Hunter Partnership

"SWF seeks SWM who enjoys farming, zoo keeping and serious preparation for zombie invasion for friendship, LTR and possible marriage.

Must be willing to wear a kilt and own his own broadsword.

Must be down to earth kind of guy, no prior convictions, not subject to any criminal investigations. I will look you up on the state access database so don't bother lying about it. Am D/D free, you be too Must hold liberal political views, while still supporting gun ownership, hunting and private land rights.

No racists, homophobes, or fundamentalists. No Jehova Witnesses or Mormons.

Must love dogs and be approved by my dogs. Must be able to ride a horse and allow me to spend large amounts of time with my animals without complaint. Must take me fishing and buy me a pint now and then. You can go out with your buddies too, I am not the jealous sort. But, you better be home each night in case the zombie invasion begins.

I am a strong, intelligent country woman who can drive anything, haul 10 gallons of water to animals at a time, butcher a deer and run a trot line. Country folk will survive.

I really wish I could make this stuff up

I'm looking for a man that will pay for any and all things that I want. You must have an absurd amount of old money inherited from past generations. New money does not interest me unless it is followed by a lineage of pedigree. I also want you to speak with a charming accent and use "thee" "thou" "thy" "ye" and the like. Speech is very important and I want you to sound intelligent, you don't necessarily have to be intelligent, just educated with a degree to support your background.

I want to make sure you're of proper background so I'll request a copy of your family tree with various ties to past royalty. I want you to have a big plantation home that has a name, with a staff that's graciously willing to accommodate any and all of your needs, including an enslaved kitchen girl whom you'll have secretive affairs with in the carriage house out back of your mansion. If she's to fall pregnant, I want her immediately shipped off to serve someone else and a younger, less attractive cook to fill her position. I also want a colorful housekeeper that speaks with a thick accent to bathe and dress me in the mornings. She must be funny without overstepping her boundaries and befriend me while thinking I'm a spoiled, privileged woman. I also want her qualified in midwifery so that when I deliver any future vhildren she will be well informed in birthing so that when the children arrive she can leave the master suite to announce to you and the household with heavy sweat on her brow, that I have brought our first into this world.

I want you to be devilishly handsome. You must have a bronzed and rippling body. You must have long hair that is well maintained without dandruff or split ends. You must also have a large circumcised penis. Any and all body hair must be kept to a minimum and I'd prefer if you waxed. However, you cannot be prettier than me so you must have an odd characteristic like a big nose or ears that stick out. You must also have straight teeth and invest in a good dental plan. You must be athletic and excel in sports such as archery, horse riding, polo, hunting, and golf. You must have several male friends you play with that are not nearly as good as you. As far as your friends go, they must be attractive and charming. They must also have less money than you, except for the one older friend who is insanely good looking and rich, that I later have an affair with. Their wives must be ugly and snobby and spend Sunday's at our home doing little to hide their jealousy over our good fortune.

Perhaps the most difficult request to fulfill, I want you to have a carriage. I realize we're in the middle of the city, but hopefully on your plantation you'll have several acres that we can ride around on. Maybe even a pond where we can stop the carriage and the driver can take the horses a few yards away so they will not do their business in the area where we're having our romantic picnic where you wildly ravage my hungry body. The sex must be earth shattering and my toes must curl when you bring me to orgasm. However, you are not allowed to disclose our bedroom activities to anyone, but merely hint suggestively that our love life is quite satisfactory. If you fit this description, I am casually awaiting your response.

Forever yours, Sleeping Dreamer

Seeking Eunuch

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To my poorly dressed, not-quite-artistic, generically dirty Barista:

I often come to your place of employment for two reasons: (1) to get the fuck away from my parents, with whom I have lived since graduation because the economy hasn't been too kind to people who decided to concentrate in dead languages/liberal arts, and (2) to seek out new and exciting sexual opportunities. Living with one's parents is not particularly kind to one's sex life, and with graduation, so many of those undergraduate opportunities for anonymous sex seem to disappear.

