (2) to seek out new and exciting sexual opportunities. Living with one's parents is not particularly kind to one's sex life, and with graduation, so many of those undergraduate opportunities for anonymous sex seem to disappear.
As I sip my four-dollar latte, which is worth about half an hour of unskilled labor at the job I have, for which I am woefully overqualified, and furiously brush away erase turds from my professional school test prep workbook, I survey the cafe for a quick, escapist fantasy. Even though I'm not sure you're not in high school, you're likely the best option for my sick, caffeine-fueled fetish. (Cougarin' it up is the newest thing right? And as a twenty-something, I'm forced to consider statutory). I begin to envision l'affaire du cafe -- some combination of Amelie and the cafe skin scenes from Zack and Miri Make a Porno. But, wait! I suddenly realize I find you less attractive than Seth Rogen. SETH ROGEN.
In order to co-star in my mental menage a deux, you'll need to reconsider your wardrobe, demeanor, hair cut, posture and lifestyle -- or else quit your job, to free up the position for some scrawny, dirty, bearded hipster barista better suited for the part.
Please remove all American Eagle logo T-shirts from your wardrobe. Perhaps you're new to the hip barista world, but know hence forth that deep-V American Appeal T-shirts are the preferred costume choice for barista pornos. That violet shirt will show you are at once confident in your masculinity but also able to appreciate Bon Iver. It will look even better on the floor by the panini press. ;) Consider also exceptionally tight jeans. Much like the glass-covered pastry display, these will allow customers to preview your . . . pastry.
Also, please look to the haircuts of any male who isn't still fretting over the Y2K bug. Any statement you're attempting to make with your matted, overgrown mushroom cut is one of misplaced irony. Please note your hair is not disheveled or wild. Not even Pete Wentz would sport this washed up Backstreet Boys look. Cut it/grow it/dye it. SOMETHING.
On the topic of hair, I doth protest the landing strip-like patch of goatee under your bottom lip and your weak attempt at beard growth. When I look at your mouth/facial hair combo, I think of my own vagina, alarmed at its resemblance to your face, and not imaging the oral pleasures you might provide. While I want no more commitment from you than the time it takes me to re-focus on my problem sets, your beard demands and deserves much more. The beard is in it to win it. Give it a chance.
If you can also manage to slouch a little more, appear slightly more sullen and reassure me that you are/plan to be a graphic designer/grad student/musician/poet, I am sure I can be your little sex pot, all steamed up and ready to shout. You can look forward to a better money shot than the 19 cents I left in your tip jar earlier today.
Are you ready for post-coital discussions of Dave Eggers? Tell me what my favorite Vampire Weekend song is.
Friday, November 13, 2009
10) Please be local, fit, over 40, and have a posted picture.
9) Pick Me! Pick Me!
8) So, you wanna make out?
7) Romantic men seem to be extinct. If you're extinct, contact me now.
6) Guys who just want sex need not apply.
5) Looking for a summer fling.
4) No picture, no response!
3) Really not interested in a guy who's old enough to be my father.
2) Just because I don't have a picture doesn't mean I'm not good looking!
and the number one most direct profile subject header....
1) I need a husband!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Hello guys!! I'm an attractive, exotic lady in her early 40s. Professional, educated, with a great personality. I look young for my age, take care of myself, work out on a reg basis. I have a gorgeous set of long brown hair, height-&-weight proportionate... I am sweet & affectionate, if we click! I like talking, kissing, going slow... initially ... until I get to know you more.
**Looking for an HONEST SWM who is fit/athletic, professional, educated, active and likes to have fun! Here's my "problem"... I am great in bed & I do have a high sex drive... if you are open to having a relationship with me - being that I have another relationship but nothing very serious right now. I see him on occasion, once or twice a week. We are both clean, been together exclusively for many years. He is open to this idea of me having another "exclusive" relationship, so this is not a problem...
If you are OPEN to this kind of set up, let me know & tell me why you think you would be the BEST candidate for this. I am definitely a catch & I will only consider someone who is mature, gainfully employed/successful & sweet/considerate. Most of all, if you can consider this as that "exclusive" thing between us at least in the interim, that would be great. Our health should be first & foremost so that we can look forward to a long life, enjoying intimacy even at an older age in the decades to come. Hey, I'm just being realistic! Lol ;-)
If you think this is something you can consider, send me a pic & tell me about yourself. Please be HONEST & tell the truth from the very beginning. I have worked in the IS field & I will find out quickly if you are lying... So let's do this right right from the start... Okay?
Just a NOTE: If you have pets I'm allergic to cats & dogs, don't force me to ride your bike/Harley, & clean-cut/military is a plus! [no facial hair] Let's see where this thing will lead us. I look forward to hearing from you! :)
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Here's the deal: I'm a 23 year old girl trapped inside a relationship that ultimately amounts to the relationship between B.F. Skinner and one of his animal test subjects. No matter how much Skinner may care for his pigeon, a healthy relationship can never blossom from the current wreckage, and I need to break free from this box. You're probably wondering, if you know the relationship is so bad, and that he doesn't care about you enough to put forth the effort to make things work, why don't you just leave? The main dilemma lies here: I have been conditioned extremely well. Behavior conditioned by intermittent reinforcement is the most difficult and time consuming to extinguish. I've been in this box for about nine months with nothing to do but cultivate hopes and dreams. And there's this lever. It's gotta do something. Press... nothing.
