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Fellow Daters

Friday, February 29, 2008

Don't Quit Your Job as a Fiction Writer

your girl, she's a renegade

LOCATION: Minneapolis

first, me:
i am intimidating sometimes. i am passionate about the things in my life and tend to know a fair amount about them. if you get me onto a subject that i’m especially interested in, i may not let you get in a word edgewise. these subjects include, but are not limited to: food preparation, consumption, and politics, travel (past and future), the art of the short story, spanish linguistics, the midwest (esp. mpls), and russian literature. i have been known to stay out until the sun is on its way up and convince you to go dancing at a club when that is something you'd never normally do (and wouldn't think i'd want to do either), but will also, if the mood strikes me, aggravate you by deciding to stay in on a friday night to read or knit. i will bake you cookies and scones and make you lavish breakfasts on the weekends. i am financially stable and want the same in another. i like to go out to eat without stressing over the bill. i will read without end and convince you to read whatever it is that i currently love; i may even read bits and pieces aloud to you if they're worth it. i'll persuade you to go on bike rides late at night when the sky is clear and the air has warmed up just a few degrees. i like to dress up and quite often turn heads.

now, you:
you are confident enough to not be intimidated. you will listen raptly, but interrupt me and challenge my way of thinking. you will also be wild about things that may or may not be the things that i'm infatuated with and tell me all about them. you'll go out with me, but know that you don't always have to and we won't do everything together. part of what makes the time we spend together amazing is the time spent apart. you will have your own life and friends and not be ready to surrender them to a royal we. you will bring me flowers once in a while if i've made you an especially delicious meal. you have a similar financial situation and can splurge from time to time without worrying about making rent. you read something other than magazines and will at least humor me when i suggest alphabetizing your bookshelves. you'll entertain at least some of my whims, going on walks during which i inform you that every 15th house is my favorite and bike rides to the river where we will drink wine out of the bottle. you clean up nice and turn my head.

An Animal By Any Other Name

I would tell you that I'm sweet, but I'm not...

LOCATION: Minneapolis

I am not like any other girl... I truly want a man who wants to take care of me. Now, please understand that I am not a Gold-digger and I don't need you to take care of me. I simply want a man who wants to do it just because. In return I will will brighten your life with my optimism, boost you with loyalty, trust you blindly and shower my affection on you. I will definitely encourage you to see dreams and help you in making them come true!

Not The Baby Mother?!

Looking for someone that I can trust!!!!

LOCATION: Brooklyn

I am turning 21 in may of 08 and I am looking for that special someone.I just got out of a long term relationship because he decided he wanted to continue to cheat on me with his baby mother.So I had to change my surroundings and move on. He didnt realize how good of a women I am until I left him.I am a strong, educated, independent women that don't ask for much. I am looking for someone to add to the relationship instead of subtracting.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Grammar is Important 2

Militray Man Wanted

LOCATION: Hawaii

i have dated none military men my hole life, growing up next to a fort ord army base u just didnt do that, and i didnt! having grown up sence then i realised im acctrected to the uniform, the clean looks,hard working toughness, of a strong military man. in my life i have had the men i was seeing lie, gamble,do drugs,drink exessavely,and even not go to work!!!!this has all taken its toll on me and i just dont want to date savilens anymore! i dont now how to find u so here i am wrighting this!!!! i am 5'2" 115.lbs light brown hair fit body very hard working, sexy lady not looking 4 marrage been there done that!!!!! it was just to hard to get my life back after it was over... i just want to feel loved and to give my love fully i enjoy pleasing my man and will do any thing (short of harming someone for him) im not a miteral person not looking 4 anything but love i have left 2 marrages leaveing every thing we ever had gotten togather , even my own belongings...just not to take any thing from them but my life back i i now u have been all around this big blue ball we live on ..seeing all kinds of women but i bet u have not found 1 like me!! i have spent the last 20 yrs liveing in the country in northern calif in the forest off the gred on soler power, water pumps,and no tv lol... i have raised my 2 girls and i come with no bagage except a very brused heart that ove can repair i can send my pics apond request to if u want to have a relationship of love & fairnesswith a lady that will work along side u doing whatever the job calls 4 b itcraling under the house to replace the drain cuz im the only 1 small enough to get under there i will and i have not afread of hard work and very willing ok in a nut shell im a pianer with love 4 a simple life like holding hands long kisses pampering my man just to see his smile on his face so if i sound like some one u could spend time getting to now get back to me i'll be waiting

So That's a Great Life

twinkle twinkle little star

LOCATION: British Columbia

Well... I have a great life. I live with 3 of my best friends, I have a wonderful (old, rusty piece of crap) truck, a teensy guinea pig, and the desire to become something wonderful some day. Recently moved back to the Valley from Victoria. Tried it there, didn't like it too much, it's a fun place to visit though. The anonymity of a city like that is nice, however sometimes it's nice to live somewhere like Cheers, where everybody knows your name. I've got some big dreams and aspirations, and I know what I have to do to achieve them. I'm not looking for someone to rescue me, save me or pay for me. Ideally, I'm looking for an independent man who has his life together but isn't afraid to get a little crazy.

