Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
I am a hot and horny young woman with kind of a weird fetish...knife throwing. Yes, I said knife throwing. Don't worry, I have absolutely no desire to hurt you, nor will I. I recently moved to the Bay Area and I am just looking for a guy to have some knife-throwing fun with.
Here's what I want: you stand against the wall, in your place or mine, and I throw knives in your direction. I can get them within one inch of your head, shoulders, elbows, fingers and crotch without so much as a scratch. I have been practicing for a while and I never miss. I have only had two guys let me throw knives in their direction since I left Indiana. I guarantee you, I never hurt them and they did NOT regret it.
So, if you let me throw knives in your direction (I promise you won't be hit) you might be rewarded with my pussy. Let me know if you are man enough for the job.
Posted by Mike at 10:59 AM
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I am so lonely. I need a nice gentleman to help me. I am an older widow. My husband, George, may he rest his soul, died an untimely death 20 years ago of heart failure. Ever since then I have been alone, never drinking from the wonderful pool of sexual intimacy since those dark days of grieving and despair. I sank into a dark depression after George’s death, wearing black, painting my face kabuki white, with bright red lipstick. I so loved George that I always wanted him with me although I knew he could never be with me ever again. I had kept Monsieur Rouge, my cat, and Monsieur Passer au Crible, my beloved Pomeranian, with me by having them freeze dried and stuffed, forever gazing out over the city their paws loved to travel. It became my decision to have George preserved, to be always smiling at me from the chair he so loved to sit in when we shared tea. We still share our tea today; it is wonderful to see him everyday, locked into a smile with that ever-pensive look that so attracted me to him when we first met atop the Eiffel Tower.
Last summer, a rodent infiltrated my apartment. One night while refilling my glass with cognac, the rodent revealed himself to me. Now I see it as sign from George or a power greater then myself. The beast scurried out of the breadbasket, down the counter, jumped onto the railing leading out of the kitchen, and disappeared into the blackness of the living room. The next morning I investigated the living room to see if I could locate the point of entry. While searching by the front windows, I decided to give my beloved companion Monsieur Passer au Crible a caress. He felt soft, and his skin did not present the usual amount of resistance, I had grown so used to over the years. He felt hollow, and echoed when rapped upon by my wedding ring. I picked him up, and noticed his well-gnawed and tattered sphincter. It appeared that the beast had taken refuge in Monsieur Passer au Crible, gaining entrance by severing the strings that for 25 years had held his dehydrated sphincter shut, in an immortal puckered wink. I discovered that Monsieur Rouge had befallen the same fate. George, oh my sweet, could it be that like Goldie Locks testing the porridge, this best was looking for the perfect habitué? I rushed to George and carried him to the bedroom, as he did on our wedding night. The back of his pants showed the telltale signs of entry. But what is this, I could hear something moving about in George? I stripped George down to he nakedness and discovered that his penis and testicles had been either consumed by the beast or carried away and fashioned into a nest. I gave George’s stomach a push and felt something move under the pressure, muscular and strong, nerves alive. At that moment the beast came bounding out of George’s gaping groin with what appeared to be my beloveds penis betwixt he teeth, like a bull through the gates in Pamplona: scared, hungry, alone like me. He ran and leapt out the window onto a tree branch, and I have never seen him again, but the message was not lost on me.
That night I found myself on my knees before my husband with a nail file, plucking the stuffing out of him through the hole in his groin. Like the men I was so fascinated with as a young woman who Escaped From Alcatraz by chipping the besotted concrete from around the ventilation grates, I worked hollowing out my George, disposing of the innards down the garbage disposal. I installed a zipper on the torso, quick release Velcro on the legs and arms, thimbles in the tips of his fingers, and attached snaps to the front and back flaps of skin on his head so that George can come back to me.
I am looking for a gentle man who will be willing to wear this and have tea with me then carry me to the bedroom and make sweet love to me like Gorge did over 30 years ago on our wedding night. I have left the original tattered hole fashioned by the beast, so it will be your penis that enters me. I would also love to have you sit on the edge of the bed with a glass of cognac resting on your left knee and allow me to service you like I did George. Mixing - the smell of the cognac and the taste of you in my mouth will return me back to those few years I had with my beloved George. Afterwards I will bath you, make you a plate of bacon, tomatoes, and a side of half a head of lettuce with homemade buttermilk ranch dressing, just as I did for George. Please have some pity on a lovely older lady, and help he begin to rebuild her life and sanity? If this interests you, please send me your measurements so that I might determine a suitable fit.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I am a single, free-spirted, web-savvy thirtysomething female. Living in the gorgeous Caroll Gardens for the past year, I love life and am only looking for a man who is not an idiotic pig-headed beer-swilling moron (which seems to be hard to find in this city). This is my final plea.