As I sip my four-dollar latte, which is worth about half an hour of unskilled labor at the job I have, for which I am woefully overqualified, and furiously brush away erase turds from my professional school test prep workbook, I survey the cafe for a quick, escapist fantasy. Even though I'm not sure you're not in high school, you're likely the best option for my sick, caffeine-fueled fetish. (Cougarin' it up is the newest thing right? And as a twenty-something, I'm forced to consider statutory). I begin to envision l'affaire du cafe -- some combination of Amelie and the cafe skin scenes from Zack and Miri Make a Porno. But, wait! I suddenly realize I find you less attractive than Seth Rogen. SETH ROGEN.

In order to co-star in my mental menage a deux, you'll need to reconsider your wardrobe, demeanor, hair cut, posture and lifestyle -- or else quit your job, to free up the position for some scrawny, dirty, bearded hipster barista better suited for the part.

Please remove all American Eagle logo T-shirts from your wardrobe. Perhaps you're new to the hip barista world, but know hence forth that deep-V American Appeal T-shirts are the preferred costume choice for barista pornos. That violet shirt will show you are at once confident in your masculinity but also able to appreciate Bon Iver. It will look even better on the floor by the panini press. ;) Consider also exceptionally tight jeans. Much like the glass-covered pastry display, these will allow customers to preview your . . . pastry.

Also, please look to the haircuts of any male who isn't still fretting over the Y2K bug. Any statement you're attempting to make with your matted, overgrown mushroom cut is one of misplaced irony. Please note your hair is not disheveled or wild. Not even Pete Wentz would sport this washed up Backstreet Boys look. Cut it/grow it/dye it. SOMETHING.

On the topic of hair, I doth protest the landing strip-like patch of goatee under your bottom lip and your weak attempt at beard growth. When I look at your mouth/facial hair combo, I think of my own vagina, alarmed at its resemblance to your face, and not imaging the oral pleasures you might provide. While I want no more commitment from you than the time it takes me to re-focus on my problem sets, your beard demands and deserves much more. The beard is in it to win it. Give it a chance.

If you can also manage to slouch a little more, appear slightly more sullen and reassure me that you are/plan to be a graphic designer/grad student/musician/poet, I am sure I can be your little sex pot, all steamed up and ready to shout. You can look forward to a better money shot than the 19 cents I left in your tip jar earlier today.

Are you ready for post-coital discussions of Dave Eggers? Tell me what my favorite Vampire Weekend song is.

Top 10 Funniest Profile Header Messages

10) Feel free to interact with me. All my shots are current!

9) You must be over 5’10” to read this profile.

8) I bathe every day!

7) Is this thing like eBay?

6) Shopping for Guys – And They Said There Was No Such Store!

5) Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until they speak?

4) I'm like poop. The older I get the easier I am to pick up!

3) Coffee, Chocolate, and Men - some things are just better rich.

2) I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

and the number one funniest profile header....

1) Willing to lie about how we met!

Waiting for Ya.

In search of that dude who can/will start drinking at 2pm. (I like to go to bed early)

I'm looking for a guy who has hair that is short (not too short) but kinda long (but not too long, you know?)- no gel, if you please!

non-vegans need not apply.

Sexual interaction would consist of dry humping only. (not willing to negotiate on this one, fellas)

Dates would involve music, blunts, and of course dry humping*.

Must like poop jokes

LOCATION: Philadelphia

"When it shoots out of your bum like a bullet from a gun...Diarrhea Cha-Cha-Cha!" If you think that's funny.. Please write.. and include your favorite poop joke.. Your photo gets mine..

Please note this is the actual photo in the ad--a real cow patty cutie!

Hailey Glassman Match.com Profile Video

Jon Gosselin (from Jon and Kate Plus 8) has a classy new girlfriend...and he met her on Match.com! Check out the never before seen profile video that caught Jon's attention...and his heart! {Thanks Pam for the ad}

Hailey Glassman Match.com Profile Video - watch more funny videos

Spacing out

Sometimes when i'm at work i will space out for like 40 minutes at a time lol,

Like i'm just going through the motions or something. My job isn't even that bad I've just been kinda distracted lately. Eh, i'm sure it's just a phase. Maybe i need a vacation.