A Reminder Why Grammar is Important

lookin 4 a nice gental lad

LOCATION: England

hay im up 4 sum fun, i like goin out on da weekends n chillin wiv me gals, n having a romantic nite in, i dislike cheaters and liers, i want dat specail sum1 who will treat me rite, so if ur dat specail sum1 leave ma a msg n i will get bk to u.xx

Reverse Psychology 2

n(i)kisison

LOCATION : Ontario

I'd like you to tell me what you are looking for in a woman.....let's start there.If you are looking for an intimate encounter, I suggest you look elsewhere.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

No One was Compensated for Their Comments

wants the hunt to end with a best friend

LOCATION: Florida

Fish personality? I am a mermaid This is a good website (as internet date sites go, yikes! Please take me off of here ), I can even show my webcam in IM's, that way you know my real time image, that helps personalize this impersonal internet world.My PICs are over a year old, need new ones but, I don't like my PICs and never have a cam ready when I am. People always tell me I look better than what the pics do. I am petite, 135-140#s, fair complected with blue eyes.What I want to know is should I say my body type is Average? Ok, since I was Thin(er) before I had children ("Look Ma, no strech marks.")and the Athletic is a work in progress, guess I'll have to settle for Average for now. I have not quit smoking yet, would if wishing could make it so but, I have to fight hard to end this addiction. I do an occassional cold turkey and one-of-these-days I'm gonna win!Ok, I do drugs, I do caffine and an occassional pass of the peace pipe. I am thankful I was able to quit drinking, that was definitely my worse vice.Since the rest of my profile somehow got deleated, I guess it's time to change it.I've been riding my mountain bike and looking forward to swim season. I like lots of things but I've found out it's the things I don't like that desides compatability. In a nut shell that would include; hollier than thou christians, conservative republicans, guns, drunks (those last 2 r a terrible combo)and messages without pictures. I hated to say it but, it's easier in the long run to show my boundries, the rest is all good

Dog Seal of Approval

Don't be shy, say hello!

LOCATION: Ontario

About myself: My dogs tell me that I am someone who is intelligent, with a great a sense of humour, and good looking too! I love to read, workout and walk my dogs. I enjoy camping and love to travel. I also love to cook a variety of foods, so it is important to have someone who is not afraid to try new things. I'd like to meet someone who shares the same interests, and can maybe even introduce me to a few new ones.

So Simple

r u good looking and can make me laugh?

LOCATION: Ontario

Im gonna make this as simple as possible. I just want to get to know someone who is my type. I'm very picky with my selection of men, meaning you have to have it all...If I like you I will talk to you, if not too bad so sad.

Say What?

Awake is Good

LOCATION: British Columbia

Yo, I am fasinated with how we are so driven by our egos. I am working on staying awake. I watch people, wondering if they're awake and aware, or are they just on automatic pilot. I'm forever looking for the meat amongst the mashed potatoes. I like to paint large oils, take photos, hike, motorbike, travel, read non fiction. I like to try new things. I've jumping out of an airplane,willingly, taught children english in a foreign country, got my PADI diving license, etc..Books at the head of my bed: The Fourth Way by Ouspensky,50 Things to do When You Turn 50, My Secret Life by anonymous, a Carl Hiassen book, an Eckhart Tolle book, The Painters Keys, Psychology.I also read Richard Dawkins, Charles Darwin, Travel Books, Art Books, I like Maps. I love my GPS ( A Garmin for those who want to know.) I don't let a "lack of participation from others" slow me down. Same with road trippin'. I have a Motorbike ( a 2002 Yamaha V-Star ) I'm trying to live my life saying yes more often than not. Simple, this is the year to kick it up a notch. I have a positive attitude and a happy disposition, and am tired of the fluff around me and would so like to talk "bottom line stuff" with people. I am working on being happy wherever I am, doing whatever I'm doing. But hey, there is also something in a good cigar and brandy that helps too, just to celebrate,whatever. Brilliance, that's good, so is sanity. How to remain sane in an insane world? "Postitive thinking" helps. But, let's debate that, maybe that's just a prettier way of saying "Sticking my head in the sand".Everything is sooooo much more fun when you're awake, aware and can plan and shape your life. Thats the Wild Free Spirit Child in me. I am also feminine, looking for a considerate masculine. I like being treated like the lady I am. I am a good, decent, thoughtful, appreciative, bright, inquisitive girl. Thats better. News flash. I took the free personality test in here and came out as a ENTP. This is some of the nice things said about us 3% of the population.- Socially competent- High standards for self and others.- Respects family values.- Good parent.- Maintains a tidy home.- Artistic and Mechanical thinker.- Emotionally insightful.- Like abstract concepts and ideas.- Artistic and metaphorical use of language. ( what's metaphorical mean?, sounds impottant)- Creative thinker.- "Bored easily" in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation.Actually I'm working on not being "bored easily".

