Picture iMperfect

From the blooper reel.

Got to show off the tongue stud.

Ah the cute couple. Wait WTF?

Which one are you?

Good people skills.

Yeah this is going to work.

Do you wanna be my first boy friend in VA. I live in VAB. Single black woman , no kids ,do not smoke, I'm 5' 6", 120 Ibs ,I like music, movies.

Include this when contacting me.your height ,weight, your occupation, smoke or non smoke, drink or don't drink, have kids or no kids.

I wanna know every thing about you.

I wear my sunglasses at night

I guess these women never heard that the eyes are the window into the soul.

Or maybe they did ...

She just added insult to injury with this picture. Yeah it screams LTR.

To my poorly dressed, not-quite-artistic, generically dirty Barista:

I often come to your place of employment for two reasons: (1) to get the fuck away from my parents, with whom I have lived since graduation because the economy hasn't been too kind to people who decided to concentrate in dead languages/liberal arts, and (2) to seek out new and exciting sexual opportunities. Living with one's parents is not particularly kind to one's sex life, and with graduation, so many of those undergraduate opportunities for anonymous sex seem to disappear.

As I sip my four-dollar latte, which is worth about half an hour of unskilled labor at the job I have, for which I am woefully overqualified, and furiously brush away erase turds from my professional school test prep workbook, I survey the cafe for a quick, escapist fantasy. Even though I'm not sure you're not in high school, you're likely the best option for my sick, caffeine-fueled fetish. (Cougarin' it up is the newest thing right? And as a twenty-something, I'm forced to consider statutory). I begin to envision l'affaire du cafe -- some combination of Amelie and the cafe skin scenes from Zack and Miri Make a Porno. But, wait! I suddenly realize I find you less attractive than Seth Rogen. SETH ROGEN.

In order to co-star in my mental menage a deux, you'll need to reconsider your wardrobe, demeanor, hair cut, posture and lifestyle -- or else quit your job, to free up the position for some scrawny, dirty, bearded hipster barista better suited for the part.

Please remove all American Eagle logo T-shirts from your wardrobe. Perhaps you're new to the hip barista world, but know hence forth that deep-V American Appeal T-shirts are the preferred costume choice for barista pornos. That violet shirt will show you are at once confident in your masculinity but also able to appreciate Bon Iver. It will look even better on the floor by the panini press. ;) Consider also exceptionally tight jeans. Much like the glass-covered pastry display, these will allow customers to preview your . . . pastry.

Also, please look to the haircuts of any male who isn't still fretting over the Y2K bug. Any statement you're attempting to make with your matted, overgrown mushroom cut is one of misplaced irony. Please note your hair is not disheveled or wild. Not even Pete Wentz would sport this washed up Backstreet Boys look. Cut it/grow it/dye it. SOMETHING.

On the topic of hair, I doth protest the landing strip-like patch of goatee under your bottom lip and your weak attempt at beard growth. When I look at your mouth/facial hair combo, I think of my own vagina, alarmed at its resemblance to your face, and not imaging the oral pleasures you might provide. While I want no more commitment from you than the time it takes me to re-focus on my problem sets, your beard demands and deserves much more. The beard is in it to win it. Give it a chance.

If you can also manage to slouch a little more, appear slightly more sullen and reassure me that you are/plan to be a graphic designer/grad student/musician/poet, I am sure I can be your little sex pot, all steamed up and ready to shout. You can look forward to a better money shot than the 19 cents I left in your tip jar earlier today.

Are you ready for post-coital discussions of Dave Eggers? Tell me what my favorite Vampire Weekend song is.

Top 10 Most Direct Subject Headers

10) Please be local, fit, over 40, and have a posted picture.

9) Pick Me! Pick Me!

8) So, you wanna make out?

7) Romantic men seem to be extinct. If you're extinct, contact me now.

6) Guys who just want sex need not apply.

5) Looking for a summer fling.

4) No picture, no response!

3) Really not interested in a guy who's old enough to be my father.

2) Just because I don't have a picture doesn't mean I'm not good looking!

and the number one most direct profile subject header....

1) I need a husband!

Picture iMperfect

A little too much Guitar Hero.

Going for the deer look.

The eyes have it.

You're not suppose to use the out takes.

Got to show those tongue piercings off.

Looking for something different

Hello guys!! I'm an attractive, exotic lady in her early 40s. Professional, educated, with a great personality. I look young for my age, take care of myself, work out on a reg basis. I have a gorgeous set of long brown hair, height-&-weight proportionate... I am sweet & affectionate, if we click! I like talking, kissing, going slow... initially ... until I get to know you more.

**Looking for an HONEST SWM who is fit/athletic, professional, educated, active and likes to have fun! Here's my "problem"... I am great in bed & I do have a high sex drive... if you are open to having a relationship with me - being that I have another relationship but nothing very serious right now. I see him on occasion, once or twice a week. We are both clean, been together exclusively for many years. He is open to this idea of me having another "exclusive" relationship, so this is not a problem...

