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Fellow Daters

Sunday, December 12, 2010

First Dates

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Voices

Friday, September 17, 2010

TMI

You may be getting a rise somewhere, but its not with me.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Picture iMperfect 907


It's all about choices. Having them is good, well except #3.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Picture iMperfect 903


A good mom who's prepared for the Apocalypse or a zombie attack.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Picture iMperfect 902


Damn those low riding jeans.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Picture iMperfect 831


I love women with more facial hair than me.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Picture iMperfect


Yeowzers! A woman who knows how to handle a gun.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Picture iMperfect

Being a good mother is always a quality I look for in a potential date.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Picture iMperfect

Looking for a new boyfriend. Will be available after 9.

Fleas?

Yeah this has some guy living in his parent's basement written all over it.

The Worse Headlines

If you're a guy perusing the online scene these are the women you stay away from.

1. blah, blah, blah

2. A little bit curious

3. You could be the one

4. Look for Prince Charming

5. Looking for someone interesting and kind

6. I can't believe I'm doing this

7. I'm the one your mother warned you about

8. Your last online date

9. Hi (Hello or Howdy there)

10. I might be the one your looking for!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Best/Worse of Profile Names

Your profile name is like a brand name. It will sell you or sink you real fast.

1. Neverfaithful – well you get 10 out of 10 for honesty but I bet you don’t get many dates.

2. Loveonly4you – and the other 30 women you contacted today. Sorry overly slushy is not attractive.

3. ManiacKiller – hey let’s meet soon, somewhere dark and devoid of witnesses!!

4. Boredofdating – well if you are bored of dating then why are you on a dating site? That just screams I want a husband and I want one now.

5. I’mboring – not going to want to read the rest of your profile then am I?

6. Falsetits44 – you have to be kidding me, you want to advertise that you are 44 and just had a boob job?

7. Princesstopamper – that just screams you are going to be high maintenance and hard work.

8. Stretchmarks – okay so you have had babies and now have stretchmarks but do you think that is the first thing you should tell some about you?

Not quite sure if it will float


Sunday, July 4, 2010

They're Creepy and Spooky

Forgot to take her meds I think.

Yes poking dead stuff always gets me hot.

The Pikachu Sutra. Hawt!!

At least she's honest about her likes.

Some cropping challenges here.

Well he'll have plenty of things to tell a therapist later in life.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Photoshop Challenged

I guess cropping is out of the picture.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Love & Texting

hello again, well am single mum of 2, thts jst lookin for gen guys 2 hav a chat n get 2 no, bn on ere a year n oh boy wot a laff, am a thin attractive gen lass with a good sense of humor, am a busy mum bt do lyk 2 let my hair down 2 with girls bn single 4 years had a few triels,lol, bt no wot am lookin for, maybe as a like single life 2 much who no's, no pervs please sick of sayin dnt do tht kinda chat guys, x

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Not Asking for Much

I am a single, free-spirted, web-savvy thirtysomething female. Living in the gorgeous Caroll Gardens for the past year, I love life and am only looking for a man who is not an idiotic pig-headed beer-swilling moron (which seems to be hard to find in this city). This is my final plea to the Craigslist community. I own my own internet business which means I don't get to leave the house much, but I do know the internet and its dating potential. So far it has let me down every single time. I've done MySpace, Facebook, Match.Com, eHarmony, and even Jdate (I'm not Jewish and don't care about Israel). Don't get me started on Jdate. But with so many people out there, at least ONE guy can match this. I know he's out there. My standards are exacting, but they're not too much to ask. Life is too short to compromise yourself! Here is what I am looking for. It's not much. If you're this guy or know this guy, have him contact me right away.

