Fellow Daters

Monday, April 26, 2010

Hunter Partnership

"SWF seeks SWM who enjoys farming, zoo keeping and serious preparation for zombie invasion for friendship, LTR and possible marriage.

Must be willing to wear a kilt and own his own broadsword.
Must be down to earth kind of guy, no prior convictions, not subject to any criminal investigations. I will look you up on the state access database so don't bother lying about it. Am D/D free, you be too Must hold liberal political views, while still supporting gun ownership, hunting and private land rights.
No racists, homophobes, or fundamentalists. No Jehova Witnesses or Mormons.
Must love dogs and be approved by my dogs. Must be able to ride a horse and allow me to spend large amounts of time with my animals without complaint. Must take me fishing and buy me a pint now and then. You can go out with your buddies too, I am not the jealous sort. But, you better be home each night in case the zombie invasion begins.
I am a strong, intelligent country woman who can drive anything, haul 10 gallons of water to animals at a time, butcher a deer and run a trot line. Country folk will survive.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Doormats needs love too

Do you have a drinking problem? Do you believe your crappy childhood exempts you from having to be nice to other people? Is "enraged" the only emotion you are capable of feeling? Do you make twice as much as me, yet still need to borrow money a week after you get paid? If so, I am the lady for you! I'm a queer femme who enjoys being yelled at, ignored, and told what is best for me. I'm short, thin (maybe that will trigger your teenage eating disorder issues! Feel free to blame me!), and smart (unless you find that threatening! In which case I am not as smart as you!). I do have clinical depression, which I manage with medication and, ideally, a steady supply of judgment from you.

I'm looking to continue along my current dating path with someone who is immature, unpleasant, and bad at listening.

Bonus points if you: -fetishize my mixed-race background, use it to impress your liberal white friends, and know exactly what "my people" are doing wrong -make "ironic" racist jokes -are a spoiled ass mama's boy -have no friends of your own, preferring to use me for all of your emotional needs (if you must have your own friends, I would rather you use them to cheat on me and/or commiserate about what a terrible girlfriend I am) -hate fat people (although I am not fat myself, I love it when people rip on my friends and expect me to agree because of my genetics) -understand that being an asshole and apologizing for it later is exactly the same as not being an asshole in the first place -use "non-normatively gendered" as a synonym for "teeming with internalized misogyny" Hopefully we can build a lasting relationship and maybe move in together so that you can decorate the apartment with old beer cans filled with cigarette butts and containers of half-eaten takeout food covered in fruit flies. Don't worry, I'll clean up after you.

I'd prefer if you are white and middle-class so you can lord it over me all the time. Physical age unimportant as long as you are emotionally 9 years old.

10 Commandments of Profile Photos

1) Thou shalt not post a photo taken more than 2 years or 20 lbs ago.

2) Thou shalt not post a photo of you with your arm draped around your ex.

3) Thou shalt not post a photo taken in a three-minute photo booth

4) Thou shalt not post a photo with someone’s face blacked out or someone’s body cut out of the picture.

5) Thou shalt not post a photo where you are not smiling.

6) Thou shalt not post a photo where all of your friends are more attractive than you.

7) Thou shalt not post a group photo where a casual viewer can’t figure out which person you are.

8) Thou shalt not post a photo taken by a webcam.

9) Thou shalt not post a photo that shows too much skin.

10) Thou shalt not post a photo of Angelina Jolie.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Picture iMperfect

Putting your best cheek forward.

I'm hoping that's a piercing and not some weird growth.
I'm not quite sure what to say here except YEOWZERS!!!
Really? Is there no other picture of you.
The cult of the snake I see.
That's right. We don't need to see your face.

I see you have room for a man in your life.
Party on!

Friday, April 16, 2010

The "F" Word

Seeking a PGILTF

Which, as you may know (but probably don't since someone has just made it up!) stands for Passionate Guy I'd Like to F--. And of course when I say F---, I mean. . . F--- as in Form a Lasting Relationship. F--- as in Forge an Intimate Partnership. and mostly. .. . F--- as in Fall In Love. What did you think I meant by F---? (Oh well, maybe that too.) I can't help it. Maybe it's because I'm passionate myself but I have a thing for passionate guys that makes me want to F--- them. Well not all of them. Really I'm looking to Forge, Form and Fall (once again, see above. That's what I mean by F---) with just one. To achieve that perfect F---, it would help if my passionate guy was smart, literate, witty and loving as am I. At least aware of culture and creativity as am I. And rugged as am. . .of course I'm not rugged, more like 5"2" and curvy, and appealing in a mature but smartcityoutgoing sort of way. Anyway, if you're a passionate guy clever enough to have gotten past the shock of my approach to discover the soul of this message, please do respond with your photo (sorry, no photo, no reply). And I will reply with a picture of myself in kind. Together we could be F---ing amazing.

