The Best/Worse of Profile Names

Your profile name is like a brand name. It will sell you or sink you real fast.

1. Neverfaithful – well you get 10 out of 10 for honesty but I bet you don’t get many dates.

2. Loveonly4you – and the other 30 women you contacted today. Sorry overly slushy is not attractive.

3. ManiacKiller – hey let’s meet soon, somewhere dark and devoid of witnesses!!

4. Boredofdating – well if you are bored of dating then why are you on a dating site? That just screams I want a husband and I want one now.

5. I’mboring – not going to want to read the rest of your profile then am I?

6. Falsetits44 – you have to be kidding me, you want to advertise that you are 44 and just had a boob job?

7. Princesstopamper – that just screams you are going to be high maintenance and hard work.

8. Stretchmarks – okay so you have had babies and now have stretchmarks but do you think that is the first thing you should tell some about you?

Pigeon seeks researcher for Skinnerian reconditioning

Here's the deal: I'm a 23 year old girl trapped inside a relationship that ultimately amounts to the relationship between B.F. Skinner and one of his animal test subjects. No matter how much Skinner may care for his pigeon, a healthy relationship can never blossom from the current wreckage, and I need to break free from this box. You're probably wondering, if you know the relationship is so bad, and that he doesn't care about you enough to put forth the effort to make things work, why don't you just leave? The main dilemma lies here: I have been conditioned extremely well. Behavior conditioned by intermittent reinforcement is the most difficult and time consuming to extinguish. I've been in this box for about nine months with nothing to do but cultivate hopes and dreams. And there's this lever. It's gotta do something. Press... nothing.

I thought it did something. Who puts a lever in a box that doesn't do anything? Better press it again, just to make sure. Neat! Indications of affection and consideration dropped into the box. I'm pressing that lever again if I get attention for it! What the hell? This worked a second ago. Press press press press press press press press press press press... DAMN IT! This is useless. I'll just press it like one more-oh hey, is that care and affection?!

It's gotten to be quite difficult, you see. This is why I require reconditioning. Please email what leads you to believe that you are qualified to recondition me. Oh and please be prepared to utilize positive reinforcement, because I'm thinking I'm the sort of girl who derives pleasure from punishment.

Bizarre London Personals

Blah blah, whatever. Indifferent woman. Go ahead and write. Box no. 3253. Like I care.

Your stars for today: A pretty Cancerian, 35, will cook you a lovely meal, caress your hair softly, then squeeze every damn penny from your adulterous bank account before slashing the tyres of your Beamer. Let that serve as a warning. Now then, risotto?

Attention male London Review of Books readers: 'Greetings, earthling -- I have come to infest your puny body with legions of my spawn' is no way to begin a reply. Female, 36 -- suspicious of any men declaring themselves to be in possession of a 'great sense of humor.'

I'm just a girl who can't say 'no' (or 'anaesthetist'). Lisping Rodgers and Hammerstein fan, female lecturer in politics (37) WLTM man to 40 for thome enthanted eveningth.

Love is strange -- wait 'til you see my feet. F, 34, wide-fitting Scholl's.

Women Seeking Men

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.

SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.

Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.

Lonely Woman in Need of Help. Seriously!!!

I am so lonely. I need a nice gentleman to help me. I am an older widow. My husband, George, may he rest his soul, died an untimely death 20 years ago of heart failure. Ever since then I have been alone, never drinking from the wonderful pool of sexual intimacy since those dark days of grieving and despair. I sank into a dark depression after George’s death, wearing black, painting my face kabuki white, with bright red lipstick. I so loved George that I always wanted him with me although I knew he could never be with me ever again. I had kept Monsieur Rouge, my cat, and Monsieur Passer au Crible, my beloved Pomeranian, with me by having them freeze dried and stuffed, forever gazing out over the city their paws loved to travel. It became my decision to have George preserved, to be always smiling at me from the chair he so loved to sit in when we shared tea. We still share our tea today; it is wonderful to see him everyday, locked into a smile with that ever-pensive look that so attracted me to him when we first met atop the Eiffel Tower.

