Fellow Daters

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Yeah this is going to work.

Do you wanna be my first boy friend in VA. I live in VAB. Single black woman , no kids ,do not smoke, I'm 5' 6", 120 Ibs ,I like music, movies.

Include this when contacting me.your height ,weight, your occupation, smoke or non smoke, drink or don't drink, have kids or no kids.

I wanna know every thing about you.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I wear my sunglasses at night

I guess these women never heard that the eyes are the window into the soul.
Or maybe they did ...

She just added insult to injury with this picture. Yeah it screams LTR.

Friday, November 20, 2009

To my poorly dressed, not-quite-artistic, generically dirty Barista:

I often come to your place of employment for two reasons: (1) to get the fuck away from my parents, with whom I have lived since graduation because the economy hasn't been too kind to people who decided to concentrate in dead languages/liberal arts, and (2) to seek out new and exciting sexual opportunities. Living with one's parents is not particularly kind to one's sex life, and with graduation, so many of those undergraduate opportunities for anonymous sex seem to disappear.

As I sip my four-dollar latte, which is worth about half an hour of unskilled labor at the job I have, for which I am woefully overqualified, and furiously brush away erase turds from my professional school test prep workbook, I survey the cafe for a quick, escapist fantasy. Even though I'm not sure you're not in high school, you're likely the best option for my sick, caffeine-fueled fetish. (Cougarin' it up is the newest thing right? And as a twenty-something, I'm forced to consider statutory). I begin to envision l'affaire du cafe -- some combination of Amelie and the cafe skin scenes from Zack and Miri Make a Porno. But, wait! I suddenly realize I find you less attractive than Seth Rogen. SETH ROGEN.

In order to co-star in my mental menage a deux, you'll need to reconsider your wardrobe, demeanor, hair cut, posture and lifestyle -- or else quit your job, to free up the position for some scrawny, dirty, bearded hipster barista better suited for the part.

Please remove all American Eagle logo T-shirts from your wardrobe. Perhaps you're new to the hip barista world, but know hence forth that deep-V American Appeal T-shirts are the preferred costume choice for barista pornos. That violet shirt will show you are at once confident in your masculinity but also able to appreciate Bon Iver. It will look even better on the floor by the panini press. ;) Consider also exceptionally tight jeans. Much like the glass-covered pastry display, these will allow customers to preview your . . . pastry.

Also, please look to the haircuts of any male who isn't still fretting over the Y2K bug. Any statement you're attempting to make with your matted, overgrown mushroom cut is one of misplaced irony. Please note your hair is not disheveled or wild. Not even Pete Wentz would sport this washed up Backstreet Boys look. Cut it/grow it/dye it. SOMETHING.

On the topic of hair, I doth protest the landing strip-like patch of goatee under your bottom lip and your weak attempt at beard growth. When I look at your mouth/facial hair combo, I think of my own vagina, alarmed at its resemblance to your face, and not imaging the oral pleasures you might provide. While I want no more commitment from you than the time it takes me to re-focus on my problem sets, your beard demands and deserves much more. The beard is in it to win it. Give it a chance.

If you can also manage to slouch a little more, appear slightly more sullen and reassure me that you are/plan to be a graphic designer/grad student/musician/poet, I am sure I can be your little sex pot, all steamed up and ready to shout. You can look forward to a better money shot than the 19 cents I left in your tip jar earlier today.

Are you ready for post-coital discussions of Dave Eggers? Tell me what my favorite Vampire Weekend song is.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Top 10 Most Direct Subject Headers

10) Please be local, fit, over 40, and have a posted picture.

9) Pick Me! Pick Me!

8) So, you wanna make out?

7) Romantic men seem to be extinct. If you're extinct, contact me now.

6) Guys who just want sex need not apply.

5) Looking for a summer fling.

4) No picture, no response!

3) Really not interested in a guy who's old enough to be my father.

2) Just because I don't have a picture doesn't mean I'm not good looking!

and the number one most direct profile subject header....

1) I need a husband!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Picture iMperfect

A little too much Guitar Hero.

Going for the deer look.

The eyes have it.

You're not suppose to use the out takes.

Got to show those tongue piercings off.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Looking for something different

Hello guys!! I'm an attractive, exotic lady in her early 40s. Professional, educated, with a great personality. I look young for my age, take care of myself, work out on a reg basis. I have a gorgeous set of long brown hair, height-&-weight proportionate... I am sweet & affectionate, if we click! I like talking, kissing, going slow... initially ... until I get to know you more.

**Looking for an HONEST SWM who is fit/athletic, professional, educated, active and likes to have fun! Here's my "problem"... I am great in bed & I do have a high sex drive... if you are open to having a relationship with me - being that I have another relationship but nothing very serious right now. I see him on occasion, once or twice a week. We are both clean, been together exclusively for many years. He is open to this idea of me having another "exclusive" relationship, so this is not a problem...

If you are OPEN to this kind of set up, let me know & tell me why you think you would be the BEST candidate for this. I am definitely a catch & I will only consider someone who is mature, gainfully employed/successful & sweet/considerate. Most of all, if you can consider this as that "exclusive" thing between us at least in the interim, that would be great. Our health should be first & foremost so that we can look forward to a long life, enjoying intimacy even at an older age in the decades to come. Hey, I'm just being realistic! Lol ;-)

If you think this is something you can consider, send me a pic & tell me about yourself. Please be HONEST & tell the truth from the very beginning. I have worked in the IS field & I will find out quickly if you are lying... So let's do this right right from the start... Okay?

Just a NOTE: If you have pets I'm allergic to cats & dogs, don't force me to ride your bike/Harley, & clean-cut/military is a plus! [no facial hair] Let's see where this thing will lead us. I look forward to hearing from you! :)

Monday, November 2, 2009

Picture iMperfect

Remember always go with your best picture.

Times are tough and a full wardrobe is hard to come by.

It's not pierced so why are you showing it.

As you can see I'm totally over my ex.

You are correct this is the best picture their will ever be of you.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Pigeon seeks researcher for Skinnerian reconditioning

Here's the deal: I'm a 23 year old girl trapped inside a relationship that ultimately amounts to the relationship between B.F. Skinner and one of his animal test subjects. No matter how much Skinner may care for his pigeon, a healthy relationship can never blossom from the current wreckage, and I need to break free from this box. You're probably wondering, if you know the relationship is so bad, and that he doesn't care about you enough to put forth the effort to make things work, why don't you just leave? The main dilemma lies here: I have been conditioned extremely well. Behavior conditioned by intermittent reinforcement is the most difficult and time consuming to extinguish. I've been in this box for about nine months with nothing to do but cultivate hopes and dreams. And there's this lever. It's gotta do something. Press... nothing.

I thought it did something. Who puts a lever in a box that doesn't do anything? Better press it again, just to make sure. Neat! Indications of affection and consideration dropped into the box. I'm pressing that lever again if I get attention for it! What the hell? This worked a second ago. Press press press press press press press press press press press... DAMN IT! This is useless. I'll just press it like one more-oh hey, is that care and affection?!

It's gotten to be quite difficult, you see. This is why I require reconditioning. Please email what leads you to believe that you are qualified to recondition me. Oh and please be prepared to utilize positive reinforcement, because I'm thinking I'm the sort of girl who derives pleasure from punishment.