Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I'm looking for a man that will pay for any and all things that I want. You must have an absurd amount of old money inherited from past generations. New money does not interest me unless it is followed by a lineage of pedigree. I also want you to speak with a charming accent and use "thee" "thou" "thy" "ye" and the like. Speech is very important and I want you to sound intelligent, you don't necessarily have to be intelligent, just educated with a degree to support your background.
I want to make sure you're of proper background so I'll request a copy of your family tree with various ties to past royalty. I want you to have a big plantation home that has a name, with a staff that's graciously willing to accommodate any and all of your needs, including an enslaved kitchen girl whom you'll have secretive affairs with in the carriage house out back of your mansion. If she's to fall pregnant, I want her immediately shipped off to serve someone else and a younger, less attractive cook to fill her position. I also want a colorful housekeeper that speaks with a thick accent to bathe and dress me in the mornings. She must be funny without overstepping her boundaries and befriend me while thinking I'm a spoiled, privileged woman. I also want her qualified in midwifery so that when I deliver any future vhildren she will be well informed in birthing so that when the children arrive she can leave the master suite to announce to you and the household with heavy sweat on her brow, that I have brought our first into this world.
I want you to be devilishly handsome. You must have a bronzed and rippling body. You must have long hair that is well maintained without dandruff or split ends. You must also have a large circumcised penis. Any and all body hair must be kept to a minimum and I'd prefer if you waxed. However, you cannot be prettier than me so you must have an odd characteristic like a big nose or ears that stick out. You must also have straight teeth and invest in a good dental plan. You must be athletic and excel in sports such as archery, horse riding, polo, hunting, and golf. You must have several male friends you play with that are not nearly as good as you. As far as your friends go, they must be attractive and charming. They must also have less money than you, except for the one older friend who is insanely good looking and rich, that I later have an affair with. Their wives must be ugly and snobby and spend Sunday's at our home doing little to hide their jealousy over our good fortune.
Perhaps the most difficult request to fulfill, I want you to have a carriage. I realize we're in the middle of the city, but hopefully on your plantation you'll have several acres that we can ride around on. Maybe even a pond where we can stop the carriage and the driver can take the horses a few yards away so they will not do their business in the area where we're having our romantic picnic where you wildly ravage my hungry body. The sex must be earth shattering and my toes must curl when you bring me to orgasm. However, you are not allowed to disclose our bedroom activities to anyone, but merely hint suggestively that our love life is quite satisfactory. If you fit this description, I am casually awaiting your response.
Forever yours, Sleeping Dreamer
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I would tell you that I'm sweet, but I'm not...
I am not like any other girl... I truly want a man who wants to take care of me. Now, please understand that I am not a Gold-digger and I don't need you to take care of me. I simply want a man who wants to do it just because. In return I will will brighten your life with my optimism, boost you with loyalty, trust you blindly and shower my affection on you. I will definitely encourage you to see dreams and help you in making them come true!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
- I will judge you on how well you parallel park.
- Drinking coffee out of plastic makes you impotent.
- I’d date me if I could!
- Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again.
- Do we go on 3 or is it 1, 2, 3, then go?
- Don’t be a mushroom. I hate mushrooms.
- Only boring people get bored. Bored yet?
- If I could rearrange the alphabet, “I” would be at the top.
- Beauty Fades. Dumb is Forever.
- I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
- It says, 'I Choo-choo-choose You,' and there's a picture of a train!
- Life is like a can of corn...
- Fuzzy inside out
- Did you buy that at the dollar store?
- Just because you put wheels on my grandmother, does not make her a bus.
- I feel you dancing in my chest!
- Looking for the female version of yourself?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
marriage could hv been a perfect word ,I do not know you but I have missed you all of my life. I am getting to a point where I want to meet you and I can't help but wonder when and how that will be. I want to know where you are from and where you are going. I want to know your name and see your face and recognize you. I want to know what you want to be and where I fit into to that. I want to know what experiences you have had that have shaped you and what experiences you still crave. I'm curious as to how you see the world and am eager to hear about everything I have missed up until now.
When I was younger I used to think alot about who you'd be and when I'd meet you. I thought about what I would say and what we would talk about. I always knew that when I found you, we would be so comfortable with each other that it would just be easy. I think you will bring out a part of me that I have only caught glimpses of and have really liked.