-non smoker
-must love cats and be open to the idea of future adoptions
-must not be more than one to five stops away from Carroll Gardens F train in either direction
-must not be opposed to wicker furniture
-must be 420 friendly
-must clean up hair from the tub after a trim, a ring of hair around the edge is GROSS
-past bar tending/table-serving experience a plus but not necessary
-some knowledge of vintage wine
-must be fluent in 2 languages (English DOES NOT count); I still like to practice my French from study abroad
-toilet paper must go over, NEVER under, when placed in dispenser
-PUT the lid DOWN. Animals have better manners than most men
-no stockbrokers, unemployed musicians, actors, or baristas
-no ravers, goths, punks, or rude boys
-musical taste must include, but not be limited to, Kingston Trip, Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Judy Collins
-name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B (Js are negotiable; Rs are not. Bs should consider that if they treat a cat nicely, it will respond accordingly; but if you scare it by approaching too fast, of course it will attack)
-must like scented candles (not vanilla); no incense
-must be willing to pay for dinner at least once a week at a Zagat-rated restaurant after proper research and scouting of restaurant
-must own more than 3 items from ?The North Face? jacket line but no more than 5
-owning a car is a plus, but it can't be a hatchback (some standards)
-I ski one weekend a year, so you ski. No shredders.
-must love Gary Larson, and hate Dilbert
-passionate about animal rights, but willing to take in the circus when it comes to town
-must read at least 3 books a month, no comics unless Gary Larson
-must have read complete works of Jane Austen
-must know how to turn a Word document into a PDF
-must be on T-Mobile for Fave 5 access-must love pinball and not play ping pong
-3 out of your 5 favorite movies should be John Hughes films
-must agree to watch "The Hills" on MTV on Sundays but hate that bitch Heidi, she is everything wrong with womankind
-must know CPR and have current certification, ++ for SCUBA certification
-must be home from 2-6pm on Saturdays to receive packages; bonus points if you're an Ebay power seller too!
-NO FELONS!!!
-must have all limbs, no quads (not biased, just poor past experience)
-Ivy League education desirable, but Amherst, UPenn, Colgate, Vassar, Georgetown etc. acceptable
-must have Scrabulous installed on Facebook during work hours
-must prefer dark chocolate over milk; no omnivores
-must like North-Eastern microbrews, NO COLORADO, NO EXCEPTIONS
-no corduroy pants, jackets, shirts, socks, caps, etc. And while we're on the subject of hats, no hats at all. Having a hat as part of your job costume is not an excuse.I know the guy for me is out there.

I've come so close to finding him in perfect form so many times. If you are this know or know this guy, PLEASE contact me. I am willing to make a few sacrifices, but not many. If you see yourself in even a FEW of my specifications, you are invited to apply. Think of it more like a guidebook to my heart. ~M

Monday, April 26, 2010

Hunter Partnership

"SWF seeks SWM who enjoys farming, zoo keeping and serious preparation for zombie invasion for friendship, LTR and possible marriage.

Must be willing to wear a kilt and own his own broadsword.
Must be down to earth kind of guy, no prior convictions, not subject to any criminal investigations. I will look you up on the state access database so don't bother lying about it. Am D/D free, you be too Must hold liberal political views, while still supporting gun ownership, hunting and private land rights.
No racists, homophobes, or fundamentalists. No Jehova Witnesses or Mormons.
Must love dogs and be approved by my dogs. Must be able to ride a horse and allow me to spend large amounts of time with my animals without complaint. Must take me fishing and buy me a pint now and then. You can go out with your buddies too, I am not the jealous sort. But, you better be home each night in case the zombie invasion begins.
I am a strong, intelligent country woman who can drive anything, haul 10 gallons of water to animals at a time, butcher a deer and run a trot line. Country folk will survive.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Doormats needs love too

Do you have a drinking problem? Do you believe your crappy childhood exempts you from having to be nice to other people? Is "enraged" the only emotion you are capable of feeling? Do you make twice as much as me, yet still need to borrow money a week after you get paid? If so, I am the lady for you! I'm a queer femme who enjoys being yelled at, ignored, and told what is best for me. I'm short, thin (maybe that will trigger your teenage eating disorder issues! Feel free to blame me!), and smart (unless you find that threatening! In which case I am not as smart as you!). I do have clinical depression, which I manage with medication and, ideally, a steady supply of judgment from you.

