Fellow Daters

Monday, August 31, 2009

Hailey Glassman Profile Video

Jon Gosselin (from Jon and Kate Plus 8) has a classy new girlfriend...and he met her on! Check out the never before seen profile video that caught Jon's attention...and his heart! {Thanks Pam for the ad}

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Women's Personal Ads Deciphered

  • 40-ish...Really means...48
  • Athletic...Really means...Flat-chested.
  • Average looking...Really means...Ugly.
  • Beautiful...Really means...Pathological liar.
  • Educated...Really means...College dropout.
  • Emotionally Secure...Really means...Medicated.
  • Feminist...Really means...Fat; ball buster.
  • Free spirit...Really means...Drug user.
  • Friendship first...Really means...Trying to live down reputation as sl*t.
  • Fun...Really means...Annoying.
  • Good Listener...Really means...Borderline Autistic.
  • New-Age...Really means...All body hair, all the time.
  • Old-fashioned...Really means...Lights out, missionary position only.
  • Open-minded...Really means...Desperate.
  • Outgoing...Really means...Loud.
  • Poet...Really means...Depressive Schizophrenic.
  • Professional...Really means...Real Witch.
  • Redhead...Really means...Shops the Clairol section.
  • Reubenesque...Really means...Grossly Fat.
  • Romantic...Really means...Looks better by candle light.
  • Weight proportional to height...Really means...Hugely Fat.
  • Wants Soulmate...Really means...One step away from stalking.
  • Widow...Really means...Nagged first husband to death.

And as an extra bonus….
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on there they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Yeow! Strong Punishment

LOCATION: Virginia Beach

The ideal man-
-is interested in going out with someone new
-understands and enjoys meeting different women of all walks of life lets be honest does it matter how much i make or where i live or what i drive as long as when shes with you she treats you as if you walk on water
-understands that all the Halle's and Beyonce's are taken, and the regular descent looking women are on here are realizing she wont find LL Cool J or Tyson the model on here
-is not a liar and doesnt feel the need to because he realizes the best part of being a Man is being straight up and still being able to get the booty
-open-minded to the fact that women think money first
-knows that women are going to be hesitant to give you the prize... the goodies... if you are not willing to wine dine etc... understands that women feel that a man who will lie will cheat&steal he is a man with no honor n his punishment should be death

-understands his money is not needed but wanted
-understands when he puts out she will put out
-willing to acknowledge that if you dont want to invest you will most likely get the women who will bullshit you and get it in with the man who IS putting out
-understands that we dont want to hear your life story especially when it wont go further than datingor 98% of the time sexing... lets be real this isnt eharmony ... there will be no marriage
-realizes that time and money can impact future dates in many ways, none of them negative
-knows that woman isnt concerned with impressing you, and doesnt care what you have so you should spare all the details
-understands age is never a problem when you are dealing with men and women... not imposters -knows that most women dont need a coach and will automatically know the basics but understands women wont get offended if you tell her YOUR ways
-feels comfortable with who he is, be a MANLY MAN, CONFIDENT, and knows his age doesnt automatically qualify him as a man it is his CHARACTER who defines him if you are short and wide say that if you are balding at 23 say that if you are tall or chunky or have a little pecker SAY THAT women love a SWAG work what you have like everyone else is missing out!
-understands that women feel that a man who will lie will cheat&steal he is a man with no honor n his punishment should be death in case you dont know this is the answer to looking for the ideal woman

If you read this and you felt like i described you in detail... email me... I will be waiting

Friday, August 28, 2009

Picture Imperfect

I guess you never heard of Photoshop.

Your guess is as good as mine as to whom you'll be dating.

Yeah here's a good way to find a long term relationship that you wanted.

Your ability to lace something up is amazing. If I need someone to tie my shoes I'll call you.

Always good to dress up for your profile picture.

Do you normally hang out on roofs?

Let the girls do the talking.

OMG this screams high maintenance.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Seeking Carpenter Ken AKA Ken with a Power Tool

The only thing missing from my life is a great guy with a fabulous torso who wants to come over and work on my house. He wouldn’t live here as he would have a mansion of his own and a job where he magically makes oodles of money. In addition to making oodles of money and keeping up his six pack, he would maintain three cars: a fully restored classic, a car he is currently restoring and a fabulous fast sleek sexy car with great air conditioning.

