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Fellow Daters

Saturday, January 30, 2010

I Mean, DAMN

On a first date:
I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.

In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)

I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.

I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".

I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.

I may call you the following day. I may not.

On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding).

We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke. I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.

Yes, I just typed all of that.

Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...
YOU MUST BE
of the caucasian persuasion
funny
loquacious
driven
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
under 38
over 23
not a baby-daddy
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
sarcastic
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work. this implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.

I AM...
Over one-night stands.
Very comfortable in my skin.
Unafraid.
Equally unashamed.
Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.
Able to say "no" and scream "yes".
Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty

TOGETHER, WE WILL
bowl
play trivia
act like raging dickheads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
fornicate regularly
discuss books
drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will.
Often laugh at others and harder at ourselves
one-up eachother
WE WILL NOT involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.
yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
be dishonest
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration

Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at...

I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond

I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out.

I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height.

I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.

Bring your A-game, bitches.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Seeking Eunuch

I have been in the pornographic films industry for several years and I'm so sick and tired of dicks I can hardly stand it! If you have no genitals or are willing to have them removed then you may be the man for me. I do not like and absolutely refuse to take part in any of the following:
blowjobs
rimjobs
footjobs
buttjobs
vaginajobs
dirty sanchez
blumpkins
strawberry shortcake
flaming dragon
Houdini
donkey punch
cincinati bowtie
gasmask
hot lunch
golden showers
cleaveland steamer
the Paul Rubins
gramma sophie's curtains
the Pittsburg landfill
I'm a mac and I'm a pc
how to lose a guy in ten gays or any other sexual act of any kind.

If this sounds like your idea of a good time then get in touch. serious inquiries only. No weirdos please.

Teach Me How to Kiss

I need a guy to teach me how to kiss. Ideally, it shouldn't last longer than five minutes, seeing as how most guys creep me the fuck out. I'll give you five dollars, so it'll be like earning a dollar a minute. Think about it, there's a recession going on. Who wouldn't want five dollars in times like these? If money doesn't appeal to you, I'd be more than happy to do your homework for you (I'm Asian).

I prefer a guy who doesn't have bad breath, open sores, or a mental disorder. Also, it'd be nice if you're not a geriatric (30+ yrs) or jailbait (-18 yrs).

Just a warning, there's a strong possibility that I may run away mid-kiss.

Please don't take offense, and you can keep the five dollars. Please respond with a picture, I want to make sure you don't have any lesions or swollen lymph nodes.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Be My John Roberts

You're cordial to me when we see each other around school or at the bars, but I'm looking for more than a "hello" and a smile these days. I need a little something to relieve some stress during exams. Be my Chief Justice and grant cert to this appeal (for hot, hot loving).

You: Mid twenties, sort of messy parted brownish hair, dressed like a grownup frat boy, slightly nerdy (but hey, it's law school, I'm a sucker for bad jokes and watching Jeopardy before/after/during sex. "I'll take consent for $800 Alex.").

Me: Same general age. If looks were grades, I'd probably be summering at a decent firm. Maybe not Wachtell, but certainly not DUI defense in Detroit either. I have a laptop, drink from a reusable water bottle, and sometimes wear Uggs to school when I'm studying.

If you feel the same way (and want to join me for some Rule 19 Joinder of Parties), go to Phyllis's desk and ask if she knows where to find a good hornbook. She'll give you all the information you need.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Need to get pregnant fast by clean educated man

Looking for a light skinned man to get me pregnant this coming weekend or early next week. You will need light brown blonde or red hair.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for months now and my doctor says I'm fine so it must be him -- it would kill him not to have kids.

Be drug and disease free.I

figure we can try a couple of times while I'm visiting this week and hopefully I will be pregnant for my flight back home.

Send a couple of pictures of yourself, especially nude pics--can't do this if I'm not attracted to you. And tell me a bit about yourself.