Last summer, a rodent infiltrated my apartment. One night while refilling my glass with cognac, the rodent revealed himself to me. Now I see it as sign from George or a power greater then myself. The beast scurried out of the breadbasket, down the counter, jumped onto the railing leading out of the kitchen, and disappeared into the blackness of the living room. The next morning I investigated the living room to see if I could locate the point of entry. While searching by the front windows, I decided to give my beloved companion Monsieur Passer au Crible a caress. He felt soft, and his skin did not present the usual amount of resistance, I had grown so used to over the years. He felt hollow, and echoed when rapped upon by my wedding ring. I picked him up, and noticed his well-gnawed and tattered sphincter. It appeared that the beast had taken refuge in Monsieur Passer au Crible, gaining entrance by severing the strings that for 25 years had held his dehydrated sphincter shut, in an immortal puckered wink. I discovered that Monsieur Rouge had befallen the same fate. George, oh my sweet, could it be that like Goldie Locks testing the porridge, this best was looking for the perfect habitué? I rushed to George and carried him to the bedroom, as he did on our wedding night. The back of his pants showed the telltale signs of entry. But what is this, I could hear something moving about in George? I stripped George down to he nakedness and discovered that his penis and testicles had been either consumed by the beast or carried away and fashioned into a nest. I gave George’s stomach a push and felt something move under the pressure, muscular and strong, nerves alive. At that moment the beast came bounding out of George’s gaping groin with what appeared to be my beloveds penis betwixt he teeth, like a bull through the gates in Pamplona: scared, hungry, alone like me. He ran and leapt out the window onto a tree branch, and I have never seen him again, but the message was not lost on me.

That night I found myself on my knees before my husband with a nail file, plucking the stuffing out of him through the hole in his groin. Like the men I was so fascinated with as a young woman who Escaped From Alcatraz by chipping the besotted concrete from around the ventilation grates, I worked hollowing out my George, disposing of the innards down the garbage disposal. I installed a zipper on the torso, quick release Velcro on the legs and arms, thimbles in the tips of his fingers, and attached snaps to the front and back flaps of skin on his head so that George can come back to me.

I am looking for a gentle man who will be willing to wear this and have tea with me then carry me to the bedroom and make sweet love to me like Gorge did over 30 years ago on our wedding night. I have left the original tattered hole fashioned by the beast, so it will be your penis that enters me. I would also love to have you sit on the edge of the bed with a glass of cognac resting on your left knee and allow me to service you like I did George. Mixing - the smell of the cognac and the taste of you in my mouth will return me back to those few years I had with my beloved George. Afterwards I will bath you, make you a plate of bacon, tomatoes, and a side of half a head of lettuce with homemade buttermilk ranch dressing, just as I did for George. Please have some pity on a lovely older lady, and help he begin to rebuild her life and sanity? If this interests you, please send me your measurements so that I might determine a suitable fit.

Bat Girl Seeks Hot Male Animal for Extensive Necking Session

I love to make out. In fact, I like to neck and kiss so much I sometimes fancy I should have been born a blood-sucking bat instead of the female I am now. At the very least, if I were a bat, I could jab and peck at your precious muscular neck and you wouldn't think anything of it. You'd just think you stepped into some unkept barn, or some forgotten cave, and were attacked by some nocturnal creature. You see, that's how I am.

If you're really HOT like I think you're going to be, then I just can't help myself but lunge for your neck and dig my big fat ligs deep into your fresh young throat. In the end, you'd learn to like it. Doubtful, that I'd draw any blood though. In fact, the taste of blood makes me feel queasy. And if I were ever to get that carried away I'd vomit up pea soup, as that's what I had for lunch today - non-vegetarian pea soup, of course.

Call me passionate, impassioned, lustful. But above all, don't call me crazy. This is a SERIOUS request for a young specimen who considers himself "HOT"!

Do you have elf ears or resemble Tom Hanks?

then you should join the circus.I am looking for an easy going guy. if you like surfing or the beach, then you can piss off. i hate the beach. i would much rather be at the desert or hiking in the sierras.

do you like art, staying in your awesome apartment or seeing a show downtown? then go to hell. i love going to shitty bars and having a mess of a good time in the weirdest situations.

do you have lots of friends that are women? then I will stab them in the heart because i am the only woman rocking your tiny world.do you enjoy making your own decisions and having free will? well thats too damn bad.

do you like to play with fire, drink beer, eat pizza, go hiking, ride motorcycles, go fishing, snowboard, go to places uninvited, litter, ignore dishes in the sink, and call in sick 4/5 days of the workweek? then you and i need to do it.

Necrophiliac seeking Corpse

Seeking a tall, well-muscled insomniac to indulge a very particular fantasy. I would like to see you lie motionless on a green-and-cream chintz bedspread, face-up, wearing only your plaid boxer shorts, with your arms crossed on your chest like a corpse at an open-casket funeral. You will sleep like a cat, and I will watch you, ignore you, go out for a coffee, or possibly photograph you with my BlackBerry. When you awaken, we will watch low-quality American television and eat coconut sorbet. Snorers, sheet-stealers, seafood-eaters and those with a post-CEGEP education need not apply.

Say What?

A peculiar idea: - 21

LOCATION: Manhattan

I am recently out of a blooming relationship that ended abruptly due to his heroin abuse and refusal to allow me to help him stop doing drugs.

I am a very nurturing young woman, attractive, thoughtful, tender and warm, and after a failed attempt at protecting a man from himself I desire somebody to soothe.