He would also have lots of time to come over to restore my car, change my oil (while I watch, sipping iced tea with an umbrella in it), clear out my rain gutters, replace my termite-eaten siding, pour a new slab out back, fix the garbage disposal and train my dogs.

While doing this he will always look crisp and clean and hot (but not sweaty). He will immediately sense whenever I begin to feel hungry and will magically change into sexy-night-out-Ken and take me to a fabulous dinner.

Unlike the plastic Ken*, I would prefer him to have nicely proportioned and well hung genitals which I may or may not play with.

*The term "kendoll" refers to the shrinkage of the male genitalia do to cold water or a fearful situation. Such intense shrinkage occurs that the package resembles that of a Ken doll.

I want all this so that I can be in bed by 10pm, reading my book or my magazine or whatever I want to read. At 6am I can get up and go for a run (without my dogs since Ken will be walking them daily), come home, shower, make myself breakfast (Ken doesn’t cook), eat, slowly drink my tea and spend 2 hours writing the screenplay that I started 3 years ago and never found time to finish.

After this time I will go to work on thinking of more things for Ken to do.

In the afternoon, I would like to go for a hike to avoid the loud annoying noises Ken makes while he mows my lawn, trims my trees and saws and drills that new sun portch. When I get home I will vacuum (Ken doesn’t clean) and then Ken will take me to dinner.

Afterwards, he will drop me off in one of his awesome cars, kiss me good night, and I will be in bed by 10pm.

On Friday nights or whenever I want to, Ken will take me after dinner to his mansion where we will spend two hours in his massive master suite in his Ken sized bed. Once I am satisfied, I will fall asleep (by 11pm) and Ken will go sleep in the guest room with the frilly curtains because I can’t sleep sharing a bed. When I wake up in the morning, Ken will return to service me just before his maid comes in with breakfast on a tray (fresh fruit, yogurt and toast for me). The maid will have a fabulous cleavage that I will feel no shame at staring at but all in all she will be obviously just a little less hot that me.

On Saturday, Ken will take me to some romantic spot that I have never been and will have hidden away somewhere a nice cold bottle of champagne or some beers which he will produce at just the right moment. He will also magically produce peppered brie cheese, crackers and fruit (preferably organic berries).

Then he will return me to my house so I can write, read and think while he shops for furniture.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Another Slob Here

Oh, sure. I can call myself a "BBW" (big beautiful woman) like others who resort to euphemisms. But the truth is more simple. Precisely like these other women, I am a slob. A butter hog. A tub of lard. I eat way more calories that I expend, I have rolls of fat throughout my body, and I'll demand that you accept me just as I am.

Despite my amazing combination of righteousness and lack of appeal, and a certain sour smell "down there," I'll also make a point of saying I won't respond to you if you're only interested in sex. Like anyone really wants to screw a hippo like me!

But I'm also compassionate. Meaning: You're free to send me a photo and tell me all about your wonderful self, like I'm in any position to judge your worthiness. You'll do this because you're desperate enough to fuck a hog like me. Who's the real loser here?

Oink, where's my slop?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Do you have elf ears or resemble Tom Hanks?

then you should join the circus.I am looking for an easy going guy. if you like surfing or the beach, then you can piss off. i hate the beach. i would much rather be at the desert or hiking in the sierras.

do you like art, staying in your awesome apartment or seeing a show downtown? then go to hell. i love going to shitty bars and having a mess of a good time in the weirdest situations.

do you have lots of friends that are women? then I will stab them in the heart because i am the only woman rocking your tiny you enjoy making your own decisions and having free will? well thats too damn bad.

do you like to play with fire, drink beer, eat pizza, go hiking, ride motorcycles, go fishing, snowboard, go to places uninvited, litter, ignore dishes in the sink, and call in sick 4/5 days of the workweek? then you and i need to do it.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Spacing out

Sometimes when i'm at work i will space out for like 40 minutes at a time lol,

Like i'm just going through the motions or something. My job isn't even that bad I've just been kinda distracted lately. Eh, i'm sure it's just a phase. Maybe i need a vacation.