I thought it did something. Who puts a lever in a box that doesn't do anything? Better press it again, just to make sure. Neat! Indications of affection and consideration dropped into the box. I'm pressing that lever again if I get attention for it! What the hell? This worked a second ago. Press press press press press press press press press press press... DAMN IT! This is useless. I'll just press it like one more-oh hey, is that care and affection?!
It's gotten to be quite difficult, you see. This is why I require reconditioning. Please email what leads you to believe that you are qualified to recondition me. Oh and please be prepared to utilize positive reinforcement, because I'm thinking I'm the sort of girl who derives pleasure from punishment.
Friday, October 30, 2009
A young lady, country bred, but easily tamed and civilized, would like to correspond with a city gentleman, with a view to matrimony. It is necessary for him to be wealthy, and not less than forty years of age, as she would "rather be an old man's darling than a young man's slave." The advertiser is 21, and presumes her manners and appearance will recommend her to tastes not overly fastidious; also a lady of position, and will expect replies from responsible parties only; therefore, triflers, take heed. Address Matilda, station D, Post office.
For more click here.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
A dating profile username is basically the same as a product brand name. Dating profiles should be enticing, making people want to click through and find out more about you but some usernames can have the opposite effect.
Would you buy a chocolate bar called ‘vomit’ or a car called ‘breaksdownalot’? I doubt it, so why would anyone think people would be attracted by these real dating profile usernames:
1. Neverfaithful – well you get 10 out of 10 for honesty but I bet you don’t get many dates.
2. ManiacKiller – hey let’s meet soon, somewhere dark and devoid of witnesses!!
3. Boredofdating – well if you are bored of dating then why are you on a dating site? That just screams I want a husband and I want one now.
4. I’mboring – not going to want to read the rest of your profile then am I?
5. Falsetits44 – you have to be kidding me, you want to advertise that you are 44 and just had a boob job?
6. Princesstopamper – that just screams you are going to be high maintenance and hard work.
7. Stretchmarks – okay so you have had babies and now have stretchmarks but do you think that is the first thing you should tell some about you?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
10) Feel free to interact with me. All my shots are current!
9) You must be over 5’10” to read this profile.
8) I bathe every day!
7) Is this thing like eBay?
6) Shopping for Guys – And They Said There Was No Such Store!
5) Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until they speak?
4) I'm like poop. The older I get the easier I am to pick up!
3) Coffee, Chocolate, and Men - some things are just better rich.
2) I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.
and the number one funniest profile header....
1) Willing to lie about how we met!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Blah blah, whatever. Indifferent woman. Go ahead and write. Box no. 3253. Like I care.
Your stars for today: A pretty Cancerian, 35, will cook you a lovely meal, caress your hair softly, then squeeze every damn penny from your adulterous bank account before slashing the tyres of your Beamer. Let that serve as a warning. Now then, risotto?
Attention male London Review of Books readers: 'Greetings, earthling -- I have come to infest your puny body with legions of my spawn' is no way to begin a reply. Female, 36 -- suspicious of any men declaring themselves to be in possession of a 'great sense of humor.'
I'm just a girl who can't say 'no' (or 'anaesthetist'). Lisping Rodgers and Hammerstein fan, female lecturer in politics (37) WLTM man to 40 for thome enthanted eveningth.
Love is strange -- wait 'til you see my feet. F, 34, wide-fitting Scholl's.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.
SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.
Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Hello hello hello. I am young and noninhibited. I look sort of like the devil. Blonde and luxurious, with thighs look like toothpick. My interests include motorcycle. Are you the right man for me?
Do you enjoy dressing up in police costume? Are you close to my age and live nearby? Do you LOVE to get messages on your back and shoulder after a hard day at work? Please write back to me. My ideal date is somewhere long ago. Castles! and princesses!!!! If you want a real princess, send me an email!
If you send me a picture of your penis then I will erase right nowand vomit. No please!!!!! Also, if you cannt rate yourself at least 85/100 in terms of how you rate yourself, don’t answer.
I am looking for education and jokes.TALL not fat. Not skinny ears.
Please do not disappoint. I want to fall in love by this beatiful ocean. Please love dog cat racoon iguana hamster& gerbil because I have several.
This is Ulysses S Grant. Please love greal heros of this great country, and of my country too!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
This is bad: I'm 25 and divorced twice (technically once, the second marriage was annulled) But this is good: You can ask my friends and familoy, neither of these break ups were my fault. I have no children and I've been through a hell of alot more than most my age, which has made me into the good and caring person I am today.
This is bad: I have major abandonment issues. Therefore, if my man starts acting cold or doesn't call me when he promised he would, I will be paranoid and wonder if it's becuase he doesn't like me anymore. At least for the first few months. This is good: When I do finally reach the point where I stop being afraid, I can be a girlfriend from the gods. I love doing wonderful little surprises and making my man smile.
This is bad: I will get moody and jealous if your ex girlfriend calls you. This is good: I will always give the same faithfulness and trustworthyness to my man that I expect from him. A relationship is NOTHING without trust.
This is bad: I will give my man the silent treatment if I'm angry with him. This is good: I will never yell at my man in public or put on an episode of Jerry Springer at his work becuase I'm upset with him.
This is bad: I don't really feel like this is my life. It's not the story I was supposed to have, the one that's in my heart. This is good: I'm not so damaged that I'm not willing to keep trying.
This is bad: I'm not really looking for a serious relationship. Just a "we will see" friend. This is good: I'm not really looking for a serious relationship. Just a "we will see" friend.
This is bad: This posting may have made me out to be a real psychotic bitch. This is good: At least I will never have to hide who I am or my insecurities. That would be nice for a change.