After too many trips to Home Depot and Lowe's it has become apparent to me that I need a husband. I am currently accepting applications. Suitable candidates should be able to demonstrate proof of the following:
- ability to fix stuff around the house, car repair a major plus - can lift heavy objects without complaining - can offer an opinion on home decorations (but not too vociferously should they differ from my own) - ability to get lid off tough jars/cans of paint/other packaging - ability to carry stuff for me where necessary - high boredom threshold re. multiple trips to Lowe's and Home Depot - high performing "man parts" Ability to carry out minor plumbing and electrical projects, hold a conversation on a variety of topics, some level of social skills, emotional maturity, creativity, interest in culture/politics etc and financial solvency are a plus but not essential. Well, on that last point... I do want a boob job and can't really afford one. Bonus points for: ownership of power tools (and knowledge of how to use them) and suitable transport for necessary purchases.
What you will get is a wife who fits the following description:
- brown hair and eyes, average height, curvy figure - no kids, no drama - relatively intelligent/interesting/attractive - considered to have a somewhat dry sense of humor - raised in the south and has good southern manners - can take me to meet your mom/boss/friends without embarrassment - loves sex and will put you to the test to keep up with her
Please send applications including full relationship history, previous 'fixing stuff' experience, salary details, your social security number, your mother’s maiden name, full medical history, five references, your inside leg measurement and shoe size to the CL email address above. Preliminary interviews will be held in the coming weeks and may include a practical exercise. Previous applicants need not apply.
Thursday, March 19, 2009