10 Commandments of Profile Photos

1) Thou shalt not post a photo taken more than 2 years or 20 lbs ago.

2) Thou shalt not post a photo of you with your arm draped around your ex.

3) Thou shalt not post a photo taken in a three-minute photo booth

4) Thou shalt not post a photo with someone’s face blacked out or someone’s body cut out of the picture.

5) Thou shalt not post a photo where you are not smiling.

6) Thou shalt not post a photo where all of your friends are more attractive than you.

7) Thou shalt not post a group photo where a casual viewer can’t figure out which person you are.

8) Thou shalt not post a photo taken by a webcam.

9) Thou shalt not post a photo that shows too much skin.

10) Thou shalt not post a photo of Angelina Jolie.

Wacky Sites for Women

WomenBehindBars.com and Inmate.com

Tagline: None for either.

Clientele: Well, we know who the inmates are. But we can't imagine who'd want to write to them, aside from other inmates. You could just become pen pals, or you might find love. WomenBehindBars, for example, claims to have fostered 38 marriages in its 12-year existence. Special features: Most of the ads include the prisoner's release date, so you can make long-term plans, but neither site provides the details of each conviction. Inmate.com also features original convict art and writing, such as "The Continuing Saga of Icicle Bill and Tommy Two-Head," a buddy crime saga.

MyFreeImplants.com

Tagline: None.

Clientele: Women who want breast augmentation, and men who want to help them. Basically, the women accrue money for surgery by chatting with the male clients.

Special features: Plenty of chatting, and for guys willing to pay, customized photos and videos of the girls (provided they agree to the requested poses/outfits/settings). Also, a contest in which a lucky woman can win a free boob job!

Just a little more head

Here are some more strange headlines.

• I will judge you on how well you parallel park.


• Drinking coffee out of plastic makes you impotent.


• I’d date me if I could!


• Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again.


• Do we go on 3 or is it 1, 2, 3, then go?


• Don’t be a mushroom. I hate mushrooms.


• Only boring people get bored. Bored yet?


• If I could rearrange the alphabet, “I” would be at the top.


• Beauty Fades. Dumb is Forever.


• I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!


• It says, 'I Choo-choo-choose You,' and there's a picture of a train!


• Life is like a can of corn...


• Fuzzy inside out


• Did you buy that at the dollar store?


• Just because you put wheels on my grandmother, does not make her a bus.


• I feel you dancing in my chest!


• Looking for the female version of yourself?


• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The Headliner

• Ashes to ashes; dust to dust; Life is short, so party we must.


• Sensi the night dragon drifted through the sky, her beautiful fragrance charmed those in her wake.


• Turtles are green.


• No, no, no, see-- the pig was on fire WHILE I was chasing it.


• Shake it like a salt shaker.


• Good morning, good afternoon, and if I don’t see you, good night.


• There are 10 pins in my heart....care to go for a strike?


• 2% and I don’t mean milk.


• I’ve got a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.


• If only a closed mind came with a closed mouth.


• Sherlock aint got nothing on me!


• You can’t make me put anything here.


• I never grow older cause I drink from waterfalls.


• Never thought I’d have an admirer from overseas, but somebody’s sending me stationary filled with chimpanzees.


• eenie, meenie, miney, moe; catch this woman by her toe.


• I want Mr. Sensitivity since Mr. Right doesn’t exist!


• Where is my plastic surgeon?


• Did you know that 1 in 12 kids gets their head stuck in a bucket?


• My prince took the wrong turn, got lost, and was too damn stubborn to ask for directions.

Top 10 Headlines

These are actually funny. I need to collect the horrible ones one day.

10) Feel free to interact with me. All my shots are current!
9) You must be over 5’10” to read this profile.
8) I bathe every day!
7) Is this thing like eBay?
6) Shopping for Guys – And They Said There Was No Such Store!
5) Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until they speak?
4) I'm like poop. The older I get the easier I am to pick up!
3) Coffee, Chocolate, and Men - some things are just better rich.
2) I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.
1) Willing to lie about how we met!

Top 10 Most Direct Subject Headers

10) Please be local, fit, over 40, and have a posted picture.

9) Pick Me! Pick Me!

8) So, you wanna make out?

7) Romantic men seem to be extinct. If you're extinct, contact me now.

6) Guys who just want sex need not apply.

5) Looking for a summer fling.

4) No picture, no response!

3) Really not interested in a guy who's old enough to be my father.

2) Just because I don't have a picture doesn't mean I'm not good looking!

and the number one most direct profile subject header....

1) I need a husband!

Usernames

A dating profile username is basically the same as a product brand name. Dating profiles should be enticing, making people want to click through and find out more about you but some usernames can have the opposite effect.