If you are OPEN to this kind of set up, let me know & tell me why you think you would be the BEST candidate for this. I am definitely a catch & I will only consider someone who is mature, gainfully employed/successful & sweet/considerate. Most of all, if you can consider this as that "exclusive" thing between us at least in the interim, that would be great. Our health should be first & foremost so that we can look forward to a long life, enjoying intimacy even at an older age in the decades to come. Hey, I'm just being realistic! Lol ;-)

If you think this is something you can consider, send me a pic & tell me about yourself. Please be HONEST & tell the truth from the very beginning. I have worked in the IS field & I will find out quickly if you are lying... So let's do this right right from the start... Okay?

Just a NOTE: If you have pets I'm allergic to cats & dogs, don't force me to ride your bike/Harley, & clean-cut/military is a plus! [no facial hair] Let's see where this thing will lead us. I look forward to hearing from you! :)

Picture iMperfect

Remember always go with your best picture.

Times are tough and a full wardrobe is hard to come by.

It's not pierced so why are you showing it.

As you can see I'm totally over my ex.

You are correct this is the best picture their will ever be of you.

Pigeon seeks researcher for Skinnerian reconditioning

Here's the deal: I'm a 23 year old girl trapped inside a relationship that ultimately amounts to the relationship between B.F. Skinner and one of his animal test subjects. No matter how much Skinner may care for his pigeon, a healthy relationship can never blossom from the current wreckage, and I need to break free from this box. You're probably wondering, if you know the relationship is so bad, and that he doesn't care about you enough to put forth the effort to make things work, why don't you just leave? The main dilemma lies here: I have been conditioned extremely well. Behavior conditioned by intermittent reinforcement is the most difficult and time consuming to extinguish. I've been in this box for about nine months with nothing to do but cultivate hopes and dreams. And there's this lever. It's gotta do something. Press... nothing.

I thought it did something. Who puts a lever in a box that doesn't do anything? Better press it again, just to make sure. Neat! Indications of affection and consideration dropped into the box. I'm pressing that lever again if I get attention for it! What the hell? This worked a second ago. Press press press press press press press press press press press... DAMN IT! This is useless. I'll just press it like one more-oh hey, is that care and affection?!

It's gotten to be quite difficult, you see. This is why I require reconditioning. Please email what leads you to believe that you are qualified to recondition me. Oh and please be prepared to utilize positive reinforcement, because I'm thinking I'm the sort of girl who derives pleasure from punishment.

19th Century Personal Ads

Easily Tamed

A young lady, country bred, but easily tamed and civilized, would like to correspond with a city gentleman, with a view to matrimony. It is necessary for him to be wealthy, and not less than forty years of age, as she would "rather be an old man's darling than a young man's slave." The advertiser is 21, and presumes her manners and appearance will recommend her to tastes not overly fastidious; also a lady of position, and will expect replies from responsible parties only; therefore, triflers, take heed. Address Matilda, station D, Post office.

For more click here.

Picture iMperfect

Yeah that's what I said.

Sexy.

Nice picture right? It's a stock photo. I know since I've used it for business.

No freaking clue.

Photoshop at it's best.

WoW Dating

Sorry I was unable to embed the video here so just click here for it.

Usernames

A dating profile username is basically the same as a product brand name. Dating profiles should be enticing, making people want to click through and find out more about you but some usernames can have the opposite effect.

Would you buy a chocolate bar called ‘vomit’ or a car called ‘breaksdownalot’? I doubt it, so why would anyone think people would be attracted by these real dating profile usernames:

1. Neverfaithful – well you get 10 out of 10 for honesty but I bet you don’t get many dates.

2. ManiacKiller – hey let’s meet soon, somewhere dark and devoid of witnesses!!

3. Boredofdating – well if you are bored of dating then why are you on a dating site? That just screams I want a husband and I want one now.

4. I’mboring – not going to want to read the rest of your profile then am I?

5. Falsetits44 – you have to be kidding me, you want to advertise that you are 44 and just had a boob job?

6. Princesstopamper – that just screams you are going to be high maintenance and hard work.

7. Stretchmarks – okay so you have had babies and now have stretchmarks but do you think that is the first thing you should tell some about you?

Picture iMperfect

Mmmmm pie. Wait this is a dating site!

I can see you have no friends that will take your picture.

Yeah chicks with shotguns are HOT.

Thanks for the happy face.

Still shaking my head.

Top 10 Funniest Profile Header Messages

10) Feel free to interact with me. All my shots are current!

9) You must be over 5’10” to read this profile.

8) I bathe every day!

7) Is this thing like eBay?

6) Shopping for Guys – And They Said There Was No Such Store!

5) Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until they speak?

4) I'm like poop. The older I get the easier I am to pick up!

3) Coffee, Chocolate, and Men - some things are just better rich.

2) I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

and the number one funniest profile header....

1) Willing to lie about how we met!

Bizarre London Personals

Blah blah, whatever. Indifferent woman. Go ahead and write. Box no. 3253. Like I care.

Your stars for today: A pretty Cancerian, 35, will cook you a lovely meal, caress your hair softly, then squeeze every damn penny from your adulterous bank account before slashing the tyres of your Beamer. Let that serve as a warning. Now then, risotto?