I'm looking to continue along my current dating path with someone who is immature, unpleasant, and bad at listening.

Bonus points if you: -fetishize my mixed-race background, use it to impress your liberal white friends, and know exactly what "my people" are doing wrong -make "ironic" racist jokes -are a spoiled ass mama's boy -have no friends of your own, preferring to use me for all of your emotional needs (if you must have your own friends, I would rather you use them to cheat on me and/or commiserate about what a terrible girlfriend I am) -hate fat people (although I am not fat myself, I love it when people rip on my friends and expect me to agree because of my genetics) -understand that being an asshole and apologizing for it later is exactly the same as not being an asshole in the first place -use "non-normatively gendered" as a synonym for "teeming with internalized misogyny" Hopefully we can build a lasting relationship and maybe move in together so that you can decorate the apartment with old beer cans filled with cigarette butts and containers of half-eaten takeout food covered in fruit flies. Don't worry, I'll clean up after you.

I'd prefer if you are white and middle-class so you can lord it over me all the time. Physical age unimportant as long as you are emotionally 9 years old.

10 Commandments of Profile Photos


1) Thou shalt not post a photo taken more than 2 years or 20 lbs ago.

2) Thou shalt not post a photo of you with your arm draped around your ex.

3) Thou shalt not post a photo taken in a three-minute photo booth

4) Thou shalt not post a photo with someone’s face blacked out or someone’s body cut out of the picture.

5) Thou shalt not post a photo where you are not smiling.

6) Thou shalt not post a photo where all of your friends are more attractive than you.

7) Thou shalt not post a group photo where a casual viewer can’t figure out which person you are.

8) Thou shalt not post a photo taken by a webcam.

9) Thou shalt not post a photo that shows too much skin.

10) Thou shalt not post a photo of Angelina Jolie.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Picture iMperfect

Putting your best cheek forward.

I'm hoping that's a piercing and not some weird growth.
I'm not quite sure what to say here except YEOWZERS!!!
Really? Is there no other picture of you.
The cult of the snake I see.
That's right. We don't need to see your face.

I see you have room for a man in your life.
Party on!

Friday, April 16, 2010

The "F" Word

Seeking a PGILTF

Which, as you may know (but probably don't since someone has just made it up!) stands for Passionate Guy I'd Like to F--. And of course when I say F---, I mean. . . F--- as in Form a Lasting Relationship. F--- as in Forge an Intimate Partnership. and mostly. .. . F--- as in Fall In Love. What did you think I meant by F---? (Oh well, maybe that too.) I can't help it. Maybe it's because I'm passionate myself but I have a thing for passionate guys that makes me want to F--- them. Well not all of them. Really I'm looking to Forge, Form and Fall (once again, see above. That's what I mean by F---) with just one. To achieve that perfect F---, it would help if my passionate guy was smart, literate, witty and loving as am I. At least aware of culture and creativity as am I. And rugged as am. . .of course I'm not rugged, more like 5"2" and curvy, and appealing in a mature but smartcityoutgoing sort of way. Anyway, if you're a passionate guy clever enough to have gotten past the shock of my approach to discover the soul of this message, please do respond with your photo (sorry, no photo, no reply). And I will reply with a picture of myself in kind. Together we could be F---ing amazing.