Is That Popcorn With or Without Butter?

Real Simple

LOCATION: Philadelphia

Keeping it simple. I'm 24, white, short chick.
Turn ons: Cats/kittens/puppies/dogs.....well...animals in general i guess, Beards, hairy bears, Guys who don't wear cologne or obsess about smelling good, Sarcasm/dark humor, Sienfeld, The Office, Arrested Development, Popcorn, Red meat, Chicken, chicken nuggets, wine/beer, water balloon fights, pranking people, zombies, horror novels/movies, movies with Kevin Spacey, movies with Christopher Walken, hats, pants, walking around for no reason to no destination

Turn OFFS: skinny guys(if i wanted to be with a skeleton, i'd rob a grave), Metro-sexuals, Sports(but i like to make fun of them, so if you're into phillies games, i'll go for the beer and hot dogs...and then just say how cute it is watching guys run around in pajamas sliding into pillows), Guys who answer my ad with the generic "i have a car and my own place, i'm five foot yada yada and weigh yada yada"....dude, i don't care, its all about chemistry anyhow....and im a bit shallow i guess... , care too much about politics, care too much about order, neatness, routine, likes to talk about their boring job as an accountant, thinks they're "badass" because they talk slow and stupid and have tatoos, "bling", "keepin' it real"....what the eff does that even MEAN?(and no one can seem to answer me on that one when i ask), Non-readers(I like someone who enjoys a book to zone out from the real world...mostly horror though), people who say they're into all types of music, but the range is from radio rock to radio rap....wow...what a variety, Business types, who think now that they're professional, they're so awesome and cool and money is all that matters....duh, money rocks, but stop acting like you matter more because of it, Emos, Thugs, Art kids who think their "art" is actually "art". Get the hell over yourself.

Well. that's about it now.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I Guess Looks Are Top Priority

What I bring to the Table

LOCATION: New York

I may not be a prototypical Susie Homemaker or Betty Crocker, but am knowledgeable on the many restaurants and cuisines offered in New York and without a doubt am a skillful take out girl. I may not get my physique from the manual labor involved in performing rigorous house chores, but isn't it great it looks as though I do? I don't frequent salons for nail care, facials, and etcetera, but Neutrogena should scout me to campaign for skincare. “Modern woman” is a phrase I hear coined too often, in reference to me and that comes with certain perks: I don’t expect you to bear the burden of picking up every bill, am politically conscious, am career-driven and educated, financially responsible,and don’t necessarily have a biological clock that’s ticking. If I do start to wrinkle or sag, it’ll be my top priority to go under the scalpel (after I exhaust natural alternatives:) I would mention lypo, but I have good genes, so I don’t anticipate that as a vital concern. As far as my additional redeeming qualities, I’ll just let those be a surprise. Pretty SBF, 5’5”, 120lbs.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Profile Writing

In reading over profiles for myself and this blog I see a lot of things that I don’t think women are privy to. So hopefully these little tidbits will help you write a better profile.

Part 1 Profile Writing

A relationship is giving and taking. We’ve all heard that before, but how does that relate to profiles. Well when you talk about yourself you give and when you say what you want in your match that’s taking. RULE: What you want in a match shouldn’t be more than 2 sentences.

I’ve only done it once or twice on here, but let me tell you whole profiles are made on saying what the woman wants in match. You may wonder why this is a problem. Well it’s like going into a job interview and saying my name is Jane Doe. I want a 6 figure salary, corner office, full benefits, 6 weeks paid vacation, one hour massage once a week, etc all without saying anything about yourself. The people listening may let you finish so they can use it on a blog like this, but it’s not how to build a relationship.

