On The First Date:
I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.
In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)
I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone. I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it". I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.
I may call you the following day. I may not.
On The Second Date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave.
I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.
YOU MUST BE:
· Single (that means not LEGALLY married)
· Under 55 & over 25
· Not a baby-daddy
· Drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
· Well-mannered, for appearances
· Able to leave work at work. this implies employment
· Educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
· NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
· Act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.
· Over one-night stands.
· Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed.
· Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.
· Able to say "NO" and scream "YES".
· Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witt
TOGETHER, WE WILL
· Play trivia
· Act like raging dickheads in public establishments
· Giggle at midgets
· Fornicate regularly
· Discuss books
· Perhaps smoke *winkwink* excessively if the mood strikes, and it will.
· Often laugh at others and harder at ourselves
· One-up eachother
WE WILL NOT :
· Involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.
· Yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
· Be dishonest
· Care what everyone else thinks
· Do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
· Throw low-blows in times of frustration
Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at...
I'm not fat. I'm a pretty healthy individual. I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond.
I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out.
I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.
Bring your A-game, bitches!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009