Friday, April 9, 2010

The Ultimate Man


I am a happy and blessed person. I try to find the humor in almost everything and my life is pretty much drama free and I'd like to keep it that way. I have to admit I'm more attracted to dark haired men who are in pretty good shape with a great sense of humor and a great smile when I make him happy which I will try to do alot. I have a 23 yr old son in the Navy who lives in CA and a 15 yr old daughter who is in modeling and acting and stays with friends quite often so I often have weekends free. The ultimate man will give me my dream car someday, a '69 Mustang Boss as in my photos.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Seeking bearded, overweight hipster

i realize this is kind of a specific request, but hey, it never hurts to go for what you want. i read this description of north american hipsters, and thought, "you know, that's actually the sort of guy i'm into." should i feel weird that my ideal dude can easily fit into a hilarious stereotype? maybe, but i'm going with it.

"Identification: Like a baby bird who has fallen from the nest, a twee twit is simply too soft and gentle for this world. He cannot abide bright colors or harsh materials, so he is usually swaddled in soft, pastel sweaters and corduroy pants. He might have a beard, because shaving is far too scary, and stubble is like sandpaper against his delicate features. He is mumbly and soft-spoken, but he doesn’t mind being unintelligible; he wouldn’t want to impose upon you unduly by putting forward an idea. He’s a cat person. He’s almost too much of a feminist to tolerate the act of sexual intercourse. He’s had the same girlfriend for eight years, and he doesn’t mind the fact that she’s gained a little weight. They throw the nicest dinner parties.

"Musical Taste: The twee twit mainly enjoys mellow post-shoegaze in which nothing much happens, gentle American indie-rock in which nothing much happens, and unobtrusive indie-hippie-folk in which nothing much happens. Too much distorted guitars or non-whispered vocals instantly melt these guys. Sigur RĂ³s has some really nice songs, but sometimes they get a little too raucous.

"How to Tame a Twee Twit: Give him a hug, or bake him some cookies. If you meet him in a record store, say “boy, I wish all Pavement songs sounded like ‘Here.’” "Benefits of Friendship: Twee twits are pretty much guaranteed to be nice, reliable, steadily employed, and inoffensive. They don’t mind packing a little bit of a paunch, so they’ll be willing to eat greasy diner food with you at 4 in the morning without bitching about gaining an ounce.

"Drawbacks of Friendship: Two words: Belle & Sebastian. There’s no escaping the fact that these guys like boring, boring music, and they’re going to get uncomfortable if you blast any crunk in your car (and why even have a car if you can’t blast crunk in it?) If his girlfriend dumps him, you will have to see him cry, and his tears and snot will get all in his beard." ...so if you feel a kindred spirit with that stereotype, please, feel free to message me. we can drink imported beer, be all ironical, watch movies that are way over our heads, give each other mix tapes (TAPES for real, i just bought a 7-pack of maxwell 90 minute tapes at cvs), write embarrassing letters, drunkenly make out, go bowling, cry, whatever. i shop at thrift stores but pretty much only buy shoes and doofy home accessories. i used to have a short, cute haircut, but i'm growing it out and it's in that floppy in-between stage. i have horrible taste in everything. i'm also extremely lazy, which is why i'm ending this ad now. p.s. you don't actually have to be bearded, overweight, or hipstery. just have that general aesthetic (ie "indie rock and diners" over "club beats and date raping drunk chicks")

p.p.s. this is the worst personal ad i've ever written. that should give you an idea of the type of effort i'm willing to put forth. hope to hear from you soon!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Oddity, For Serious Symbiotic Relationship

I'm not going to make you think I'm sweet all the time. I'm a real woman. We're not all glitter and coconut tanning oil. I can be sweet, and I can make you sweets, but I'm not a very good actress and I dont pretend to like kittens, babies, or sweatpants with words on the butt just to land a man. I like driving fast, I like drinking, I like being a little bit fat as long as I work out and eat correctly and maintain my health. I'm crafty and I have amazing skills all over the spectrum. We're talking magical. I'm adultish, very responsible and mature (but still feel like I'm seven most days), I make more money than most people I know (I always thought ...who cares about money? But apparently some guys do).