I know for myself I’ve seen many interesting women that have nothing about them in their profile. It tells me it’s about them or at the least there is nothing for me to comment on to respond. I don’t wink and I’m not going to say I just “hi”. So your really cutting your prospects down.

On a few other notes, the first time I read “thank you for reading my profile”. I thought it was nice. After the 50th I was like WTF? Also please don’t put I’m new to this or I’m a nice person. Again if you’re the 1st its nice, but after a while it really wears thin.

If you would like a wake up call, check out what your competition of women in your area is. You’ll see that there are 3-4 different profiles out there and everyone is using them. Everyone reads the same articles and uses the same stuff. Only about 5% (at most) are actually original. So you do need to work at it to stand out of the pack.

A side note is never put a lower case “i” for “I”. It signifies that you have low self esteem. Have friends read them before you publish and be sure to spell check.

Be sure to check out Part 2.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

So That's What One Looks Like

The realist female you'll ever meet

LOCATION: DC

I have decided to try this officially for the first time as I believe that it may help with regard to finding someone who is compatible. I love to read true crime stories.

oh and sorry about not having a picture.

I Can't Make This Shit Up

Seeking a Danielle Steel Man

LOCATION: Norfolk

I'm looking for a man that will pay for any and all things that I want. You must have an absurd amount of old money inherited from past generations. New money does not interest me unless it is followed by a lineage of pedigree. I also want you to speak with a charming accent and use "thee" "thou" "thy" "ye" and the like. Speech is very important and I want you to sound intelligent, you don't necessarily have to be intelligent, just educated with a degree to support your background.

I want to make sure you're of proper background so I'll request a copy of your family tree with various ties to past royalty. I want you to have a big plantation home that has a name, with a staff that's graciously willing to accommodate any and all of your needs, including an enslaved kitchen girl whom you'll have secretive affairs with in the carriage house out back of your mansion. If she's to fall pregnant, I want her immediately shipped off to serve someone else and a younger, less attractive cook to fill her position. I also want a colorful housekeeper that speaks with a thick accent to bathe and dress me in the mornings. She must be funny without overstepping her boundaries and befriend me while thinking I'm a spoiled, privileged woman. I also want her qualified in midwifery so that when I deliver any future children she will be well informed in birthing so that when the children arrive she can leave the master suite to announce to you and the household with heavy sweat on her brow, that I have brought our first into this world.

I want you to be devilishly handsome. You must have a bronzed and rippling body. You must have long hair that is well maintained without dandruff or split ends. You must also have a large circumcised penis. Any and all body hair must be kept to a minimum and I'd prefer if you waxed. However, you cannot be prettier than me so you must have an odd characteristic like a big nose or ears that stick out. You must also have straight teeth and invest in a good dental plan. You must be athletic and excel in sports such as archery, horse riding, polo, hunting, and golf. You must have several male friends you play with that are not nearly as good as you. As far as your friends go, they must be attractive and charming. They must also have less money than you, except for the one older friend who is insanely good looking and rich, that I later have an affair with. Their wives must be ugly and snobby and spend Sunday's at our home doing little to hide their jealousy over our good fortune.

Perhaps the most difficult request to fulfill, I want you to have a carriage. I realize we're in the middle of the city, but hopefully on your plantation you'll have several acres that we can ride around on. Maybe even a pond where we can stop the carriage and the driver can take the horses a few yards away so they will not do their business in the area where we're having our romantic picnic where you wildly ravage my hungry body. The sex must be earth shattering and my toes must curl when you bring me to orgasm. However, you are not allowed to disclose our bedroom activities to anyone, but merely hint suggestively that our love life is quite satisfactory. If you fit this description, I am casually awaiting your response.

Forever yours, Sleeping Dreamer

Norman is That You?