You don't have to be disturbed, just enjoy being taken care of. The more frail you are, the better, I am not dominating or violent, I don't want your money, and I don't want to have sex with you.

I am looking for a quiet, gentle involvement with somebody who I can provide comfort and tenderness for. Creative minds are particularly sought.

If this sounds like something you are interested in, please respond with a bit about yourself, your ideas and interests, and a photo. I will reply with mine.

Isn't This How They Catch Pedophiles?

Do you like much younger women?

LOCATION: Los Angeles

Do you find yourself attracted to your daughter's friends, or the girls that she goes to school with? Ever wish you could approach a much younger 18-22 year old girl and see if there might be chemistry? Well I am opposite side, noticing the older men/father figures who seem to look but never say hello. I guess this is what makes craigslist so neat is that you can actually write out what you want without having to risk being embarrassed or shy. Anyway, if you are a gentlemen in the situation I described, say hello.

Is This Disturbing or is it Just Me?

fatherly lover.... - 46

LOCATION: Phoenix

Certainly there is a loving man between the ages of 46 to 55 who has the desire to provide fatherly love to a woman a way that he's perhaps only imagined until now. Together let's create the very nuturing, loving experiences we both crave. A very special understanding only we share...genuine loving replies will receive response.

Single, attractive bbw... non-smoker/drug user. Single only please.

Every Sperm is Sacred

I want to get married and have your children..all 20 of them! - 33

LOCATION: Virginia

I'm just being honest...and I am very serious. Look are secondary for me. I am looking for a man with a big heart who loves his job/ careen and ready to stop messing around. If you are a man who waorks hard, is a Christian, and who is tired being alone, contact me. I am a kind hearted woman who has "Quiverfull" beliefs. I have 2 children from my previous marriage and I want as many as God sees fit to bless me with. I work now, but want you to be the kind guidance and head of of the household. I am old fashioned and love a man who is the same. I have opinions and you must be willing to take them seriously and respect my needs and desires as a human being and child of God. I love to have fun. I have a degree in marketing, I am always doing something new and am very active. I can have fun doing just about anything. I am an instigator in dull situations and seem to always have some off-the-wall funny thing to say. I love playing with my children and doing things with them and long for the complete family life. I am missing one thing: You If you're out there. Email me so we can get this show on the road.

A Girl Looking to Work

"BLACK PIMP WANTED ASAP"!!!

LOCATION: Miami

Ok. I am a hot ass bitch.Petite blonde hair blue eyed drop dead gorgeous and i wanna be your bottom bitch.Right now I have a outta state pimp whom Im leavin.I can make you alot of doh.I am drug free.U B 2. You must be a fine ass pimp with class and nice teeth and you have to have it goin on ALREADY.I am a choosy bitch because i know what im worth.No old ass Pimp eaither,not older then 40.I need for you to do the following to qualify: watch my back,tell me some shit i dont already know.Geek me up 2 get your bread.rape me periodically,buy me clothes and pamper me,beat me with a Mississippi switch when i dont have your money right,have dro on hand for me and Remy XO for when I get stressed out.You must have a tight crib already laid out for me when I come over.I will be your everything and you will learn to love your BOTTOM BITCH. I am serious.Dont apply if you dont qualify. Tootaloo***

Norman is That You?