I'm currently dating 3 different people and hate all of them - give me a reason to cut them all and go with one guy... I need someone who craves me because I dont seek your approval but I want to be around you lots. I want you to want to be around me lots, too. I might sound like I am one of those immature girls who shops only at angry novelty clothing stores and hates the world; but I rather enjoy love, life, and laughing 90% of my awake-time. (The rest of the time, I spend playing practical jokes or kind of zoning out.)

I cant sleep right now, and tomorrow I'll definitely feel like wasting time at work in between presentations, so send me something original. Like a joke. Maybe a true story that is wild enough to be fiction. I dont want to hear about your daily routine, how many times per week you work out, or what your hair and eye color is. That can be email number two. Show me the real you.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Wacky Sites for Women



Tagline: None for either.

Clientele: Well, we know who the inmates are. But we can't imagine who'd want to write to them, aside from other inmates. You could just become pen pals, or you might find love. WomenBehindBars, for example, claims to have fostered 38 marriages in its 12-year existence. Special features: Most of the ads include the prisoner's release date, so you can make long-term plans, but neither site provides the details of each conviction. Inmate.com also features original convict art and writing, such as "The Continuing Saga of Icicle Bill and Tommy Two-Head," a buddy crime saga.

Tagline: None.

Clientele: Women who want breast augmentation, and men who want to help them. Basically, the women accrue money for surgery by chatting with the male clients.

Special features: Plenty of chatting, and for guys willing to pay, customized photos and videos of the girls (provided they agree to the requested poses/outfits/settings). Also, a contest in which a lucky woman can win a free boob job!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I really wish I could make this stuff up

I'm looking for a man that will pay for any and all things that I want. You must have an absurd amount of old money inherited from past generations. New money does not interest me unless it is followed by a lineage of pedigree. I also want you to speak with a charming accent and use "thee" "thou" "thy" "ye" and the like. Speech is very important and I want you to sound intelligent, you don't necessarily have to be intelligent, just educated with a degree to support your background.

I want to make sure you're of proper background so I'll request a copy of your family tree with various ties to past royalty. I want you to have a big plantation home that has a name, with a staff that's graciously willing to accommodate any and all of your needs, including an enslaved kitchen girl whom you'll have secretive affairs with in the carriage house out back of your mansion. If she's to fall pregnant, I want her immediately shipped off to serve someone else and a younger, less attractive cook to fill her position. I also want a colorful housekeeper that speaks with a thick accent to bathe and dress me in the mornings. She must be funny without overstepping her boundaries and befriend me while thinking I'm a spoiled, privileged woman. I also want her qualified in midwifery so that when I deliver any future vhildren she will be well informed in birthing so that when the children arrive she can leave the master suite to announce to you and the household with heavy sweat on her brow, that I have brought our first into this world.

I want you to be devilishly handsome. You must have a bronzed and rippling body. You must have long hair that is well maintained without dandruff or split ends. You must also have a large circumcised penis. Any and all body hair must be kept to a minimum and I'd prefer if you waxed. However, you cannot be prettier than me so you must have an odd characteristic like a big nose or ears that stick out. You must also have straight teeth and invest in a good dental plan. You must be athletic and excel in sports such as archery, horse riding, polo, hunting, and golf. You must have several male friends you play with that are not nearly as good as you. As far as your friends go, they must be attractive and charming. They must also have less money than you, except for the one older friend who is insanely good looking and rich, that I later have an affair with. Their wives must be ugly and snobby and spend Sunday's at our home doing little to hide their jealousy over our good fortune.

Perhaps the most difficult request to fulfill, I want you to have a carriage. I realize we're in the middle of the city, but hopefully on your plantation you'll have several acres that we can ride around on. Maybe even a pond where we can stop the carriage and the driver can take the horses a few yards away so they will not do their business in the area where we're having our romantic picnic where you wildly ravage my hungry body. The sex must be earth shattering and my toes must curl when you bring me to orgasm. However, you are not allowed to disclose our bedroom activities to anyone, but merely hint suggestively that our love life is quite satisfactory. If you fit this description, I am casually awaiting your response.