This isn't even a personal ad anymore i just turned it into a dairy entry lol. Well I don't know what i'm rambling about, but if you feel like getting to know a crazy person a little better than drop me a line. Gotta get back to spacing out, ttyl

Sunday, August 23, 2009

If you answer this ad, you deserve whatever you get

I don't know what I'm looking for, and I don't know why I filled this thing out. It mostly is killing time while it's so cold outside.

I have not met very many people since I moved here. I spend most of my time working and doing art at home. I live with a lot of people, I own a dog who is the love of my life. (try to beat that!)It would be nice to go on a date or something but my broken heart has kind of given up on anything real. [...]

I'm naughty and a bitch, I'm probably some poor boy (or girls) nightmare. But that's only if I'm feeling manic. And from time to time that does happen. But the truth is, I am me, and I would only want to meet people who would like to know me for who I am. So piss off if you only want to get laid. Unless your super hot. Haha, see I can be just as shallow as the next person.

Do I think anything will come of this? No. But what's the harm?

Friday, August 21, 2009

Looking to date outside of my number ranking

Simply put, i'm a ten. I have everything going in my life, looks, great career, great friends, and i a shag like a minx.

But alas, I am still single.I believe this is due in part because I only date other attractive people. So, i'm going to throw caution to the wind, and try dating outside of my number.

I need to be worshiped for the goddess that I am.

I need you to do anything to keep me satisfied. This may mean living in constant fear that I will at any time break up with you. I have moderate taste, but whats more is I need someone who is extremely financially secure. I'm willing to give up looks, but financial stability is non-negotiable.

I'm 24, and not interested in dating my grandfather. Your sense of humor is of no particular importance, because well, i'm funny enough for both of us.

Please respond, as this is time sensitive. I fear this is a momentary lapse in judgement.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

It's me! Every girl ever.

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that.

Hey, let's check out the kitchen.Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Sweet Maverick seeks Commitment-Minded Professor or Researcher

If you accept that I am an intuitive and unconventional soul of high integrity; if you accept that I cannot march but to the beat of my own drum, you may be a good fit to become my best friend and life partner.

Since I have been surrounded by brilliant academics all through my life, I know for sure that they are my best match. A slightly Bohemian, unattached, monogamous and spiritual scholar would be my ideal counterpart.

My exes are academics as well, and I did help them a lot in editing their articles and keynote speeches.

Words like casual dating, instant gratification and one-night stand are entirely missing from my dictionary. If you live by different rules, you are reading the wrong ad.

I am a lot of women in a woman. Everything you have gone through in Life, I went through ten times worse and ten times longer.

However, instead of surrendering my fate to priests, doctors, lawyers, gurus, MBAs and other consultants, I joyfully connect to the Inner Light of my own Soul. That makes me one of a kind and keeps me young.

As the only Eastern-type mystic in a European Judeo-Christian family of left-brain governed, high-profile intellectuals, I consider myself unique.

Although my peers, friends and family views me as someone whose thinking is a few sigma from the median, we love each other endlessly; that is all what counts.

When my parents first brought me back from the hospital in early spring, our courtyard became full of blooming yellow roses. This is a rare occurrence in my home country, so a relative of ours sought out for a Rebbe to decipher this coincidence.

We learnt from the holy man that I came to this planet to manifest the qualities of Tiferet, the Sacred Heart of the Tree of Life. (Wiki has a good explanation).

Later on in my life, the same Rebbe agreed to teach me the basics of Kabbala / Zohar at times and in a country where this mystical knowledge was forbidden to females. Let alone goyishe kups!

I cannot take ANY credit for my verbal dexterity, astuteness and general mind power. It comes directly from my Dad. I inherited my teaching talent from him as well. Although he should have been a stand-up comedian, he was a top academic instructor of his field until he moved on to do other things.

My converted Catholic Mum is fully responsible for the pragmatic streak in me.

My polyglot grandparents passed on some genes to have a decent working knowledge of at least half-a-dozen languages.

My former professors and my family will forever resent the fact that in spite of the top grades I got, I decided not to continue on with a Ph.D. in cognitive neuroscience.

