The Headliner

• Ashes to ashes; dust to dust; Life is short, so party we must.


• Sensi the night dragon drifted through the sky, her beautiful fragrance charmed those in her wake.


• Turtles are green.


• No, no, no, see-- the pig was on fire WHILE I was chasing it.


• Shake it like a salt shaker.


• Good morning, good afternoon, and if I don’t see you, good night.


• There are 10 pins in my heart....care to go for a strike?


• 2% and I don’t mean milk.


• I’ve got a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.


• If only a closed mind came with a closed mouth.


• Sherlock aint got nothing on me!


• You can’t make me put anything here.


• I never grow older cause I drink from waterfalls.


• Never thought I’d have an admirer from overseas, but somebody’s sending me stationary filled with chimpanzees.


• eenie, meenie, miney, moe; catch this woman by her toe.


• I want Mr. Sensitivity since Mr. Right doesn’t exist!


• Where is my plastic surgeon?


• Did you know that 1 in 12 kids gets their head stuck in a bucket?


• My prince took the wrong turn, got lost, and was too damn stubborn to ask for directions.

Top 10 Headlines

These are actually funny. I need to collect the horrible ones one day.

10) Feel free to interact with me. All my shots are current!
9) You must be over 5’10” to read this profile.
8) I bathe every day!
7) Is this thing like eBay?
6) Shopping for Guys – And They Said There Was No Such Store!
5) Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until they speak?
4) I'm like poop. The older I get the easier I am to pick up!
3) Coffee, Chocolate, and Men - some things are just better rich.
2) I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.
1) Willing to lie about how we met!

T-Rex Love Affair

I am a very career-focused, attractive, 5'9, 120lb woman who is seeking a man who is willing to fulfill my ultimate sexual fantasy. I am an executive with a very successful corporation that keeps me very busy and I sometimes have difficulty finding men who share similar interests to my own in the bedroom.

Nothing turns me on more then Jurassic Park themed role play. You must be the animatronic dinosaur, and I must be the helpless child (Tim or Lex) stuck in the park at your mercy. You will growl mechanically into my ear and stare threateningly. I will feign panic and search for the flash light in the back seat of the visitor jeep. You will sniff at the window slowly and then release a robotic roar into the night air. I scream for Alan Grant, but your over sized robot jaws come crashing down through the overhead window, pinning me to the floor. I cannot stress this enough however, you must play as a ROBOTIC dinosaur. This is very specific, my interest lie entirely in animatronic dinosaurs, not real ones.

I thought I should mention this as there have been unfortunate miscommunications in the past, leading to performances that have left me without an orgasm. Other situations could include you being the dilophasaurus and spitting in my face and then going for my jugular. Or you could be the ill and moaning triceratops, and I would be Ellie Sadler, digging through your stool to find the source of the ailment. More or less any scene from the film involving a mechanical dinosaur interacting with a human will do fine.

I don't like wasting my time, so make sure you do your homework and watch the film and make sure you can fully embrace the mindset of an animatronic dinosaur. I am an incredibly sexual person and I would make it a blockbuster night that you would never forget.

My Boyfriend Application Tests

First, a little about me. I'm a 20-year-old good looking blonde attending University. I'm tired of wasting my time, so I have formulated some mandatory criteria in part A and part B is based on points.

Part A
1) You must be born male. Sorry, no trannies, I'll need to see a birth certificate.
2) You must own something to wear to a formal reception.
3) You must not own or ever wear birkenstocks, crocs footwear or randy river jeans.
4) All your parts need to be in good working order, further testing will need to be conducted of course.
5) I can't accept a regular drug user. Despite BC culture, I am including weed.
6) You must own at least four collared dress shirts. You need to look presentable standing next to me.
7) Your height must be proportional to your weight using the standard AMA guidelines.
8) You have to have lived in Victoria for at least two consecutive years.
9) You must have a photo which was taken in the last 3 months.
10) English must be your first language. Sorry, I'm not a part-time ESL teacher.

If you meet all of the requirements above then you may continue, if not, then you are now dismissed but thank you for applying to be my boyfriend.

Now: give yourself two points for each of the following criteria you meet Part B

1) You have (or are working on) a post secondary degree.
2) You own a car and have a valid driver's license. Suspended for DUIs: minus 10 points.
3) You've never worn Ed Hardy, Affliction or any other Christian Audigier affiliated brand.
4) You follow at least one professional sport.
5) You have skills in bed. Not because you think you do, because your past experiences have told you.
6) You are not a born again Christian, Jehovah's Witness or any other kind of religious fanatic.
7) You have been to at least three countries outside of North America.
8) You don't need to call a handy man if something breaks around the house.
9) You know how to cook a meal for two.
10) You like stepping out of your bubble and trying new things like cuisine or bungee jumping. 11) You can make it through a romantic comedy without complaining (we don't have to tell your friends).
12) You have a great sense of humour. Are people laughing with you, or at you?
13) You can plan a good date without any help or advice from me. "I don't know, what do you want to do" isn't an answer.
14) You work out and enjoy being physically active. I hit the gym regularly, you should too.
15) You have a job that requires more than a high school diploma.
16) You ride a motorcycle. I love to go riding.
17) You have a 5 year goal.
18) You aren't afraid of being yourself, even if you have a dorky side.
19) You're competitive, and I don't mean you like to battle it out with your WoW buddies on the weekends.
20) You know how to dance.

If you have a score of 30+ then please contact me immediately. If you scored between 20-30 pts, you can contact me, but I don't have a lot of hope for our future relationship. If you did not score high enough, then please do not contact me, but if at some time in the future you are able to improve yourself and meet the minimum requirements, then you may re-apply.

You MUST respond with your age (this is a creeper free zone, 20-26 year olds only please) and your picture.

I thank you in advance for your application, however, only successful candidates will receive a response.

Just Average

Keep your supersized genitalia, washboard abs and hyperactive stamina away. Don't even send me a pic of your penis.

I'm a pretty enough woman, a little extra padding now bikini season is over. I'm not waxed like a barbie doll or some deep throating goddess so move on if that's what you're looking for.

Let's just do it like an old married couple alright (however if you're married or in a committed relationship of any sort, don't bother me. If you've ever experimented with men, I'm also not interested).

I lie there maybe watch the tube. You stick it in, suck my nipples and get your rocks off. Then we both fall asleep without talking and maybe do it again in the morning... maybe. Could be a regular thing.

If this interests you and you're between the ages of 35-50, send me a message that doesn't make you seem like some sex crazed horndog, brain damaged, or both.

Picture iMperfect

Andy Warhol tribute profile.

Wow look at the size of those tires on her.

I hope she's as beautiful as this scene.

As long as you know.

This is just wrong for a dating profile. The son's hand is freaking me out!

Picture iMperfect

Just so you know I'm armed and dangerous.

It's a 2 for 1 profile. Save time and go out with 2 girls at once.

The discounted 2 for 1 profile.