This isn't even a personal ad anymore i just turned it into a dairy entry lol. Well I don't know what i'm rambling about, but if you feel like getting to know a crazy person a little better than drop me a line. Gotta get back to spacing out, ttyl

It's me! Every girl ever.

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that.

Hey, let's check out the kitchen.Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

I only date Educated, Articulate, Handsome, Multi-millionaires

((Not the profile pic))

If you are well educated, very successful, handsome and are a nice guy with a "net" worth of over $10,000,000. Tell me about yourself and we may be a match made in heaven

WARNING:

We will have no sex for at least the first 3 dates and maybe much longer!!

I am not interested in guys who just have money and nothing else

And finally, I am looking for a very long term relationship and possible marriage.

Our first date will be at a 5 star restaurant for dinner in Manhattan. If you can't afford the price of admission, don't reply.

When you reply, include information about yourself, a recent photo and tell me if you meet my requirements listed above.

Calling All Losers

Are you a loser, aged 37-50? Are you a lonely, pathetic schlub who can't get any closer to a woman than a 900 number? Do you despair of having a woman speak to you respectfully, let alone date you or touch you? Well, sugar, it's your lucky night. Because a respectable, clean, intelligent, independent, witty, financially secure woman who is fed up with trying to get the attention of respectable, clean, intelligent, independent, witty, financially secure men will seriously consider your offer. Pretty boys, frat brats, software millionaires, endlessly self-promoting Micronerds, salsa-dancing midlife-crisis-clinic navel-gazers, self-obsessed Mountaineers, Dockers-clad Boeing bores, aging hipsters who masturbate to their own blogs...step off, back of the yellow line! Make way for the humble, the beer-gutted, the morbidly obese, the mulleted, the untouchable, the harijans, the rejected! You are my kind of men; you, the repulsive, the socially retarded, are my brothers from another mother.

Don't tell Suze Orman, but this 38-year-old fat chick is putting herself on sale. That's right! In this special offer, I'm lowering my standards to the floor. Apparently, because I'm fat (see picture below), I'm not worth even a polite response from men, let alone a date. I've tried and TRIED to get the attention of men who are my social peers, men I know from work, men I see at church, men with whom I attended school. No dice! Silly moi, thinking I'm good enough for the men I'm surrounded by every day -- when in fact, they deserve lingerie models or mail-order brides who are half their ages. Hey, I just got rejected (by non-response followed by avoidance, no less) by a fat, clumsy slob who comes to work looking like he sleeps in his clothes...but I guess because he's got a job, he's out of my league, and deserves his very own Victoria's Secret catalog model. Oh, the poor thing, having the office fat chick e-mail him! How perfectly dreadful! He must have been so embarrassed.

So I'm moving on...down. Bitter, party of one, your table is SERIOUSLY ready. Nice guys, guys without criminal records, guys without drug habits, guys who read, guys who don't live with their mothers -- yes, all TOO GOOD for me! Come and get it, all ye desperate and lonely, ye self-destructive and miserable, ye of rock-bottom self-esteem. My only criteria:

You bathe
You express yourself well, in English.
You don't have kids
You're aged 37-50
You live in Washington State

That's it! Come to mama, all ye who can't get a date, all ye who would settle for a relationship with any woman who isn't incarcerated, all ye who would be so grateful for some female companionship that you're willing to overlook the fact that your partner weighs 190 lbs. Tell me why women won't even treat you like a human being with feelings. Really, I want to read this. Because I know what it's like. I know what it's like to be a vibrant, vivid, engaging, intelligent person who gets treated like a f*cking piece of vermin-infested furniture because she's overweight.