Forever yours, Sleeping Dreamer

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Let me know how this turns out

I would tell you that I'm sweet, but I'm not...

LOCATION: Minneapolis

I am not like any other girl... I truly want a man who wants to take care of me. Now, please understand that I am not a Gold-digger and I don't need you to take care of me. I simply want a man who wants to do it just because. In return I will will brighten your life with my optimism, boost you with loyalty, trust you blindly and shower my affection on you. I will definitely encourage you to see dreams and help you in making them come true!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Just a little more head

Here are some more strange headlines.

  • I will judge you on how well you parallel park.

  • Drinking coffee out of plastic makes you impotent.

  • I’d date me if I could!

  • Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again.

  • Do we go on 3 or is it 1, 2, 3, then go?

  • Don’t be a mushroom. I hate mushrooms.

  • Only boring people get bored. Bored yet?

  • If I could rearrange the alphabet, “I” would be at the top.

  • Beauty Fades. Dumb is Forever.

  • I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

  • It says, 'I Choo-choo-choose You,' and there's a picture of a train!

  • Life is like a can of corn...

  • Fuzzy inside out

  • Did you buy that at the dollar store?

  • Just because you put wheels on my grandmother, does not make her a bus.

  • I feel you dancing in my chest!

  • Looking for the female version of yourself?

  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Nuff Said

It's amazing what people think will attract someone.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

When People Stop Taking Their Meds

marriage could hv been a perfect word ,I do not know you but I have missed you all of my life. I am getting to a point where I want to meet you and I can't help but wonder when and how that will be. I want to know where you are from and where you are going. I want to know your name and see your face and recognize you. I want to know what you want to be and where I fit into to that. I want to know what experiences you have had that have shaped you and what experiences you still crave. I'm curious as to how you see the world and am eager to hear about everything I have missed up until now.

When I was younger I used to think alot about who you'd be and when I'd meet you. I thought about what I would say and what we would talk about. I always knew that when I found you, we would be so comfortable with each other that it would just be easy. I think you will bring out a part of me that I have only caught glimpses of and have really liked.

Lately I have become more impatient and and have questioned whether you exist. There is space in my life for you that I am keeping open, but I want to know you'll be there soon. I have been growing so much over the last few years and I know I will be easier to recognize because of that. I am becoming the person you are looking for but if we meet too soon, please understand I might not be there yet. What can I do to be that person? How can I make sure you'll recognize me?

I want to know what you're doing right now and if you're getting to the point where you wonder about me. I don't know if there is only one person out there for me, but I know that you are going to mean so much to me that it will seem that way.

I am generally very self sufficient but I am no longer enough for me. I'm not saying you have to fill a void but I miss you and I don't even know you yet. I find myself wanting your advice, your company, your comments, your perception, your love, your touch, your respect and your longing glances. I'm trying to fight the impatience but I know one day, I will not be able to handle being without you. I have seen many people fall in love with those who have been right under their nose for years. I can't help but wonder if we will be that way. Perhaps I already know you, maybe I've thought of you already today, maybe we had lunch or maybe we have yet to meet.

I will not settle, I am far too deliberate in my life and I don't want to waste my time. The opposite of love is indifference and that is the worst emotion to feel about someone. I think I'll know when I find you and so far I haven't had the right feeling but I cannot doubt myself on this.

I'm tired of dating, I want to date you. I know you are incredibly smart because it's what I find most attractive. I know you are kind and sweet and passionate and maybe (hopefully) even a bit nerdy. You're sexy and clever and funny and can keep my attention without even trying because you challenge me. I know you like to travel and want to go to new places together. I know I will be so proud of what you have done with yourself that I will brag and embarrass you, I'm sorry for that. You'll love my friends I promise, I think they too can't wait to meet you. So in the meantime, I am waiting for you. I will always wait for you, but please...... try not to take your time. I'm going to continue on the path I'm on and trust it will cross with yours when the time is right. I'm not sure what sort of temptations I will encounter along the way, but I promise I will do my best. I have this picture of our life together in my head and sometimes I catch a glimpse of other people living it and I know our time will come. I don't care if everything turns out like I think they will, what are the chances of that anyway, but I know we will be happy. We will complement each other and I can't wait to learn from you. Like I said, I'll be here. I want you now, but I know you are worth the wait.