The world may have lost a bright scholar, but humanity may have gained a humble servant with a compassionate heart. I feel I fulfill my soul purpose better as a performer of random acts of kindness and senseless beauty. (I do them in secret; that is pretty much the only secret I keep�)

Like a typical only child, solitude is my bliss and being self-sufficient is my middle name; however, my EQ score did not fall in my lap. Loneliness and/or boredom are unknown to me.

My close friends tell me that I am much like Madonna. I do admire her discipline, determination and her willingness to change perpetually. I also have a special connection with dance (classical ballet). However, I used to be cast in shows with spiritual themes.

Choreographers recognized early on that my body and artistic expression is well suited to express and transmit powerful female energies (i.e. Shiva�s wives, Tara, Celtic goddesses, Pocahontas and the like).

I can compose faster than most people talk, but I probably reached the point of no return as it comes to an average human�s focus of attention.

As I end this message, I genuinely thank you for reading this missive. I believe it is not a coincidence that you read it. Allow me to send you love in this moment. We know that time is an illusion, right?


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Picture Imperfect

Plunging your toilet is so sexy.

That's right forget the face. Show what most guys want to see.

A little early to show your silly side.

A bad time to be checking if you have gum on your shoe.

You would rather show us your stud instead of your eyes. Interesting.

Are you trying to say that guys like you?

She's looking for someone to hang out with. I think she's already hanging out.

Oh yeah, this says so much about you.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Reasons why I should be your girl: The punk/alternative edition.

LOCATION: Cleveland

I'm sick of dating insipid, ungrateful assholes. I'm not going to spew a bunch of bullshit like other ads saying that "OMG I NEED A REEEALL MAAN WHO CAN TAKE CARE OF MEEE". Truth is, I'm in college, you're (hopefully) between the ages of 18-23, and probably don't have a 9 to 5 white-collar job with a 401k that pays enough for you to drive your badass porsche. And you know what? That's fine with me.

Anyway. Onto the whole "reasons" portion of my ad. I will give it to you in list form because that seems better than assaulting you with a wall of text.

1. I am smart enough to use big words in appropriate situations.
2. I have a mohawk. A fairly large mohawk, a few piercings, and can sport a pretty unpleasant scowl when necessary. no one's going to fuck with you if they see your girlfriend's some punkass bitch that could probably curbstomp their head in, right?
3. I am a legit bisexual, I've dated girls before. That means I've been on your side of this whole "relationship" thing. I am not going to try and imprison you with my compulsive girly insecurities. I'm not going to make you stop hanging out with your friends or prevent you from going to shows. I won't even tell you to stop guzzling nasty PBR or to put that fatass joint down long enough to have a coherent conversation. And I'm certainly not going to bitch about it to my other lady friends behind your back (unless you fail to share said fatass joint with me.)
4. I am well-read. I am very familiar with most pop-culture references (especially ones that deal with retro shit- my specialty.) so on the off chance that you're sober enough to drop some laugh-inducing reference to a terrible 80's move you saw when watching TNT the other day, I WILL ACTUALLY GET IT.
6. I love movies. I love HORROR movies, and the older/low-budget they are, the better. I think films such as Braindead, Army of Darkness, or Nekromantik are fucking hilarious. That means that you won't have to worry about spending precious money on movie theater dates, because chances are, I already bought/legally obtained that shit. The only exception would fall under Rocky Horror midnight showings.
7. I can sew and paint. That means I can make awesome patches of your favorite crust bands, then sew them onto your totally awesome punk rock jacket for you. I can also do deathrock, anarcho, and most psychobilly logos, too.
8. Remember the bisexual thing? I'm not going to bitch when you remark about how Kat Von D/Bettie Paige/Patricia Day/[insert other pinup model name here] is totally bangin'. In fact, I'll most likely agree with you and then continue painting the Crass symbol onto the back of your favorite black t-shirt.
9. I'm loyal. Do you know how hard it is to come accross a guy like you? Of course you don't. So if you really are the one-in-a-million, smart, funny, attractive, punkass shithead that I'm looking for, I will not be looking elsewhere. I promise!
10. I can cook anything for you, as long as a microwave is involved at some point.
11. Are you computer retarded? No problem. I pretty much rule at computers and can probably fix it for you! How useful is that?!
12. I enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke. Being a smoker isn't a necessity, but if you do smoke, that's pretty damn hot, so I'm not going to bitch at you to quit.
13. I am impressed by the little things. You don't have to buy me shit to make me happy. You don't have to clean up nice and take me out to a semi-fancy restaurant. You can continue to spit on the ground, make sarcastic remarks about how society "conforms to generalizations created by capitalist pigs", and laugh about skull-fucking dead babies. Being yourself is good enough. Just be able to come around and see me every once in a while, k?