A Nerd's Wet Dream

Randomness

About to go to sleep soon. I just want to lay back with a cold beer (what's your fav.) and hang out.Well I'm a part time Hooters girl who is in love with star wars. Surprising eh? Growing up with mostly guys in the house, Star Wars was all around me haha. So as you guess I am wanting guy who has equal love for star wars (okay you don't need to love it) and doesn't mind that I am Hooters girl. In addition, you should have to have stable job and don't mind going for walks and you know, the normal stuff :)So don't be a stranger, hope to hear from you soon

I Guess it's Never Been Done

wanna hang out? - 217 (where you want to be)

WE want someone to pay for dinner, a movie, and alcohol. We promise not to sleep with you, but we will be tons of fun - we can promise you that. If you are looking for a good time and some laughs and in general having everyone envy because you have good looking women with you - please contact us immediately. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Woman seeks Man for Manly Duties

LOCATION: Cincinnati

I would like a man to perform some duties that have become beholden to him through generations of selection, and to a lesser degree, racism, sexism and plain stupidity. Here's what I need. I need a man, first and foremost, to get my damn car out of the snow. There's only one of me. I need someone to push it and by "it" I mean car. You can say, "crank it!" or maybe "gun it!" or "that's my FOOT, goddammit!" Seriously I need groceries. Oh. Also I need a tune-up. On the car. I can help, I will purchase the air filter and flushing fluid or whatever. Now, other things I need you to do include some simple patchwork on my walls. Then you'll need to paint of course. I mean, I could do this I guess, but see I lack the tools and this just would be a nice gesture on your part. Also I'm going to need furniture and its subsequent arrangement. You are the perfect candidate what with your higher muscle to fat ratio. Remember to lift with your knees, hon. Also the bathroom is pretty gross. It needs to be finished since my man-boy landlord figure is as useless, as say, the elder Rocky Balboa, electric toothbrushes (are you really so lazy you find the task of rotating toothbrush in circular manner yourself daunting?) and WalMart. I don't currently have anyone whose ass needs to be whooped, but we will work on that. I'd expect no less of you than to fly into a jealous mad rage for my dubious honor. I'd be mad at first but then secretly delighted. I'd also like a man to be more knowledgeable about alcohol than I am. I don't drink that much. But I enjoy it and I don't know what to order. You may NOT take advantage of this arrangement by sitting bourbon in front of me, repeatedly, and letting me drink it because if I didn't it would be wasted. You know how I hate waste. But I also hate dry-heaving and sleeping with my contacts in. I need someone with whom I can purchase a house. You can store your wall patch, metric wrenches, and girly mags (frown) in it and I will store myself and collection of houseplants. I can't justify buying a house myself. And certainly the steps would be crooked or door mishung and there are limits, as mentioned previously, to my supreme handiness. You can have a workshop and I want a large bathtub surrounded my mysterious feminine products subtly reminding me that my wa-hoo is dirty and thus I am not worthy of love/validation. I think we should get some cats. While I have a computer, obviously, it is probably laden with viruses and insecure and god knows what else. I bet you can fix this. I'd also like decent speakers through which to broadcast woxy, wnku, and npr. Really anything with letters. If you are unfamiliar with these broadcasts, please exit stage right and slip on the ice immediately. In return, I perform Womanly Duties that have become beholden to me through generations of selection, and to a lesser degree, racism, sexism, and plain stupidity. They include: being more socially and environmentally conscious than you generally speaking, eating healthy (and making you eat healthy too), being passive-aggressive instead of directly communicating, complaining that you are too sensitive, witholding sex in case of argument, and perhaps bearing your offspring. Things I don't do that women may typically do include shopping (except food and your ass is coming to the farmers market too), asking you about my ass, and talking excessively. Things I find unacceptable but could possibly turn my head if performed your Duties include excess. Such as excessive smoking, excessive gaming, excessive masturbation, excessive TV, excessive leaving your dirty socks/dishes strewn about, really excessive anything. Things you find unacceptable but could possibly turn your head might include: negativity (working on it), thrift (not working on it), excess sarcasm (see previous statement). Also I only really shave during the summer and then only knee-length. Frequently the hair on my head is just out of control. I except that your bad habits will influence me and shorten my life span and my good habits will influence yours and lengthen your life span. Nonetheless, you will die before me and then I'll have to post on Craigslist again. Until then I look forward to your replies which either praise me or tell me to go fuck myself.

