19th Century Personal Ads

Easily Tamed

A young lady, country bred, but easily tamed and civilized, would like to correspond with a city gentleman, with a view to matrimony. It is necessary for him to be wealthy, and not less than forty years of age, as she would "rather be an old man's darling than a young man's slave." The advertiser is 21, and presumes her manners and appearance will recommend her to tastes not overly fastidious; also a lady of position, and will expect replies from responsible parties only; therefore, triflers, take heed. Address Matilda, station D, Post office.

For more click here.

Picture iMperfect

Yeah that's what I said.

Sexy.

Nice picture right? It's a stock photo. I know since I've used it for business.

No freaking clue.

Photoshop at it's best.

WoW Dating

Sorry I was unable to embed the video here so just click here for it.

Usernames

A dating profile username is basically the same as a product brand name. Dating profiles should be enticing, making people want to click through and find out more about you but some usernames can have the opposite effect.

Would you buy a chocolate bar called ‘vomit’ or a car called ‘breaksdownalot’? I doubt it, so why would anyone think people would be attracted by these real dating profile usernames:

1. Neverfaithful – well you get 10 out of 10 for honesty but I bet you don’t get many dates.

2. ManiacKiller – hey let’s meet soon, somewhere dark and devoid of witnesses!!

3. Boredofdating – well if you are bored of dating then why are you on a dating site? That just screams I want a husband and I want one now.

4. I’mboring – not going to want to read the rest of your profile then am I?

5. Falsetits44 – you have to be kidding me, you want to advertise that you are 44 and just had a boob job?

6. Princesstopamper – that just screams you are going to be high maintenance and hard work.

7. Stretchmarks – okay so you have had babies and now have stretchmarks but do you think that is the first thing you should tell some about you?

Picture iMperfect

Mmmmm pie. Wait this is a dating site!

I can see you have no friends that will take your picture.

Yeah chicks with shotguns are HOT.

Thanks for the happy face.

Still shaking my head.

Top 10 Funniest Profile Header Messages

10) Feel free to interact with me. All my shots are current!

9) You must be over 5’10” to read this profile.

8) I bathe every day!

7) Is this thing like eBay?

6) Shopping for Guys – And They Said There Was No Such Store!

5) Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until they speak?

4) I'm like poop. The older I get the easier I am to pick up!

3) Coffee, Chocolate, and Men - some things are just better rich.

2) I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

and the number one funniest profile header....

1) Willing to lie about how we met!

Bizarre London Personals

Blah blah, whatever. Indifferent woman. Go ahead and write. Box no. 3253. Like I care.

Your stars for today: A pretty Cancerian, 35, will cook you a lovely meal, caress your hair softly, then squeeze every damn penny from your adulterous bank account before slashing the tyres of your Beamer. Let that serve as a warning. Now then, risotto?

Attention male London Review of Books readers: 'Greetings, earthling -- I have come to infest your puny body with legions of my spawn' is no way to begin a reply. Female, 36 -- suspicious of any men declaring themselves to be in possession of a 'great sense of humor.'

I'm just a girl who can't say 'no' (or 'anaesthetist'). Lisping Rodgers and Hammerstein fan, female lecturer in politics (37) WLTM man to 40 for thome enthanted eveningth.

Love is strange -- wait 'til you see my feet. F, 34, wide-fitting Scholl's.

Women of Color

Women Seeking Men

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.

SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.

Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.

If it's Not Scottish

Engrish is my language of love

Hello hello hello. I am young and noninhibited. I look sort of like the devil. Blonde and luxurious, with thighs look like toothpick. My interests include motorcycle. Are you the right man for me?
Do you enjoy dressing up in police costume? Are you close to my age and live nearby? Do you LOVE to get messages on your back and shoulder after a hard day at work? Please write back to me. My ideal date is somewhere long ago. Castles! and princesses!!!! If you want a real princess, send me an email!

If you send me a picture of your penis then I will erase right nowand vomit. No please!!!!! Also, if you cannt rate yourself at least 85/100 in terms of how you rate yourself, don’t answer.
I am looking for education and jokes.TALL not fat. Not skinny ears.

Please do not disappoint. I want to fall in love by this beatiful ocean. Please love dog cat racoon iguana hamster& gerbil because I have several.

This is Ulysses S Grant. Please love greal heros of this great country, and of my country too!

Noodles!!

Picture iMpefect

Aren't you suppose to save that face until after you get married.

Isn't there like a age minimum?

Due to the IV bagin the background I take it you'll be free soon.

It's not easy being green.

Feeling a little blue today?