Lonely woman in search of help

LOCATION: San Francisco

I am so lonely. I need a nice gentleman to help me. I am an older widow. My husband, George, may he rest his soul, died an untimely death 20 years ago of heart failure. Ever since then I have been alone, never drinking from the wonderful pool of sexual intimacy since those dark days of grieving and despair. I sank into a dark depression after George’s death, wearing black, painting my face kabuki white, with bright red lipstick. I so loved George that I always wanted him with me although I knew he could never be with me ever again. I had kept Monsieur Rouge, my cat, and Monsieur Passer au Crible, my beloved Pomeranian, with me by having them freeze dried and stuffed, forever gazing out over the city their paws loved to travel. It became my decision to have George preserved, to be always smiling at me from the chair he so loved to sit in when we shared tea. We still share our tea today; it is wonderful to see him everyday, locked into a smile with that ever-pensive look that so attracted me to him when we first met atop the Eiffel Tower. Last summer, a rodent infiltrated my apartment. One night while refilling my glass with cognac, the rodent revealed himself to me. Now I see it as sign from George or a power greater then myself. The beast scurried out of the breadbasket, down the counter, jumped onto the railing leading out of the kitchen, and disappeared into the blackness of the living room. The next morning I investigated the living room to see if I could locate the point of entry. While searching by the front windows, I decided to give my beloved companion Monsieur Passer au Crible a caress. He felt soft, and his skin did not present the usual amount of resistance, I had grown so used to over the years. He felt hollow, and echoed when rapped upon by my wedding ring. I picked him up, and noticed his well-gnawed and tattered sphincter. It appeared that the beast had taken refuge in Monsieur Passer au Crible, gaining entrance by severing the strings that for 25 years had held his dehydrated sphincter shut, in an immortal puckered wink. I discovered that Monsieur Rouge had befallen the same fate. George, oh my sweet, could it be that like Goldie Locks testing the porridge, this best was looking for the perfect habituĂ©? I rushed to George and carried him to the bedroom, as he did on our wedding night. The back of his pants showed the telltale signs of entry. But what is this, I could hear something moving about in George? I stripped George down to he nakedness and discovered that his penis and testicles had been either consumed by the beast or carried away and fashioned into a nest. I gave George’s stomach a push and felt something move under the pressure, muscular and strong, nerves alive. At that moment the beast came bounding out of George’s gaping groin with what appeared to be my beloveds penis betwixt he teeth, like a bull through the gates in Pamplona: scared, hungry, alone like me. He ran and leapt out the window onto a tree branch, and I have never seen him again, but the message was not lost on me. That night I found myself on my knees before my husband with a nail file, plucking the stuffing out of him through the hole in his groin. Like the men I was so fascinated with as a young woman who Escaped From Alcatraz by chipping the besotted concrete from around the ventilation grates, I worked hollowing out my George, disposing of the innards down the garbage disposal. I installed a zipper on the torso, quick release Velcro on the legs and arms, thimbles in the tips of his fingers, and attached snaps to the front and back flaps of skin on his head so that George can come back to me. I am looking for a gentle man who will be willing to wear this and have tea with me then carry me to the bedroom and make sweet love to me like Gorge did over 30 years ago on our wedding night. I have left the original tattered hole fashioned by the beast, so it will be your penis that enters me. I would also love to have you sit on the edge of the bed with a glass of cognac resting on your left knee and allow me to service you like I did George. Mixing - the smell of the cognac and the taste of you in my mouth will return me back to those few years I had with my beloved George. Afterwards I will bath you, make you a plate of bacon, tomatoes, and a side of half a head of lettuce with homemade buttermilk ranch dressing, just as I did for George. Please have some pity on a lovely older lady, and help he begin to rebuild her life and sanity? If this interests you, please send me your measurements so that I might determine a suitable fit.

Takes All Kinds

Seeking total forced sex

LOCATION: Boston

Looking for a man between the ages of 38 and 42. Preferably over 6'1 tall, no less than 180lbs, no more than 192lbs.

Must have blue eyes and blonde hair, light brown hair will be considered but it better be fucking LIGHT BROWN, not dark brown from your Sicilian mom and Greek dad. Preferably a high and tight, ex military welcome.

Must be able to climb to second floor terrance without a tree or gutter for assistance. Must drive to my home, I will not travel to your home. You must have a quiet running car, no clunkers that the neighbors will call the police about.

You must be circumsized. You must bring your own rope or handcuffs, no flexi-strips for tying me up, they hurt too much. You must not be allergic to cats or rabbits, I don't want to listen to you sneeze the whole time. You must be able to listen to Nine Inch Nails during the act, no requesting Elton fucking John or some shit. If you can't get it up for "Hurt" don't bother. You must be strong, I don't want to be able to get away, waste of my time.

OK here are the most important rules:
You must not, under any circumstances stop fucking me, not even for a minute. If I yell, "Stop, please don't hurt me, please, Ill do anything." You must remember that that means go really fast.
"Please be gentle." Means call me bitch.
"You are hurting me." means....... what? OK if you forgot that that means go really fast just stop reading now.
You must not remove any food from my home. Last time I set this up the guy took my last Coors Light and a whole box of Yankee Doodles...please, those are my favorite.
Please don't ask me if you can come back for a second "date". The answer is no, and no really means no this time.