Lonely woman in search of help

LOCATION: San Francisco

I am so lonely. I need a nice gentleman to help me. I am an older widow. My husband, George, may he rest his soul, died an untimely death 20 years ago of heart failure. Ever since then I have been alone, never drinking from the wonderful pool of sexual intimacy since those dark days of grieving and despair. I sank into a dark depression after George’s death, wearing black, painting my face kabuki white, with bright red lipstick. I so loved George that I always wanted him with me although I knew he could never be with me ever again. I had kept Monsieur Rouge, my cat, and Monsieur Passer au Crible, my beloved Pomeranian, with me by having them freeze dried and stuffed, forever gazing out over the city their paws loved to travel. It became my decision to have George preserved, to be always smiling at me from the chair he so loved to sit in when we shared tea. We still share our tea today; it is wonderful to see him everyday, locked into a smile with that ever-pensive look that so attracted me to him when we first met atop the Eiffel Tower. Last summer, a rodent infiltrated my apartment. One night while refilling my glass with cognac, the rodent revealed himself to me. Now I see it as sign from George or a power greater then myself. The beast scurried out of the breadbasket, down the counter, jumped onto the railing leading out of the kitchen, and disappeared into the blackness of the living room. The next morning I investigated the living room to see if I could locate the point of entry. While searching by the front windows, I decided to give my beloved companion Monsieur Passer au Crible a caress. He felt soft, and his skin did not present the usual amount of resistance, I had grown so used to over the years. He felt hollow, and echoed when rapped upon by my wedding ring. I picked him up, and noticed his well-gnawed and tattered sphincter. It appeared that the beast had taken refuge in Monsieur Passer au Crible, gaining entrance by severing the strings that for 25 years had held his dehydrated sphincter shut, in an immortal puckered wink. I discovered that Monsieur Rouge had befallen the same fate. George, oh my sweet, could it be that like Goldie Locks testing the porridge, this best was looking for the perfect habitué? I rushed to George and carried him to the bedroom, as he did on our wedding night. The back of his pants showed the telltale signs of entry. But what is this, I could hear something moving about in George? I stripped George down to he nakedness and discovered that his penis and testicles had been either consumed by the beast or carried away and fashioned into a nest. I gave George’s stomach a push and felt something move under the pressure, muscular and strong, nerves alive. At that moment the beast came bounding out of George’s gaping groin with what appeared to be my beloveds penis betwixt he teeth, like a bull through the gates in Pamplona: scared, hungry, alone like me. He ran and leapt out the window onto a tree branch, and I have never seen him again, but the message was not lost on me. That night I found myself on my knees before my husband with a nail file, plucking the stuffing out of him through the hole in his groin. Like the men I was so fascinated with as a young woman who Escaped From Alcatraz by chipping the besotted concrete from around the ventilation grates, I worked hollowing out my George, disposing of the innards down the garbage disposal. I installed a zipper on the torso, quick release Velcro on the legs and arms, thimbles in the tips of his fingers, and attached snaps to the front and back flaps of skin on his head so that George can come back to me. I am looking for a gentle man who will be willing to wear this and have tea with me then carry me to the bedroom and make sweet love to me like Gorge did over 30 years ago on our wedding night. I have left the original tattered hole fashioned by the beast, so it will be your penis that enters me. I would also love to have you sit on the edge of the bed with a glass of cognac resting on your left knee and allow me to service you like I did George. Mixing - the smell of the cognac and the taste of you in my mouth will return me back to those few years I had with my beloved George. Afterwards I will bath you, make you a plate of bacon, tomatoes, and a side of half a head of lettuce with homemade buttermilk ranch dressing, just as I did for George. Please have some pity on a lovely older lady, and help he begin to rebuild her life and sanity? If this interests you, please send me your measurements so that I might determine a suitable fit.

Takes All Kinds

Seeking total forced sex

LOCATION: Boston

Looking for a man between the ages of 38 and 42. Preferably over 6'1 tall, no less than 180lbs, no more than 192lbs.

Must have blue eyes and blonde hair, light brown hair will be considered but it better be fucking LIGHT BROWN, not dark brown from your Sicilian mom and Greek dad. Preferably a high and tight, ex military welcome.

Must be able to climb to second floor terrance without a tree or gutter for assistance. Must drive to my home, I will not travel to your home. You must have a quiet running car, no clunkers that the neighbors will call the police about.

You must be circumsized. You must bring your own rope or handcuffs, no flexi-strips for tying me up, they hurt too much. You must not be allergic to cats or rabbits, I don't want to listen to you sneeze the whole time. You must be able to listen to Nine Inch Nails during the act, no requesting Elton fucking John or some shit. If you can't get it up for "Hurt" don't bother. You must be strong, I don't want to be able to get away, waste of my time.

OK here are the most important rules:
You must not, under any circumstances stop fucking me, not even for a minute. If I yell, "Stop, please don't hurt me, please, Ill do anything." You must remember that that means go really fast.
"Please be gentle." Means call me bitch.
"You are hurting me." means....... what? OK if you forgot that that means go really fast just stop reading now.
You must not remove any food from my home. Last time I set this up the guy took my last Coors Light and a whole box of Yankee Doodles...please, those are my favorite.
Please don't ask me if you can come back for a second "date". The answer is no, and no really means no this time.

Please don't talk to me about any of the following: Weather, Art, Music, Current Events, W, Mitt Romney, Ted Kennedy or any of the hybrid cars, I don't care. No watching television while fucking me.

Specifics: I will be exiting my shower at 9:45 thursday night, Id like you waiting in the closet already wearing a condom. Also, please bring a light blue or similarly colored towel to fuck me on, I have white carpetting and I would like to keep it that way. Please do not touch my hair, I don't like anyone to tug my ponytail or mess up my hair, its my thing. Please wear Stetson Cologne, no expensive shit, I won't be able to get off with CK 1 for men.

Please be able to walk and chew gum at the same time. I want a man who can multi-task and maybe fist me while cumming in my mouth. You must bring a sharp object to hold against my throat but do not leave any marks!

PLEASE brush your teeth before seeing me, and use ACT 1 mouthwash. NO tatoos, please. NO facial hair. NO longer than 20 minutes please, I have someone else lined up for 10:30 and I need to take another shower. Anything else is negotiable except my ass.

Please respond by 3pm this afternoon.