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Sunday, November 1, 2009

Pigeon seeks researcher for Skinnerian reconditioning

Here's the deal: I'm a 23 year old girl trapped inside a relationship that ultimately amounts to the relationship between B.F. Skinner and one of his animal test subjects. No matter how much Skinner may care for his pigeon, a healthy relationship can never blossom from the current wreckage, and I need to break free from this box. You're probably wondering, if you know the relationship is so bad, and that he doesn't care about you enough to put forth the effort to make things work, why don't you just leave? The main dilemma lies here: I have been conditioned extremely well. Behavior conditioned by intermittent reinforcement is the most difficult and time consuming to extinguish. I've been in this box for about nine months with nothing to do but cultivate hopes and dreams. And there's this lever. It's gotta do something. Press... nothing.

I thought it did something. Who puts a lever in a box that doesn't do anything? Better press it again, just to make sure. Neat! Indications of affection and consideration dropped into the box. I'm pressing that lever again if I get attention for it! What the hell? This worked a second ago. Press press press press press press press press press press press... DAMN IT! This is useless. I'll just press it like one more-oh hey, is that care and affection?!

It's gotten to be quite difficult, you see. This is why I require reconditioning. Please email what leads you to believe that you are qualified to recondition me. Oh and please be prepared to utilize positive reinforcement, because I'm thinking I'm the sort of girl who derives pleasure from punishment.

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