Please don't talk to me about any of the following: Weather, Art, Music, Current Events, W, Mitt Romney, Ted Kennedy or any of the hybrid cars, I don't care. No watching television while fucking me.

Specifics: I will be exiting my shower at 9:45 thursday night, Id like you waiting in the closet already wearing a condom. Also, please bring a light blue or similarly colored towel to fuck me on, I have white carpetting and I would like to keep it that way. Please do not touch my hair, I don't like anyone to tug my ponytail or mess up my hair, its my thing. Please wear Stetson Cologne, no expensive shit, I won't be able to get off with CK 1 for men.

Please be able to walk and chew gum at the same time. I want a man who can multi-task and maybe fist me while cumming in my mouth. You must bring a sharp object to hold against my throat but do not leave any marks!

PLEASE brush your teeth before seeing me, and use ACT 1 mouthwash. NO tatoos, please. NO facial hair. NO longer than 20 minutes please, I have someone else lined up for 10:30 and I need to take another shower. Anything else is negotiable except my ass.

Please respond by 3pm this afternoon.

How Horny Are You?

Knife Thrower

LOCATION: San Francisco

I am a hot and horny young woman with kind of a weird fetish...knife throwing. Yes, I said knife throwing. Don't worry, I have absolutely no desire to hurt you, nor will I. I recently moved to the Bay Area and I am just looking for a guy to have some knife-throwing fun with.

Here's what I want: you stand against the wall, in your place or mine, and I throw knives in your direction. I can get them within one inch of your head, shoulders, elbows, fingers and crotch without so much as a scratch. I have been practicing for a while and I never miss. I have only had two guys let me throw knives in their direction since I left Indiana. I guarantee you, I never hurt them and they did NOT regret it.

So, if you let me throw knives in your direction (I promise you won't be hit) you might be rewarded with my pussy.

Let me know if you are man enough for the job.

An Epic Mount

Warcraft players look inside

LOCATION: New York

Hello I need 5000 world of gold for my epic flying mount. In return you can mount me.

You have to have an account on the laughing skull server and I want the 5000 gold BEFORE we do anything, we can make the trade at your place since I can't host. EDIT: Because I am having a lot of dumb guys message me who clearly don't have the gold make SURE to send: a picture of yourself and a screenshot of your character with the 5000g, I will be checking armory profiles, thanks.

I play a level 70 night elf druid and would prefer someone who was into roleplaying (I have a costume!) but honestly anyone will do, as long as you have the gold. I would also be ok with a woman too, as long as you have the gold! Also not adverse to the idea of groups\anal. Please send a pic and be real and drug\disease free with 5000 gold on the laughing skull server.

Honest to a Fault

The Barracuda

LOCATION: Michigan

I’m probably the biggest b*itch I know.

Luckily, the people who know and love me accept that. Some of them, God love them, don’t even consider it to be a flaw.I am often brutally honest, have no patience for stupid people, and sometimes lack the filter that runs from brain to mouth. Or perhaps it just shorts out from time to time.

I’ve been married twice, so I’m probably bitter. Happy couples who do the whole public display of affection thing make me want to vomit. My mom once told me, “You know, not everybody is meant to be happily married.”

I am pregnant: third child, third baby daddy. Last week, Jerry Springer called wanting to know if I was interested in coming on his show to find my son’s dad. I politely declined because my entire hillbilly family would want to come with me, and the show was only willing to pay for two rooms.

I have two cats. I love my cats. Okay, I love ONE of them. The other one I would eat if I had to. I heard that cat tastes like chicken. Ciatee, the cat I wouldn't eat, sleeps on my bed, right next to me. If I had a dog, he/she would sleep on the floor, unless it was a little purse dog. Which, I would carry around in a cute pink purse. A dog that small could sleep next to the cat.