Hope that covers everything. If I'm the sort of classy broad that's worth your time, please feel free to message.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Picture Imperfect

Showing your true colors.

You couldn't find another picture to use.

While your profession is a noble one, it doesn't bring any romantic feelings.

Yes I will put anything in my mouth.

Is this Mr. Soon-to-be-replaced?

Interesting way to show, but not show your face.

The view you will get if you're lucky.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Please rate your damage on a scale of one to ten

LOCATION: San Francisco

Got a number? Good. See below for scoring, etc:

Damage Rating 1-3: You either haven't met the right girl or you have a good therapist. You're too healthy for me. Sorry, and best of luck.

Damage Rating 4-5: You're on the right track, but honestly, I bet you're too young for me. Write me in a few years.

Damage Rating 6-7: Hold on, I have to get rid of these other guys first.

Damage Rating 8-10: Sorry, you're too fucked up, even for me. Ok, if you're in the damage rating are of a 6-7 we may have some damage in common.

First, please send me an email about the girl who damaged you. It's important that I know about my "competition" even though it's obviously over and you'll never get her back and I'm (sadly) your best hope right now.

Here are some things you should know about me: Yes, I will probably damage you too because.......well, because it's what I do. And, unlike Amy Winehouse, I won't tell you I'm bad....because I'm not (really). I have no tattoos or super kinky sexual fetishes; I have a job in the financial district and I sit next to you on Muni and you wonder what the hell a girl like me has on her ipod?

I am (told) I am cute and a have a "girl next door" vibe and I'm sweet and your mom will like me. That alone shoud have you worried. I have a four legged companion and it is important that you realize early on that HE will always be first in my heart. Always. Interests include food, music, art, travel, reading, hiking, . Ideally, you are 35-43 and live in the city.

So, to repeat, please send email about your damage and the bitch responsible, please include relevant stats: (age, occupation, city of residence, etc), a recent pic or two and why you hate looking for love.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I only date Educated, Articulate, Handsome, Multi-millionaires

((Not the profile pic))

If you are well educated, very successful, handsome and are a nice guy with a "net" worth of over $10,000,000. Tell me about yourself and we may be a match made in heaven


We will have no sex for at least the first 3 dates and maybe much longer!!

I am not interested in guys who just have money and nothing else

And finally, I am looking for a very long term relationship and possible marriage.

Our first date will be at a 5 star restaurant for dinner in Manhattan. If you can't afford the price of admission, don't reply.

When you reply, include information about yourself, a recent photo and tell me if you meet my requirements listed above.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Dear New York City:

I can't express enough how much I love the opportunity to experience new things and meet new people.

Oh, p.s. I WANT A BABY.

A little about me:

I love dancing (to attract men with whom to have a baby), reading (about babies), anything outdoors (where I can be seen by men who might want to impregnate me), and most water related activities (so I can have fun imagining what any potential babies in my stomach may one day experience.)

I love shopping (two reasons - I can look at everyone elses babies in the store, but, more importantly, I can buy clothing by which to lure potential sperm donors) and generally, just having a "good time" (thinking about babies).

I'm ideally looking for a friend with similar interests and personality (or not), with enough differences to challenge me to the next level, which, of course, involves having 3-4 babies.



Tuesday, August 11, 2009

10 Reasons You Shouldn't Date Me

1 - I am a single parent - and god knows we're common enough, you should waste your time elsewhere.

2 - I do have stretch marks - as kat williams says, " either you were small and got big, or you were big and got small, but either way ... we're fuckin!"