Lately I have become more impatient and and have questioned whether you exist. There is space in my life for you that I am keeping open, but I want to know you'll be there soon. I have been growing so much over the last few years and I know I will be easier to recognize because of that. I am becoming the person you are looking for but if we meet too soon, please understand I might not be there yet. What can I do to be that person? How can I make sure you'll recognize me?
I want to know what you're doing right now and if you're getting to the point where you wonder about me. I don't know if there is only one person out there for me, but I know that you are going to mean so much to me that it will seem that way.
I am generally very self sufficient but I am no longer enough for me. I'm not saying you have to fill a void but I miss you and I don't even know you yet. I find myself wanting your advice, your company, your comments, your perception, your love, your touch, your respect and your longing glances. I'm trying to fight the impatience but I know one day, I will not be able to handle being without you. I have seen many people fall in love with those who have been right under their nose for years. I can't help but wonder if we will be that way. Perhaps I already know you, maybe I've thought of you already today, maybe we had lunch or maybe we have yet to meet.
I will not settle, I am far too deliberate in my life and I don't want to waste my time. The opposite of love is indifference and that is the worst emotion to feel about someone. I think I'll know when I find you and so far I haven't had the right feeling but I cannot doubt myself on this.
I'm tired of dating, I want to date you. I know you are incredibly smart because it's what I find most attractive. I know you are kind and sweet and passionate and maybe (hopefully) even a bit nerdy. You're sexy and clever and funny and can keep my attention without even trying because you challenge me. I know you like to travel and want to go to new places together. I know I will be so proud of what you have done with yourself that I will brag and embarrass you, I'm sorry for that. You'll love my friends I promise, I think they too can't wait to meet you. So in the meantime, I am waiting for you. I will always wait for you, but please...... try not to take your time. I'm going to continue on the path I'm on and trust it will cross with yours when the time is right. I'm not sure what sort of temptations I will encounter along the way, but I promise I will do my best. I have this picture of our life together in my head and sometimes I catch a glimpse of other people living it and I know our time will come. I don't care if everything turns out like I think they will, what are the chances of that anyway, but I know we will be happy. We will complement each other and I can't wait to learn from you. Like I said, I'll be here. I want you now, but I know you are worth the wait.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
- Ashes to ashes; dust to dust; Life is short, so party we must.
- Sensi the night dragon drifted through the sky, her beautiful fragrance charmed those in her wake.
- Turtles are green.
- No, no, no, see-- the pig was on fire WHILE I was chasing it.
- Shake it like a salt shaker.
- Good morning, good afternoon, and if I don’t see you, good night.
- There are 10 pins in my heart....care to go for a strike?
- 2% and I don’t mean milk.
- I’ve got a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
- If only a closed mind came with a closed mouth.
- Sherlock aint got nothing on me!
- You can’t make me put anything here.
- I never grow older cause I drink from waterfalls.
- Never thought I’d have an admirer from overseas, but somebody’s sending me stationary filled with chimpanzees.
- eenie, meenie, miney, moe; catch this woman by her toe.
- I want Mr. Sensitivity since Mr. Right doesn’t exist!
- Where is my plastic surgeon?
- Did you know that 1 in 12 kids gets their head stuck in a bucket?
- My prince took the wrong turn, got lost, and was too damn stubborn to ask for directions.
Monday, March 8, 2010
10) Feel free to interact with me. All my shots are current!
9) You must be over 5’10” to read this profile.
8) I bathe every day!
7) Is this thing like eBay?
6) Shopping for Guys – And They Said There Was No Such Store!
5) Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until they speak?
4) I'm like poop. The older I get the easier I am to pick up!
3) Coffee, Chocolate, and Men - some things are just better rich.
2) I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.
1) Willing to lie about how we met!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I am a very career-focused, attractive, 5'9, 120lb woman who is seeking a man who is willing to fulfill my ultimate sexual fantasy. I am an executive with a very successful corporation that keeps me very busy and I sometimes have difficulty finding men who share similar interests to my own in the bedroom.
Nothing turns me on more then Jurassic Park themed role play. You must be the animatronic dinosaur, and I must be the helpless child (Tim or Lex) stuck in the park at your mercy. You will growl mechanically into my ear and stare threateningly. I will feign panic and search for the flash light in the back seat of the visitor jeep. You will sniff at the window slowly and then release a robotic roar into the night air. I scream for Alan Grant, but your over sized robot jaws come crashing down through the overhead window, pinning me to the floor. I cannot stress this enough however, you must play as a ROBOTIC dinosaur. This is very specific, my interest lie entirely in animatronic dinosaurs, not real ones.