Reverse Psychology

Good Girl

LOCATION: Virginia

Rather than type a paragraph about myself, I think I'll just wait until we start talking and getting to know each other. You can ask me any questions you may be curious about, I'm sure I'll have plenty for you. I look forward to getting things started.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Good Hygiene Wanted

Never a Dull Moment

LOCATION: Virginia Beach

I am everyday people and have been told I am one of a kind...I wake up with a song in my heart and pep in my step. And that's the truth... SO...back to what I want...I'm just going to list them in no particular order: Nice arms, chest and if you are hairy you must be trimmed with a #2 guard...including arms and chest - and your back must be waxed. (I don't mind helping as long as it's not a forest ;-). Feet...WOW...now this is important...pay attention...stop what you're doing and look at your feet right now...acceptable or not? Hands...nail biters need not apply. Cologne...must smell good all the time...don't be afraid to spritz heavily. Hair...neckline trimmed, no stragglers. ;-)

I Love a Woman That Talks So Much About Herself

Just Looking
LOCATION: Virginia Beach

I am looking for someone to share my life and my daughters life with. I love my job and I work hard for my company. My daughter is very important to me and she will always be #1. I don't deal with drama and I have my head on straight. I know what I want out of life and I will have it.

Please Don't Sugar Coat It

Blues
LOCATION: Virginia Beach

Hmmm, don't know what to say at this point. Life is hurting, healing, hurting again, healing again. over and over. When is the end? Maybe it is the day you exhale your last breath. Maybe it is too much grey here.

Well, I am looking for someone who would realy appreciate me. enjoy the quality of me.I like laugh, like make fun of myself and I am also sensitive. I can dance for hour at club, and also can sit by the lake just watch the rain for hour too. There are a lot more, I will let you know when we know each other more.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Many Faces of Audrey

SWF with DID Wants Caring Kinky Man
LOCATION: Los Angeles

If you're looking for a "normal" woman, please do us both a favor and move on. I'm single by choice, white, in good shape (personal trainer), and attractive enough where I have no trouble getting dates. However, due to some severe childhood trauma, I also suffer from dissociative identity disorder or DID, often mistakenly called Multiple Personality Disorder.

For the past few years, I've fought with medication and several therapists and suffered through relationships with men and sometimes women who just didn't understand the needs of my alters - the other personalities that manifest themselves from time to time. Perhaps I'll never have a long term relationship ubt I have come to realize in the past few years that there are many kinky people in the world and the internet has given me a safe and sane forum to meet them. So, with a hopeful heart, I'm wondering if someone is out there who can handle all of me. I'm looking for someone who would be comfortable with all of my alters. Understand that I have no control about which alter appears and when, so you have to be the kind of person who goes with the flow.

Audrey - this is "me". I'm a normal woman, I suppose. I like snuggling and enjoy sex.
Trixie - a nineteen old runaway. She is a real partier, very bisexual and into sleeping with strangers. She has a temper.
Vance - a stern 45 year old ex cop. This male alter is very dominant and enjoys forcing his partners into anal adventures.
Maggie - A born again Christian, age 35. She is secretly a lesbian and this comes out by the women she brings home, ostensively for her man but actually for herself. She also makea a lot of cookies and follows the "Fly Lady" routine from the internet.
Sara - 25 year old seemingly frigid virgin. Requies a lot of patience as she cries a lot, but will warm up to the right person.

Anyway, that's me right now. I can't promise what will happen in the future, but who can? Can someone out there handle it? I am feeling pretty lonely and would if I meet the right person and we all hit it off, I'd like to get going right away.

Future stoner chick-a-boom-puffpuff

Wanted: STONER BOYFRIEND
LOCATION: San Francisco

Where are all the cool hippy guys out there? I would drive to Santa Cruz, park my fine ass in a park, playing my ukulele, eating tofu jerky, waving a clear baggy of catnip tied to a stick and spend a day trying to lure a cool stoner to join me on my blanket of love…,but I have a real 8-5 job and can’t afford that luxury. So where do I find one of you earthenware brothas? I’m tired of shmuckety-schmuck yuppies with money. Frankly, their cars are usually a better ride than they are. That, and they’re notorious cheaters. It’s as if faithfulness dives to the ground on the seesaw when success, money, and a hot car rises to the sky on the other end. Before any of you peg me as some kind of sad self-pitying chick whose Daddy left her & so she is doomed to chase cheaters & beaters and sabotages her relationships because she feels unworthy of a man’s love, just know that I do not engage in self-pity, ever, because I have a great life full of blessings & achievements & I realize I have it better than 99% of the world’s population. That, and I have a great relationship with my father. I’m just slamming a certain segment of the population that I have had extensive personal experience with. In my quest for the “right” boyfriend, (right for me, right for right now, whatever) I have dated various types, from the poor starving artist, to the self-absorbed bodybuilder, to sugardaddy types, to the intellectual Seinfeld guy next door. They all failed, though not always miserably. Yet, being the eternal optimist, I am on to the next type and, fingers crossed, we will hit the mark for a good time. At least I think I’d know what to expect with a cool stoner guy (though surprises are nice). I’m thinking…..MELLOW TIMES. I like to laugh.