Sincerely, Me

Don't Work? Won't Call? I might be the girl for you

LOCATION: Washington DC

Well, since I seem to have a very specific type, I'll just lay it out there. I'm apparently really into the shiftless layabouts. If you are unemployed, unmotivated and possibly still live with your parents... you could be next in my long line of failed relationships! Just think of it... an educated woman to show you how things work (hey, I'm even handy around the house - you won't have to raise a finger!). A woman with drive, ambition and goals to contrast your utter lack of motivation. A girl with a thick skin who can roll with the punches and both dish out AND take jokes... I'll be happy to be the one who doesn't sugar-coat things so that you can blame ME for all of your hurt feelings and failures. It's probably even ALREADY my fault and you haven't even emailed me! I am completely co-depedant, so you don't have to worry about me booting you to the curb over petty things (like finances, commitment or general civility). In fact, you could probably take my cash, sleep with another girl and then come over and break some things in my house and I'd just clean it up and continue along our path of destruction. So if you're looking for a lady to use and abuse, I'm your girl! I have a house, a car, a life, friends, pets and my shit together. Please, I need some sort of zeitgeist in my life to screw all of this up! It's been way too long since I've been reminded of how awesome it is to be undervalued. I'm over on minutes this month, otherwise I'd put my phone number up for you to call right away (either from your parents' landline or collect, from jail). So just email me and maybe we can work something out. Pick you up? Well, yeah, if you need me to! Baltimore? No problem. It's only about an hour's drive. I don't mind one bit, I've got nothing but time!

Lazy Dating

LOCATION: Ireland

Its late,i'm tired and quite frankly I can't be a***d to fill this in-ask me what you want to know and I may or may not answer-depending on my mood at the time :)..huhhhhhhhh have to write more apparently.....i'm wonderful,brilliant,gantastic,funny,sexy,and all that stuff that attracts people!

Originality at its Best

LOCATION: Ontario

Are you tired of all those friendships that never actually come close to reality? Well here is a series of promises that really speak true friendship.. 1: When you are sad: I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ***tard who made you sad.. 2: When you are blue: i will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.. 3: When you smile: i will know you finally got laid.. 4: When you are scared: I will rag on you every chance I get.. 5: When you are worried: I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.. 6: When you are confused: I will use little words.. 7: When you are sick: Stay the hell away from me until you are well again..I dont want whatever you have.. 8: This is my oath: I pledge it to the end..Why?..you may ask,because you are my friend.. REMEMBER: A GOOD FRIEND WILL HELP YOU MOVE..A REALLY GOOD FRIEND WILL HELP YOU MOVE A BODY.. LET ME KNOW IF I EVER NEED TO BRING A SHOVEL..

PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED READ IT AND WEEP LOL

GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CANNOT ACCEPT,AND THE WISDOM TO HIDE THE BODIES OF THOSE PEOPLE I HADTO KILL TODAY BECAUSE THEY PISSED ME OFF.

AND ALSO, HELP ME TO BE CAREFUL OF THE TOES I STEP ON TODAY AS THEY MAY BE CONNECTED TO THE ASS THAT I MAY HAVE TO KISS TOMMOROW LOL

HELP ME TO ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK...12% ON MONDAYS23% ON TUESDAYS40% ON WEDNESDAYS20% ON THURSDAYS5% ON FRIDAYSAND HELP ME TO REMEMBER.....WHEN HAVING A REALLY BAD DAY,AND IT SEEMS THAT PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO PISS ME OFF,THAT IT TAKES 42 MUSCLES TO FROWN ANDONLY 4 TO EXTEND THE MIDDLE FINGER AND TELL THEM TO BITE ME!!

You Know You're Texting Too Much When ...

hello again, well am single mum of 2, thts jst lookin for gen guys 2 hav a chat n get 2 no, bn on ere a year n oh boy wot a laff, am a thin attractive gen lass with a good sense of humor, am a busy mum bt do lyk 2 let my hair down 2 with girls bn single 4 years had a few triels,lol, bt no wot am lookin for, maybe as a like single life 2 much who no's, no pervs please sick of sayin dnt do tht kinda chat guys, x

Dating Ebonics

LOCATION: London

hi.im dee n i am 28.i am a single mom of 2.i like 2go out with my m8s 4 a drink 2 the pub 2 let my hair down n b me.i am easy goin n just in it 2 av a laugh.if this is 4u drop me a line.