Teach Me How to Kiss

I need a guy to teach me how to kiss. Ideally, it shouldn't last longer than five minutes, seeing as how most guys creep me the fuck out. I'll give you five dollars, so it'll be like earning a dollar a minute. Think about it, there's a recession going on. Who wouldn't want five dollars in times like these? If money doesn't appeal to you, I'd be more than happy to do your homework for you (I'm Asian).

I prefer a guy who doesn't have bad breath, open sores, or a mental disorder. Also, it'd be nice if you're not a geriatric (30+ yrs) or jailbait (-18 yrs).

Just a warning, there's a strong possibility that I may run away mid-kiss.

Please don't take offense, and you can keep the five dollars. Please respond with a picture, I want to make sure you don't have any lesions or swollen lymph nodes.