I own my own internet business which means I don't get to leave the house much, but I do know the internet and its dating potential. So far it has let me down every single time. I've done MySpace, Facebook, Match.Com, eHarmony, and even Jdate (I'm not Jewish and don't care about Israel). Don't get me started on Jdate. But with so many people out there, at least ONE guy can match this. I know he's out there. My standards are exacting, but they're not too much to ask. Life is too short to compromise yourself!
Here is what I am looking for. It's not much. If you're this guy or know this guy, have him contact me right away.
-non smoker-must love cats and be open to the idea of future adoptions
-must not be more than one to five stops away from Carroll Gardens F train in either direction
-must not be opposed to wicker furniture
-must be 420 friendly
-must clean up hair from the tub after a trim, a ring of hair around the edge is GROSS
-past bar tending/table
-serving experience a plus but not necessary
-some knowledge of vintage wine
-must be fluent in 2 languages (English DOES NOT count); I still like to practice my French from study abroad
-toilet paper must go over, NEVER under, when placed in dispenser
-PUT the lid DOWN. Animals have better manners than most men
-no stockbrokers, unemployed musicians, actors, or baristas
-no ravers, goths, punks, or rude boys-musical taste must include, but not be limited to, Kingston Trip, Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Judy Collins
-name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B (Js are negotiable; Rs are not. Bs should consider that if they treat a cat nicely, it will respond accordingly; but if you scare it by approaching too fast, of course it will attack)
-must like scented candles (not vanilla); no incense
-must be willing to pay for dinner at least once a week at a Zagat-rated restaurant after proper research and scouting of restaurant
-must own more than 3 items from ?The North Face? jacket line but no more than 5
-owning a car is a plus, but it can't be a hatchback (some standards)
-I ski one weekend a year, so you ski. No shredders.
-must love Gary Larson, and hate Dilbert
-passionate about animal rights, but willing to take in the circus when it comes to town
-must read at least 3 books a month, no comics unless Gary Larson
-must have read complete works of Jane Austen
-must know how to turn a Word document into a PDF
-must be on T-Mobile for Fave 5 access
-must love pinball and not play ping pong
-3 out of your 5 favorite movies should be John Hughes films
-must agree to watch "The Hills" on MTV on Sundays but hate that bitch Heidi, she is everything wrong with womankind
-must know CPR and have current certification, ++ for SCUBA certification
-must be home from 2-6pm on Saturdays to receive packages; bonus points if you're an Ebay power seller too!
-must have all limbs, no quads (not biased, just poor past experience)
-Ivy League education desirable, but Amherst, UPenn, Colgate, Vassar, Georgetown etc. acceptable
-must have Scrabulous installed on Facebook during work hours
-must prefer dark chocolate over milk; no omnivores
-must like North-Eastern microbrews, NO COLORADO, NO EXCEPTIONS
-no corduroy pants, jackets, shirts, socks, caps, etc. And while we're on the subject of hats, no hats at all. Having a hat as part of your job costume is not an excuse.
I know the guy for me is out there. I've come so close to finding him in perfect form so many times. If you are this know or know this guy, PLEASE contact me. I am willing to make a few sacrifices, but not many. If you see yourself in even a FEW of my specifications, you are invited to apply. Think of it more like a guidebook to my heart. Please reply with a little bit about yourself, include pics.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Are you happily (or mostly happily) married? Yeah, me too. Yet, it seems that a little something, a little zest perhaps, is missing in day to day life.
Me: Lovely, athletic blond who is brignt, responsible, disceet and fun loving. No, I am not 22. What I am is old enough to be matrure and young enough to still be beautiful and fit.
You: You MUST be mature (over 50 preferred), well-groomed, intelligent, discreet, sharp wit and sense of humor. I am looking for a very specific type of long-term relationship, so you must be a very successful, busy man. Please email for details. Crass, negative or people who don't fit my description will be deleted.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Leona is sexy, young and from Aberdeen. She also suffers from tourettes
Monday, September 14, 2009
I know this is strange but the heart continues to want what it wants.
In short, I'm a 25 year old female who's sustained some pretty harsh injuries and I'm going stir crazy. I've traveled the world as a drifter/hitchhiker, I'm currently a working musician, writer and dog trainer. I also have a degree in veterinary technology. I'm slightly insane but perhaps in a good way. Um...chaotic neutral, eager to please and have had a ridiculously eventful life. This down time is hard for me. Someone recently likened me to Harold and Maude all in one package and I that sounds about right. I look a little like a Raider I suppose.