Services Wanted

((Not truly a dating request, but too funny to pass up. Also not the picture.))

I bought this IKEA table and i can’t assemble it. Come over and put it together for me and I’ll masturbate while you do it. With a dildo. And I will serve you unlimited iced tea. I’m 37 and not amazing looking but totally serviceable.

The Good, the Bad, and the Crazy

This is bad: I'm 25 and divorced twice (technically once, the second marriage was annulled) But this is good: You can ask my friends and familoy, neither of these break ups were my fault. I have no children and I've been through a hell of alot more than most my age, which has made me into the good and caring person I am today.

This is bad: I have major abandonment issues. Therefore, if my man starts acting cold or doesn't call me when he promised he would, I will be paranoid and wonder if it's becuase he doesn't like me anymore. At least for the first few months. This is good: When I do finally reach the point where I stop being afraid, I can be a girlfriend from the gods. I love doing wonderful little surprises and making my man smile.

This is bad: I will get moody and jealous if your ex girlfriend calls you. This is good: I will always give the same faithfulness and trustworthyness to my man that I expect from him. A relationship is NOTHING without trust.

This is bad: I will give my man the silent treatment if I'm angry with him. This is good: I will never yell at my man in public or put on an episode of Jerry Springer at his work becuase I'm upset with him.

This is bad: I don't really feel like this is my life. It's not the story I was supposed to have, the one that's in my heart. This is good: I'm not so damaged that I'm not willing to keep trying.

This is bad: I'm not really looking for a serious relationship. Just a "we will see" friend. This is good: I'm not really looking for a serious relationship. Just a "we will see" friend.

This is bad: This posting may have made me out to be a real psychotic bitch. This is good: At least I will never have to hide who I am or my insecurities. That would be nice for a change.

Picture iMperfect

The kitchen floor isn't the sexiest place in the house.

I guess this is what you do when you don't know how to date label your picture.

While Gucci shoes might swoon the women, they do nothing for the guys.

Stating you're an ex lingerie model is probably not going to get you the attention you want.

Your mastery of Photoshop makes me hot.

Say What?

hey, whats good? am a young atrractive lady, who is very down to earth, loving and caring person who thinks that loyalty and honesty r important things in everyday life.people has let me down too many times in realationships so am not lookin pro`s of playin girls around. yea am seeking sum of that thug passion too, wit a little spark in d eye. looking for a independent man, who can hold it down for me. and doesent be afraid to take jump offs too.if u are looking for a lady who is down to ride for better or for worse am the one u r looking for. the reason why i dont have pic at my profile is that am a bit camera shy, but i dont favor a cookie monster well if u think u r the man am looking for hit me up with a line,am all ears. p.s. u must b also very sexual person,cos i like to spend much time under covers(though,first i have to find the right person),and am good at what am doing so prepare. so drop me a line and get to meet me in person ha,ha. well , till then`arivederdci! yours truly. ND GUYS: AM MORE THAN A DIME,BUT HARD TO HANDLE, IF U THINK U CAN ,HOLLA AT YA GIRL! PEACE ND LUV

Picture iMperfect

It's a bit forward, but does up the ante.

And this is a good thing why?

I have a husband, son, and now I just need something on the side.

Don't go artistic. It's just plain weird.

That's right. Show how happy you are with dating.

Picture iMperfect

Doesn't want to be recognized.

I always wear my sunglasses inside.

The mysterious man hands. Creepy.

Oh yeah this is romantic which ever one you are.

Wasn't this a movie poster?

Way too much info

{Yes this is the actual picture}

About Me
My name is Liz. I run away from my problems.I eat my feelings, luckily my emotions always taste good. I stray far from home; I keep a wardrobe in my car.I refuse to wear pants, skirts, or shorts. I stick to leggings.I'm extremely flexible. I wish I was a contortionist. But, I'm too much of a chub for that. I'm happy with my size, because it is paired with a great pair of knockers.I went to culinary school, but now I'd like to own a sex shop.I'll never return phone calls. I hate the phone that much.I have a hard time writing people back on here. As a vegetarian, I'm gassy. Be prepared.I am not a member of PETA.I generally will only rent from Family Video: Tarantino, porn, or children's movies.I do not have kids. I support pro-choice.Now, with that said. I like music a lot. Mostly I enjoy metal, but I also listen to alternative and classic rock.I love to read Burgess, Burroughs, and Orwell. I will never put down a good book, I finish it even if it takes me through hours of reading.Movies you say? Directors, I say. Tarantino, Miike, Kubrick, Cronenberg,and Rodriguez