Attention male London Review of Books readers: 'Greetings, earthling -- I have come to infest your puny body with legions of my spawn' is no way to begin a reply. Female, 36 -- suspicious of any men declaring themselves to be in possession of a 'great sense of humor.'

I'm just a girl who can't say 'no' (or 'anaesthetist'). Lisping Rodgers and Hammerstein fan, female lecturer in politics (37) WLTM man to 40 for thome enthanted eveningth.

Love is strange -- wait 'til you see my feet. F, 34, wide-fitting Scholl's.

Women of Color

Women Seeking Men

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.

SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.

Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.

If it's Not Scottish

Engrish is my language of love

Hello hello hello. I am young and noninhibited. I look sort of like the devil. Blonde and luxurious, with thighs look like toothpick. My interests include motorcycle. Are you the right man for me?
Do you enjoy dressing up in police costume? Are you close to my age and live nearby? Do you LOVE to get messages on your back and shoulder after a hard day at work? Please write back to me. My ideal date is somewhere long ago. Castles! and princesses!!!! If you want a real princess, send me an email!

If you send me a picture of your penis then I will erase right nowand vomit. No please!!!!! Also, if you cannt rate yourself at least 85/100 in terms of how you rate yourself, don’t answer.
I am looking for education and jokes.TALL not fat. Not skinny ears.

Please do not disappoint. I want to fall in love by this beatiful ocean. Please love dog cat racoon iguana hamster& gerbil because I have several.

This is Ulysses S Grant. Please love greal heros of this great country, and of my country too!

Noodles!!

Picture iMpefect

Aren't you suppose to save that face until after you get married.

Isn't there like a age minimum?

Due to the IV bagin the background I take it you'll be free soon.

It's not easy being green.

Feeling a little blue today?

Services Wanted

((Not truly a dating request, but too funny to pass up. Also not the picture.))

I bought this IKEA table and i can’t assemble it. Come over and put it together for me and I’ll masturbate while you do it. With a dildo. And I will serve you unlimited iced tea. I’m 37 and not amazing looking but totally serviceable.

The Good, the Bad, and the Crazy

This is bad: I'm 25 and divorced twice (technically once, the second marriage was annulled) But this is good: You can ask my friends and familoy, neither of these break ups were my fault. I have no children and I've been through a hell of alot more than most my age, which has made me into the good and caring person I am today.

This is bad: I have major abandonment issues. Therefore, if my man starts acting cold or doesn't call me when he promised he would, I will be paranoid and wonder if it's becuase he doesn't like me anymore. At least for the first few months. This is good: When I do finally reach the point where I stop being afraid, I can be a girlfriend from the gods. I love doing wonderful little surprises and making my man smile.

This is bad: I will get moody and jealous if your ex girlfriend calls you. This is good: I will always give the same faithfulness and trustworthyness to my man that I expect from him. A relationship is NOTHING without trust.

This is bad: I will give my man the silent treatment if I'm angry with him. This is good: I will never yell at my man in public or put on an episode of Jerry Springer at his work becuase I'm upset with him.

This is bad: I don't really feel like this is my life. It's not the story I was supposed to have, the one that's in my heart. This is good: I'm not so damaged that I'm not willing to keep trying.

This is bad: I'm not really looking for a serious relationship. Just a "we will see" friend. This is good: I'm not really looking for a serious relationship. Just a "we will see" friend.

This is bad: This posting may have made me out to be a real psychotic bitch. This is good: At least I will never have to hide who I am or my insecurities. That would be nice for a change.

Picture iMperfect

The kitchen floor isn't the sexiest place in the house.

I guess this is what you do when you don't know how to date label your picture.

While Gucci shoes might swoon the women, they do nothing for the guys.

Stating you're an ex lingerie model is probably not going to get you the attention you want.

Your mastery of Photoshop makes me hot.

Say What?

hey, whats good? am a young atrractive lady, who is very down to earth, loving and caring person who thinks that loyalty and honesty r important things in everyday life.people has let me down too many times in realationships so am not lookin pro`s of playin girls around. yea am seeking sum of that thug passion too, wit a little spark in d eye. looking for a independent man, who can hold it down for me. and doesent be afraid to take jump offs too.if u are looking for a lady who is down to ride for better or for worse am the one u r looking for. the reason why i dont have pic at my profile is that am a bit camera shy, but i dont favor a cookie monster well if u think u r the man am looking for hit me up with a line,am all ears. p.s. u must b also very sexual person,cos i like to spend much time under covers(though,first i have to find the right person),and am good at what am doing so prepare. so drop me a line and get to meet me in person ha,ha. well , till then`arivederdci! yours truly. ND GUYS: AM MORE THAN A DIME,BUT HARD TO HANDLE, IF U THINK U CAN ,HOLLA AT YA GIRL! PEACE ND LUV

Picture iMperfect

It's a bit forward, but does up the ante.

And this is a good thing why?

I have a husband, son, and now I just need something on the side.

Don't go artistic. It's just plain weird.

That's right. Show how happy you are with dating.