Here are my revised criteria for the next boyfriend:

You must be either a) an unemployed djembe player (if you must google djembe, then you’re obviously not down to par) b) a trust fund baby with real, intended if not realized, artistic goals c) just plain confused about why the hell you haven’t packed up & moved to the islands yet or d) employed at some warehouse, the atmosphere of which leads you to gripe about the “establishment” and the political agenda of your Nazi floor supervisor. You must have scruffy, shaggy hair, all over, preferably, au natural, be it on your face, head, or body. Bonus points if you smell like patchouli. Dress in soft cargo shorts & thrift store shirts, own no socks and not enough sandals & look rockin’ in either snowboard/surfer gear, or shirtless if you’re a rockclimber. You have a favorite hat, favorite pajamas, and a good luck charm. You must live in either Santa Cruz or a treehouse. Somewhere with a lot of trees, preferably, so we could take nature walks & oil paint the pretty flowers together. One of us would have to purchase a compass or be able to navigate by sun/stars in case we get lost out there. You must either a) own a car that you can’t drive b) drive a car you don’t own c) have the ability to drive my car, if not the urge to want to. I am happy to provide & fulfill the various material needs of this relationship, however I do like to be treated like a lady now & again and be driven around by her smooth new stoner boyfriend. It’s cool. I have a convertible. No, not everyone is looking at you. You must love to eat, because I love to cook. I can fix us stoner-approved goodies like an array of munchy crunchy finger foods OR I can cook a gourmet dinner that won’t be lost on your extra-heightened tastebuds. One thing I won’t do is use flaxseed because that crap gave me an allergic reaction and my tongue turned blue & I spoke with a lame novocaine-like fubblelisp for days. You must love to cuddle and be happy to leave a shirt that smells like you for me to sniff when you’re not around. I will not be burning incense in your absence, so this seemingly tiny detail is critical. Since I am the professional career woman and will be supporting you & financing most of our outings, it is critical that you be thoughtful, entertaining or have some talent(s) to amuse us with. I will buy you that new surfboard if you design something out of hemp rope & barbwire (to showcase the symbiosis of Nature & Man) for me to hang as a mobile above our bed. You should probably have a prescription for ya medicine, feel? I mean, if you have no choice but to get it illegally, then I understand, it’s just that they issue you these cool little ‘green cards’ when you’re under a cool Doctor’s dope Rx. You must be comfortable giving & receiving massages and capable of lots of stimulating sexoccupations because there’s nothing hotter than being able to do yoga in bed, balancing Funyuns on our nipples, engaging in textural pudding wrestling, blowing smokeballs in each other’s mouths, and bragging to friends about the time when you should’ve pulled a tantric muscle but didn’t, because Maaan, that shit’s sooo ___fill in the blank__. Most of our time together, after my long boring day in corporate America, will be spent a) smoking b) gettin’ busy c) eating d) playing videogames e) nature hikes f) planning the secession of Northern California Okay, that’s about it. I like all types & races of men, your smile & eyes are most important. Of course, be in relatively good shape (it’ll come in handy for the yoga payoff) and taller than me (I’m 5’6’). Also, no one over 33. If you are still a stoner at 34, then somewhere your mama went wrong. If you or someone you know fits all or most of the criteria above, and is generally a nice guy with few baggage (that he can remember), pass him my way.

Peace

Losing Touch With Reality



LOOKING FOR LEGEND OF ZELDA LINK>>> IF HES OUT THERE
LOCATION: Denver



Hi, I know thats strange one. I want a guy who looks like link. from the game. I thought to myself that I might as well be honest. I look like zelda, so why not ask for it? who knows.. I know theres a guy like that. So if you think you look like link, the blonde skater cut, and light eyes look email me. Im a simple chick who loves zelda. I know thats a corney one to ask but heck we might as well be honest as to what we like? am I right? I want a guy like that and a guy who is romantic and believes in chilvary, love, old school ways, and doesnt have a problem with european culture. Thanks a bunch!!! If I like you, and you have a pic, ill email you back. PS I WILL NOT RESPOND to guys without FACE SHOTS. period. Thankyou for understanding. Im not a body chick. more a face and Please only guys 30 and below. And please do not email me rude comments... this world has too many jerks and I delete them and report to the authorities. Its extreme I know But please have respect.