3 - I am not a virgin. nor am i anorexic. nor docile nor desiring of abuse. nor petite, nor in need of rescuing as i am rarely in distress. in fact i am a multi-orgasmic, sex-positive tomboy. I am highly intellectual if you care to engage me in conversation - but if you don't, I will silently fuck your brains out, rock your world and leave you wondering who I was , for the rest of your sweet, sweet precous life.

4 - I'm an artist. And everyone knows how crazy artists are. That craziness may include indulging in adult pleasures, disregarding societal conventions, or merely extremely ill-advised fashion choices.

5 - I'm not a supermodel!! Physically speaking, I don't fit into any one category. Tall ... Curvalicious, but proportionate. Five foot nine or ten, about 180-something with major curves in all the right places. Caramel-colored, curly-haired, wide-grinned, ethnically vague, I am commonly mistaken for a white girl on the phone or a Hispanic girl on the telemarketers lists, and a black chick by my politics (Obama '08!). :) I've even been mistaken for Hawaiian or other South Asian. So, I don't fit into whatever box you've decided your trophy wife will reside in. I'm not particularly sorry. I don't think you should be either! I have a decidedly live and let live philosophy.

6 - sorry all you cute Jewish guys that dig me, I'm not jewish - in fact i'm not even white! We can pretend but we both know your mom is totally going to freak. Let's save ourselves the agony.

7 - I'm sorry, I'm just way too tall for you. Unless you're six foot, if I wear heels I'm going to dwarf and emasculate you. And I like you too much to do that to you.

8 - You really hate sexual experimentation, and independent art, music, or any other deviation from normal society. In fact you're quite Republican and couldn't ever tolerate someone with a fresh perspective.

9 - I like trees, so if you're a lumberjack, we just wouldn't work out. really.

10 - You're just not ready for a woman who will love you and take care of you to the very marrow of your bones, and treat you like royalty, and not even have to expect that you will reciprocate ... because she knows that you will.

If you're not ready, I don't judge you. I salute you and move on. Peace.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Due to poor demand I have lowered my standards

I haven't been on a date in almost two years, and that date went so badly I ended up running away, literally.

You know where that guy took me? Behind a bush to make out. We went for a walk, he checked out every girl that passed us and then took a b-line behind a plant. And if that wasn't bad enough his breath was rank, like he had festering sewage fermenting in his stomach.

A few months previous to this I had a bad date at a coworker's house where I accidently lost my virginity while watching TV. I was watching that HBO movie about that guy who was in Doctor Strangelove. It was the scene where he's talking to Stanley Kubrick, I wasn't paying attention and all of a sudden this guy inserted his penis into my vagina. He was finished before I even had time to properly react. He went to take a shower and I was just lying there thinking "what the fuck just happened."

So basically it wouldn't take much to impress me. I am not overweight.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The few, the proud, the rare 1% will succeed

If you belong to any 'faith-based' religion...don't bother contacting me. I am a self proclaimed hedonistic instigator with no interest in dumb men who want their egos stroked or want petite/cute-cuddly/short/lovable-romantic/asian/easily dominated prey.

If you're looking for someone to have a few beers, shoot pool, or feel like bothering the human race for sheer sport, then step on up. I am single, never married, no kids, and totally healthy.

I am not bisexual, gay, or interested in entertaining the male race with tantric massage excuses. I absolutely cannot stand the new-age, flaky, extremely liberal crowd.

I don't like 'pretty boys' who need lots of attention ...particularly those that 'string' along a few women at a time because they enjoy the control freak game. -Yuppies, hippies, metrosexuals, preppies, NASCAR/sports fanatics, and atypical professional-business types should look elsewhere. I don't dress to impress, and live a low-matainance lifestyle.

If you

· are married (or mess around with married couples)
· involved in a relationship
· are of an ethnic background which isn't Irish
· have kids
· messy divorce issues
· have a boring career/life
· are republican/conservative
· are fat/flabby, smoke
· do drugs (or have addiction problems)
· have a criminal record
· stupid, lazy
· soley depend upon videogames/internet for self-entertainment
· are clinically insane
· listen to stupid music (Yanni)
· are hairy/poor hygiene
· have no life
· stay indoors on a regular basis
· have anger management problems
· are white trash
· are a nerd/geek
· are below the age of 35 (I prefer 35-42)
· are infected with an STD/incurable disease

...then GO AWAY and don't bother me.