Would you buy a chocolate bar called ‘vomit’ or a car called ‘breaksdownalot’? I doubt it, so why would anyone think people would be attracted by these real dating profile usernames:

1. Neverfaithful – well you get 10 out of 10 for honesty but I bet you don’t get many dates.

2. ManiacKiller – hey let’s meet soon, somewhere dark and devoid of witnesses!!

3. Boredofdating – well if you are bored of dating then why are you on a dating site? That just screams I want a husband and I want one now.

4. I’mboring – not going to want to read the rest of your profile then am I?

5. Falsetits44 – you have to be kidding me, you want to advertise that you are 44 and just had a boob job?

6. Princesstopamper – that just screams you are going to be high maintenance and hard work.

7. Stretchmarks – okay so you have had babies and now have stretchmarks but do you think that is the first thing you should tell some about you?

Women's Personal Ads Deciphered

• 40-ish...Really means...48
• Athletic...Really means...Flat-chested.
• Average looking...Really means...Ugly.
• Beautiful...Really means...Pathological liar.
• Educated...Really means...College dropout.
• Emotionally Secure...Really means...Medicated.
• Feminist...Really means...Fat; ball buster.
• Free spirit...Really means...Drug user.
• Friendship first...Really means...Trying to live down reputation as sl*t.
• Fun...Really means...Annoying.
• Good Listener...Really means...Borderline Autistic.
• New-Age...Really means...All body hair, all the time.
• Old-fashioned...Really means...Lights out, missionary position only.
• Open-minded...Really means...Desperate.
• Outgoing...Really means...Loud.
• Poet...Really means...Depressive Schizophrenic.
• Professional...Really means...Real Witch.
• Redhead...Really means...Shops the Clairol section.
• Reubenesque...Really means...Grossly Fat.
• Romantic...Really means...Looks better by candle light.
• Weight proportional to height...Really means...Hugely Fat.
• Wants Soulmate...Really means...One step away from stalking.
• Widow...Really means...Nagged first husband to death.

And as an extra bonus….
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on there they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

Ten Commandments of Posting and Online Picture

Now I know I find all those funny and sometimes disturbing pictures so I figured I'd give it some balance. I found this at www.evanmarckatz.com


The Ten Commandments of Posting Photos
1) Thou shalt not post a photo taken more than 2 years or 20 lbs ago.
2) Thou shalt not post a photo of you with your arm draped around your ex.
3) Thou shalt not post a photo taken in a three-minute photo booth
4) Thou shalt not post a photo with someone’s face blacked out or someone’s body cut out of the picture.
5) Thou shalt not post a photo where you are not smiling.
6) Thou shalt not post a photo where all of your friends are more attractive than you.
7) Thou shalt not post a group photo where a casual viewer can’t figure out which person you are.
8) Thou shalt not post a photo taken by a webcam.
9) Thou shalt not post a photo that shows too much skin.
10) Thou shalt not post a photo of Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt.

Ain't it the Truth.

Desperately Seeking

LOCATION: Austin

I am desperately seeking a man who can spell. I think proper grammar and punctuation are hot. I want a man who knows how to diagram a sentence.

Profile Writing

In reading over profiles for myself and this blog I see a lot of things that I don’t think women are privy to. So hopefully these little tidbits will help you write a better profile.

Part 1 Profile Writing

A relationship is giving and taking. We’ve all heard that before, but how does that relate to profiles. Well when you talk about yourself you give and when you say what you want in your match that’s taking. RULE: What you want in a match shouldn’t be more than 2 sentences.

I’ve only done it once or twice on here, but let me tell you whole profiles are made on saying what the woman wants in match. You may wonder why this is a problem. Well it’s like going into a job interview and saying my name is Jane Doe. I want a 6 figure salary, corner office, full benefits, 6 weeks paid vacation, one hour massage once a week, etc all without saying anything about yourself. The people listening may let you finish so they can use it on a blog like this, but it’s not how to build a relationship.

I know for myself I’ve seen many interesting women that have nothing about them in their profile. It tells me it’s about them or at the least there is nothing for me to comment on to respond. I don’t wink and I’m not going to say I just “hi”. So your really cutting your prospects down.

On a few other notes, the first time I read “thank you for reading my profile”. I thought it was nice. After the 50th I was like WTF? Also please don’t put I’m new to this or I’m a nice person. Again if you’re the 1st its nice, but after a while it really wears thin.

If you would like a wake up call, check out what your competition of women in your area is. You’ll see that there are 3-4 different profiles out there and everyone is using them. Everyone reads the same articles and uses the same stuff. Only about 5% (at most) are actually original. So you do need to work at it to stand out of the pack.

A side note is never put a lower case “i” for “I”. It signifies that you have low self esteem. Have friends read them before you publish and be sure to spell check.

Be sure to check out Part 2.