Picture iMperfect

I always look for a woman that likes to lick.
This woman said she was 39 and average.

I'm speechless.

Gotta love your friends.

What's a little breast munching between friends.

The happy couple. Wait she's looking for a long term relationship?

The one you can take home to your mom.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Headliner


  • Ashes to ashes; dust to dust; Life is short, so party we must.

  • Sensi the night dragon drifted through the sky, her beautiful fragrance charmed those in her wake.

  • Turtles are green.

  • No, no, no, see-- the pig was on fire WHILE I was chasing it.

  • Shake it like a salt shaker.

  • Good morning, good afternoon, and if I don’t see you, good night.

  • There are 10 pins in my heart....care to go for a strike?

  • 2% and I don’t mean milk.

  • I’ve got a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

  • If only a closed mind came with a closed mouth.

  • Sherlock aint got nothing on me!

  • You can’t make me put anything here.

  • I never grow older cause I drink from waterfalls.

  • Never thought I’d have an admirer from overseas, but somebody’s sending me stationary filled with chimpanzees.

  • eenie, meenie, miney, moe; catch this woman by her toe.

  • I want Mr. Sensitivity since Mr. Right doesn’t exist!

  • Where is my plastic surgeon?

  • Did you know that 1 in 12 kids gets their head stuck in a bucket?

  • My prince took the wrong turn, got lost, and was too damn stubborn to ask for directions.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Top 10 Headlines


These are actually funny. I need to collect the horrible ones one day.

10) Feel free to interact with me. All my shots are current!
9) You must be over 5’10” to read this profile.
8) I bathe every day!
7) Is this thing like eBay?
6) Shopping for Guys – And They Said There Was No Such Store!
5) Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until they speak?
4) I'm like poop. The older I get the easier I am to pick up!
3) Coffee, Chocolate, and Men - some things are just better rich.
2) I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.
1) Willing to lie about how we met!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

T-Rex Love Affair

I am a very career-focused, attractive, 5'9, 120lb woman who is seeking a man who is willing to fulfill my ultimate sexual fantasy. I am an executive with a very successful corporation that keeps me very busy and I sometimes have difficulty finding men who share similar interests to my own in the bedroom.

Nothing turns me on more then Jurassic Park themed role play. You must be the animatronic dinosaur, and I must be the helpless child (Tim or Lex) stuck in the park at your mercy. You will growl mechanically into my ear and stare threateningly. I will feign panic and search for the flash light in the back seat of the visitor jeep. You will sniff at the window slowly and then release a robotic roar into the night air. I scream for Alan Grant, but your over sized robot jaws come crashing down through the overhead window, pinning me to the floor. I cannot stress this enough however, you must play as a ROBOTIC dinosaur. This is very specific, my interest lie entirely in animatronic dinosaurs, not real ones.

I thought I should mention this as there have been unfortunate miscommunications in the past, leading to performances that have left me without an orgasm. Other situations could include you being the dilophasaurus and spitting in my face and then going for my jugular. Or you could be the ill and moaning triceratops, and I would be Ellie Sadler, digging through your stool to find the source of the ailment. More or less any scene from the film involving a mechanical dinosaur interacting with a human will do fine.

I don't like wasting my time, so make sure you do your homework and watch the film and make sure you can fully embrace the mindset of an animatronic dinosaur. I am an incredibly sexual person and I would make it a blockbuster night that you would never forget.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

My Boyfriend Application Tests

First, a little about me. I'm a 20-year-old good looking blonde attending University. I'm tired of wasting my time, so I have formulated some mandatory criteria in part A and part B is based on points.

