Fellow Daters

Monday, April 5, 2010

Seeking bearded, overweight hipster

i realize this is kind of a specific request, but hey, it never hurts to go for what you want. i read this description of north american hipsters, and thought, "you know, that's actually the sort of guy i'm into." should i feel weird that my ideal dude can easily fit into a hilarious stereotype? maybe, but i'm going with it.

"Identification: Like a baby bird who has fallen from the nest, a twee twit is simply too soft and gentle for this world. He cannot abide bright colors or harsh materials, so he is usually swaddled in soft, pastel sweaters and corduroy pants. He might have a beard, because shaving is far too scary, and stubble is like sandpaper against his delicate features. He is mumbly and soft-spoken, but he doesn’t mind being unintelligible; he wouldn’t want to impose upon you unduly by putting forward an idea. He’s a cat person. He’s almost too much of a feminist to tolerate the act of sexual intercourse. He’s had the same girlfriend for eight years, and he doesn’t mind the fact that she’s gained a little weight. They throw the nicest dinner parties.

"Musical Taste: The twee twit mainly enjoys mellow post-shoegaze in which nothing much happens, gentle American indie-rock in which nothing much happens, and unobtrusive indie-hippie-folk in which nothing much happens. Too much distorted guitars or non-whispered vocals instantly melt these guys. Sigur Rós has some really nice songs, but sometimes they get a little too raucous.

"How to Tame a Twee Twit: Give him a hug, or bake him some cookies. If you meet him in a record store, say “boy, I wish all Pavement songs sounded like ‘Here.’” "Benefits of Friendship: Twee twits are pretty much guaranteed to be nice, reliable, steadily employed, and inoffensive. They don’t mind packing a little bit of a paunch, so they’ll be willing to eat greasy diner food with you at 4 in the morning without bitching about gaining an ounce.

"Drawbacks of Friendship: Two words: Belle & Sebastian. There’s no escaping the fact that these guys like boring, boring music, and they’re going to get uncomfortable if you blast any crunk in your car (and why even have a car if you can’t blast crunk in it?) If his girlfriend dumps him, you will have to see him cry, and his tears and snot will get all in his beard." if you feel a kindred spirit with that stereotype, please, feel free to message me. we can drink imported beer, be all ironical, watch movies that are way over our heads, give each other mix tapes (TAPES for real, i just bought a 7-pack of maxwell 90 minute tapes at cvs), write embarrassing letters, drunkenly make out, go bowling, cry, whatever. i shop at thrift stores but pretty much only buy shoes and doofy home accessories. i used to have a short, cute haircut, but i'm growing it out and it's in that floppy in-between stage. i have horrible taste in everything. i'm also extremely lazy, which is why i'm ending this ad now. p.s. you don't actually have to be bearded, overweight, or hipstery. just have that general aesthetic (ie "indie rock and diners" over "club beats and date raping drunk chicks")

p.p.s. this is the worst personal ad i've ever written. that should give you an idea of the type of effort i'm willing to put forth. hope to hear from you soon!

2 People said what they thought:

Martie said...

OK, that brought creepy to a whole new level....yuck.

Kimberly said...

I am so she that specific or was this some type of joke?