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Fellow Daters

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I really wish I could make this stuff up

I'm looking for a man that will pay for any and all things that I want. You must have an absurd amount of old money inherited from past generations. New money does not interest me unless it is followed by a lineage of pedigree. I also want you to speak with a charming accent and use "thee" "thou" "thy" "ye" and the like. Speech is very important and I want you to sound intelligent, you don't necessarily have to be intelligent, just educated with a degree to support your background.

I want to make sure you're of proper background so I'll request a copy of your family tree with various ties to past royalty. I want you to have a big plantation home that has a name, with a staff that's graciously willing to accommodate any and all of your needs, including an enslaved kitchen girl whom you'll have secretive affairs with in the carriage house out back of your mansion. If she's to fall pregnant, I want her immediately shipped off to serve someone else and a younger, less attractive cook to fill her position. I also want a colorful housekeeper that speaks with a thick accent to bathe and dress me in the mornings. She must be funny without overstepping her boundaries and befriend me while thinking I'm a spoiled, privileged woman. I also want her qualified in midwifery so that when I deliver any future vhildren she will be well informed in birthing so that when the children arrive she can leave the master suite to announce to you and the household with heavy sweat on her brow, that I have brought our first into this world.

I want you to be devilishly handsome. You must have a bronzed and rippling body. You must have long hair that is well maintained without dandruff or split ends. You must also have a large circumcised penis. Any and all body hair must be kept to a minimum and I'd prefer if you waxed. However, you cannot be prettier than me so you must have an odd characteristic like a big nose or ears that stick out. You must also have straight teeth and invest in a good dental plan. You must be athletic and excel in sports such as archery, horse riding, polo, hunting, and golf. You must have several male friends you play with that are not nearly as good as you. As far as your friends go, they must be attractive and charming. They must also have less money than you, except for the one older friend who is insanely good looking and rich, that I later have an affair with. Their wives must be ugly and snobby and spend Sunday's at our home doing little to hide their jealousy over our good fortune.

Perhaps the most difficult request to fulfill, I want you to have a carriage. I realize we're in the middle of the city, but hopefully on your plantation you'll have several acres that we can ride around on. Maybe even a pond where we can stop the carriage and the driver can take the horses a few yards away so they will not do their business in the area where we're having our romantic picnic where you wildly ravage my hungry body. The sex must be earth shattering and my toes must curl when you bring me to orgasm. However, you are not allowed to disclose our bedroom activities to anyone, but merely hint suggestively that our love life is quite satisfactory. If you fit this description, I am casually awaiting your response.

Forever yours, Sleeping Dreamer

3 People said what they thought:

Martie said...

PS I added this site to my blog roll. Next is your "other" one.

Martie said...

Holy Toledo, Batman.

I didn't ask for nearly that amount in MY online dating profile (you know, before I got married). Darn it. I'll know better next time bahaha!

Aurora said...

Oh my god, that made me laugh so hard. She's looking for Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind.
Or someone like that. Snicker.
Good luck, milady!!!