I thought I should mention this as there have been unfortunate miscommunications in the past, leading to performances that have left me without an orgasm. Other situations could include you being the dilophasaurus and spitting in my face and then going for my jugular. Or you could be the ill and moaning triceratops, and I would be Ellie Sadler, digging through your stool to find the source of the ailment. More or less any scene from the film involving a mechanical dinosaur interacting with a human will do fine.
I don't like wasting my time, so make sure you do your homework and watch the film and make sure you can fully embrace the mindset of an animatronic dinosaur. I am an incredibly sexual person and I would make it a blockbuster night that you would never forget.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
First, a little about me. I'm a 20-year-old good looking blonde attending University. I'm tired of wasting my time, so I have formulated some mandatory criteria in part A and part B is based on points.
1) You must be born male. Sorry, no trannies, I'll need to see a birth certificate.
2) You must own something to wear to a formal reception.
3) You must not own or ever wear birkenstocks, crocs footwear or randy river jeans.
4) All your parts need to be in good working order, further testing will need to be conducted of course.
5) I can't accept a regular drug user. Despite BC culture, I am including weed.
6) You must own at least four collared dress shirts. You need to look presentable standing next to me.
7) Your height must be proportional to your weight using the standard AMA guidelines.
8) You have to have lived in Victoria for at least two consecutive years.
9) You must have a photo which was taken in the last 3 months.
10) English must be your first language. Sorry, I'm not a part-time ESL teacher.
If you meet all of the requirements above then you may continue, if not, then you are now dismissed but thank you for applying to be my boyfriend.
Now: give yourself two points for each of the following criteria you meet Part B
1) You have (or are working on) a post secondary degree.
2) You own a car and have a valid driver's license. Suspended for DUIs: minus 10 points.
3) You've never worn Ed Hardy, Affliction or any other Christian Audigier affiliated brand.
4) You follow at least one professional sport.
5) You have skills in bed. Not because you think you do, because your past experiences have told you.
6) You are not a born again Christian, Jehovah's Witness or any other kind of religious fanatic.
7) You have been to at least three countries outside of North America.
8) You don't need to call a handy man if something breaks around the house.
9) You know how to cook a meal for two.
10) You like stepping out of your bubble and trying new things like cuisine or bungee jumping. 11) You can make it through a romantic comedy without complaining (we don't have to tell your friends).
12) You have a great sense of humour. Are people laughing with you, or at you?
13) You can plan a good date without any help or advice from me. "I don't know, what do you want to do" isn't an answer.
14) You work out and enjoy being physically active. I hit the gym regularly, you should too.
15) You have a job that requires more than a high school diploma.
16) You ride a motorcycle. I love to go riding.
17) You have a 5 year goal.
18) You aren't afraid of being yourself, even if you have a dorky side.
19) You're competitive, and I don't mean you like to battle it out with your WoW buddies on the weekends.
20) You know how to dance.
If you have a score of 30+ then please contact me immediately. If you scored between 20-30 pts, you can contact me, but I don't have a lot of hope for our future relationship. If you did not score high enough, then please do not contact me, but if at some time in the future you are able to improve yourself and meet the minimum requirements, then you may re-apply.
You MUST respond with your age (this is a creeper free zone, 20-26 year olds only please) and your picture.
I thank you in advance for your application, however, only successful candidates will receive a response.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Keep your supersized genitalia, washboard abs and hyperactive stamina away. Don't even send me a pic of your penis.
I'm a pretty enough woman, a little extra padding now bikini season is over. I'm not waxed like a barbie doll or some deep throating goddess so move on if that's what you're looking for.
Let's just do it like an old married couple alright (however if you're married or in a committed relationship of any sort, don't bother me. If you've ever experimented with men, I'm also not interested).
I lie there maybe watch the tube. You stick it in, suck my nipples and get your rocks off. Then we both fall asleep without talking and maybe do it again in the morning... maybe. Could be a regular thing.
If this interests you and you're between the ages of 35-50, send me a message that doesn't make you seem like some sex crazed horndog, brain damaged, or both.