Part A
1) You must be born male. Sorry, no trannies, I'll need to see a birth certificate.
2) You must own something to wear to a formal reception.
3) You must not own or ever wear birkenstocks, crocs footwear or randy river jeans.
4) All your parts need to be in good working order, further testing will need to be conducted of course.
5) I can't accept a regular drug user. Despite BC culture, I am including weed.
6) You must own at least four collared dress shirts. You need to look presentable standing next to me.
7) Your height must be proportional to your weight using the standard AMA guidelines.
8) You have to have lived in Victoria for at least two consecutive years.
9) You must have a photo which was taken in the last 3 months.
10) English must be your first language. Sorry, I'm not a part-time ESL teacher.

If you meet all of the requirements above then you may continue, if not, then you are now dismissed but thank you for applying to be my boyfriend.

Now: give yourself two points for each of the following criteria you meet Part B

1) You have (or are working on) a post secondary degree.
2) You own a car and have a valid driver's license. Suspended for DUIs: minus 10 points.
3) You've never worn Ed Hardy, Affliction or any other Christian Audigier affiliated brand.
4) You follow at least one professional sport.
5) You have skills in bed. Not because you think you do, because your past experiences have told you.
6) You are not a born again Christian, Jehovah's Witness or any other kind of religious fanatic.
7) You have been to at least three countries outside of North America.
8) You don't need to call a handy man if something breaks around the house.
9) You know how to cook a meal for two.
10) You like stepping out of your bubble and trying new things like cuisine or bungee jumping. 11) You can make it through a romantic comedy without complaining (we don't have to tell your friends).
12) You have a great sense of humour. Are people laughing with you, or at you?
13) You can plan a good date without any help or advice from me. "I don't know, what do you want to do" isn't an answer.
14) You work out and enjoy being physically active. I hit the gym regularly, you should too.
15) You have a job that requires more than a high school diploma.
16) You ride a motorcycle. I love to go riding.
17) You have a 5 year goal.
18) You aren't afraid of being yourself, even if you have a dorky side.
19) You're competitive, and I don't mean you like to battle it out with your WoW buddies on the weekends.
20) You know how to dance.

If you have a score of 30+ then please contact me immediately. If you scored between 20-30 pts, you can contact me, but I don't have a lot of hope for our future relationship. If you did not score high enough, then please do not contact me, but if at some time in the future you are able to improve yourself and meet the minimum requirements, then you may re-apply.

You MUST respond with your age (this is a creeper free zone, 20-26 year olds only please) and your picture.

I thank you in advance for your application, however, only successful candidates will receive a response.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Just Average

Keep your supersized genitalia, washboard abs and hyperactive stamina away. Don't even send me a pic of your penis.

I'm a pretty enough woman, a little extra padding now bikini season is over. I'm not waxed like a barbie doll or some deep throating goddess so move on if that's what you're looking for.

Let's just do it like an old married couple alright (however if you're married or in a committed relationship of any sort, don't bother me. If you've ever experimented with men, I'm also not interested).

I lie there maybe watch the tube. You stick it in, suck my nipples and get your rocks off. Then we both fall asleep without talking and maybe do it again in the morning... maybe. Could be a regular thing.

If this interests you and you're between the ages of 35-50, send me a message that doesn't make you seem like some sex crazed horndog, brain damaged, or both.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Picture iMperfect

Andy Warhol tribute profile.

Wow look at the size of those tires on her.

I hope she's as beautiful as this scene.

As long as you know.

This is just wrong for a dating profile. The son's hand is freaking me out!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Picture iMperfect

Just so you know I'm armed and dangerous.

It's a 2 for 1 profile. Save time and go out with 2 girls at once.
The discounted 2 for 1 profile.