You: Charon from Fallout 3. Yes, you read that right. You are a gigantic, deceptively stoic ghoul bodyguard. Someone who can stay in character well and satisfy the strange compulsion/crush I continue to have have on that damned ghoul. Someone who is creative enough to characterize him and suspend my disbelief again. I find myself only able to speak to someone who's fronting as this character. I don't open up easily and I just...don't get it either. If you are suffering from boredom and can roleplay this character well, there is a good chance I can help you with that boredom. I don't seem to get tired of this.
So. I have your contract and our time in the Wastes was short. You're still in DC and I, your "employer" am here only accessible via remote terminal. The employer/Charon relationship would be strictly instant messenger/email and possibly phone but only if you can do the voice really well. Maybe it will remain civil and friendly, maybe it will turn into something a little more adult. It usually does. I'd prefer something frequent and long term if possible, with room for progression into something different maybe.
Before receiving a batch of pointless, off topic emails, I feel I have to add this: All messages that clearly don't get what I'm asking for here will simply be ignored and deleted. Do not send me your photo or your stats! Your height, weight, race, etc are irrelevant because you are actually a cranky, sexually repressed, 6'8 irradiated manservant from the Underworld. Someone over 25+ would be preferable. That is my only stipulation but it is not a hard limit. It seems that spelling and grammar improve with age is all. Good spelling and grammar are an absolute must!
I had an excellent Charon before but he...vanished and I find myself sadly looking for a replacement. I need a rebound Charon in case he doesn't come back...although I am still hoping he does. Getting my heart broken by an NPC is something I'll add to the vast list of things I've experienced that make me keep writing music.
Here's hoping you're out there. Please message me in character. This is important.
I will make it worth your while!
Friday, September 11, 2009
"Hong Kong female, age 38, seriously looking for a good and sincere man for marriage. I am fun to be with sometimes."
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
i posted something along these lines before and it got flagged. either you can't handle a woman actually being honest, or you're anti-hairy bushes. lame.
so i am not looking to have sex or even mess around right away..but i figured this is something i should warn you about. in case it ever comes to that. i used to shave it all, and i may do it again sometime. but i've been growing my pubic hair out for a few months. it's not a terrible jungle. like, you can see my skin, actually. the hair isn't that dense. and i actually think it's really soft.
i've grown to really resent how society makes women feel like they are expected to shave their crotches. look at any porn. and guys of course are used to it, and get weirded out if you don't. i wish it was the 70s, when nobody shaved.
so are there any guys who could deal with this?
oh yeah, i like talking. a lot. especially about movies, music, political issues, books, celebrities, just about anything. i also like playing rummy. i'm tall and not skinny.
i hope some men have the balls to be willing to deal with this. i don't think it's the worst thing in the world. i'm VERY clean.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
30.........female.......I like to drink and I smoke when I drink.......I have been dumped 3 times in the last 3 years........so something is wrong. I do have a full time job............I am a cool lady....but no one seems to get me.....hit me up if you are sick of the scene...............
Friday, September 4, 2009
I love to make out. In fact, I like to neck and kiss so much I sometimes fancy I should have been born a blood-sucking bat instead of the female I am now. At the very least, if I were a bat, I could jab and peck at your precious muscular neck and you wouldn't think anything of it. You'd just think you stepped into some unkept barn, or some forgotten cave, and were attacked by some nocturnal creature. You see, that's how I am.
If you're really HOT like I think you're going to be, then I just can't help myself but lunge for your neck and dig my big fat ligs deep into your fresh young throat. In the end, you'd learn to like it. Doubtful, that I'd draw any blood though. In fact, the taste of blood makes me feel queasy. And if I were ever to get that carried away I'd vomit up pea soup, as that's what I had for lunch today - non-vegetarian pea soup, of course.
Call me passionate, impassioned, lustful. But above all, don't call me crazy. This is a SERIOUS request for a young specimen who considers himself "HOT"!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
In search of that dude who can/will start drinking at 2pm. (I like to go to bed early)
I'm looking for a guy who has hair that is short (not too short) but kinda long (but not too long, you know?)- no gel, if you please!
non-vegans need not apply.
Sexual interaction would consist of dry humping only. (not willing to negotiate on this one, fellas)
Dates would involve music, blunts, and of course dry humping*.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Please note this is the actual photo in the ad--a real cow patty cutie!