Friday, April 9, 2010

The Ultimate Man

I am a happy and blessed person. I try to find the humor in almost everything and my life is pretty much drama free and I'd like to keep it that way. I have to admit I'm more attracted to dark haired men who are in pretty good shape with a great sense of humor and a great smile when I make him happy which I will try to do alot. I have a 23 yr old son in the Navy who lives in CA and a 15 yr old daughter who is in modeling and acting and stays with friends quite often so I often have weekends free. The ultimate man will give me my dream car someday, a '69 Mustang Boss as in my photos.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Seeking bearded, overweight hipster

i realize this is kind of a specific request, but hey, it never hurts to go for what you want. i read this description of north american hipsters, and thought, "you know, that's actually the sort of guy i'm into." should i feel weird that my ideal dude can easily fit into a hilarious stereotype? maybe, but i'm going with it.

"Identification: Like a baby bird who has fallen from the nest, a twee twit is simply too soft and gentle for this world. He cannot abide bright colors or harsh materials, so he is usually swaddled in soft, pastel sweaters and corduroy pants. He might have a beard, because shaving is far too scary, and stubble is like sandpaper against his delicate features. He is mumbly and soft-spoken, but he doesn’t mind being unintelligible; he wouldn’t want to impose upon you unduly by putting forward an idea. He’s a cat person. He’s almost too much of a feminist to tolerate the act of sexual intercourse. He’s had the same girlfriend for eight years, and he doesn’t mind the fact that she’s gained a little weight. They throw the nicest dinner parties.

"Musical Taste: The twee twit mainly enjoys mellow post-shoegaze in which nothing much happens, gentle American indie-rock in which nothing much happens, and unobtrusive indie-hippie-folk in which nothing much happens. Too much distorted guitars or non-whispered vocals instantly melt these guys. Sigur Rós has some really nice songs, but sometimes they get a little too raucous.

"How to Tame a Twee Twit: Give him a hug, or bake him some cookies. If you meet him in a record store, say “boy, I wish all Pavement songs sounded like ‘Here.’” "Benefits of Friendship: Twee twits are pretty much guaranteed to be nice, reliable, steadily employed, and inoffensive. They don’t mind packing a little bit of a paunch, so they’ll be willing to eat greasy diner food with you at 4 in the morning without bitching about gaining an ounce.

"Drawbacks of Friendship: Two words: Belle & Sebastian. There’s no escaping the fact that these guys like boring, boring music, and they’re going to get uncomfortable if you blast any crunk in your car (and why even have a car if you can’t blast crunk in it?) If his girlfriend dumps him, you will have to see him cry, and his tears and snot will get all in his beard." if you feel a kindred spirit with that stereotype, please, feel free to message me. we can drink imported beer, be all ironical, watch movies that are way over our heads, give each other mix tapes (TAPES for real, i just bought a 7-pack of maxwell 90 minute tapes at cvs), write embarrassing letters, drunkenly make out, go bowling, cry, whatever. i shop at thrift stores but pretty much only buy shoes and doofy home accessories. i used to have a short, cute haircut, but i'm growing it out and it's in that floppy in-between stage. i have horrible taste in everything. i'm also extremely lazy, which is why i'm ending this ad now. p.s. you don't actually have to be bearded, overweight, or hipstery. just have that general aesthetic (ie "indie rock and diners" over "club beats and date raping drunk chicks")

p.p.s. this is the worst personal ad i've ever written. that should give you an idea of the type of effort i'm willing to put forth. hope to hear from you soon!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Oddity, For Serious Symbiotic Relationship

I'm not going to make you think I'm sweet all the time. I'm a real woman. We're not all glitter and coconut tanning oil. I can be sweet, and I can make you sweets, but I'm not a very good actress and I dont pretend to like kittens, babies, or sweatpants with words on the butt just to land a man. I like driving fast, I like drinking, I like being a little bit fat as long as I work out and eat correctly and maintain my health. I'm crafty and I have amazing skills all over the spectrum. We're talking magical. I'm adultish, very responsible and mature (but still feel like I'm seven most days), I make more money than most people I know (I always thought ...who cares about money? But apparently some guys do).

I'm currently dating 3 different people and hate all of them - give me a reason to cut them all and go with one guy... I need someone who craves me because I dont seek your approval but I want to be around you lots. I want you to want to be around me lots, too. I might sound like I am one of those immature girls who shops only at angry novelty clothing stores and hates the world; but I rather enjoy love, life, and laughing 90% of my awake-time. (The rest of the time, I spend playing practical jokes or kind of zoning out.)

I cant sleep right now, and tomorrow I'll definitely feel like wasting time at work in between presentations, so send me something original. Like a joke. Maybe a true story that is wild enough to be fiction. I dont want to hear about your daily routine, how many times per week you work out, or what your hair and eye color is. That can be email number two. Show me the real you.