If you cannot 'hang' in an Irish police/fire bar, than keep on 'truckin. I listen to serious hardcore (Disturbed, Pantera, Nonpoint) which fit's my lifestyle. If you are someone who has to ask "turn that music down!", then you're too old.

What career guy I am looking for: If you belong to the government world/involved with first responder work (fire, police, US&R, military) and have a suitable clearance level and meet the previous criteria, then you're 'golden' for at least an email in response.

I work with every type of first responder, all levels of law enforcement, military and federal support during active incident operations in the field.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Picture Imperfect

I'm tired of my dog humping me. I need a real boyfriend.

You shouldn't date when you're living out of your car.

This whole lesbian thing probably makes it harder to find a guy.

If this is what your ideal guy looks like then you may have a problem.

Showing that you're an alcoholic before you meet may not be the best way to go.

I think you're missing something.

You're having problems finding someone?

Showing that "O" face.

Yeah this really shows a lot. A lot of nothing.

I'm not quite sure this is what they meant when they said put your best foot forward.

Be my hug bunny!!!!!

((Not the image from the profile))

LOCATION: Philadelphia

have you ever been watching bambi and you saw thumper, and you thought hey, thats just like me? if so you might be the guy for me!!!!

i love guys that are like bunnies, and like to hop around. i have a puffy rabbit tail with velcro you can wear also. personally im not like a bunny at all, mainly a ferret, but according to the good book these are two extrmeely compatible animals.

i love the outdoors, i set up a tent on the grass between two highways often and just listen to the cars whoosh by. id love if you joined me and hopped around in the grass eating twigs and stuff like rabbits do. we could play on or in a hollowed out log also. maybe we can return to my burrow, er, studio apartment to watch a disney film and snuggle once it gets dark??

hope to hear from my bunny rabbit man soon!! i know youre out there baby!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

losers need not apply


(No this was not on a sex site)

i am a spunky and funny chick that is a little shy at first. i like to go out and have fun with my friends. i am a city girl but i also like to go skiing or hiking in the mountains. i am looking to meet cute, lean, guys or girls with good since of humor, non-flaky, and is not vain. i work a lot so I'm not looking for someone really needy.there for i'm not looking for a relationship at first. just cool people to hang out with. i do not date smokers or drug users! so here's some crap i like....guiness, bowling,concerts, roller skating, acting like a jackass, red wine, traveling, latex clothes, boots, nipple tape, geee thats random, drunk bingo at the ho, if you don't know what the 'ho' is you haven't lived in atl long enough, poking dead things with sticks, ramdom acts of wierdness, trivia...i know tons of useless crap, cartoons,comedy..i love to laugh, ****ing at the yuppie douche bag when they come into the cleremont, boobies... who doesn't love boobies!, saying stuff that will make you squerm, food..i'm thin but i heart eating, educational tv, movies, stuff and things but mainly stuff, girls and boys that like to be spanked hahaha... if i haven't listed it it's cause i got tired of typing hehe!

i'm a crazy bitch

LOCATION: Philadelphia

i'm not your average girl. i don't look like every other girl on here.

i don't act like one. i can guarantee you i'm a hell of a lot more complex than the majority of them. i used to cut myself when i was younger. y'know, to get the pain i was feeling inside to show on the outside. some pathetic shit like that. i'm pretty much over that, but i still am not quite a happy-go-lucky person. i take antidepressants.

i'm extremely insecure and lonely. so i'd like to find a guy willing to take that kind of challenge on.

if i found someone who actually really was interested in learning about me, who showed an interest in my thoughts and feelings, i think i might fall over. of course i would do the same.

i just feel like i'll never find anyone who could put up with me. prove me wrong.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Hey Outer Space, got any extra single guys? Hook me up!


You have no idea how hard it is to find a great guy here... you'd think, what with several MILLION eligible singles in New York City, it'd be easier.

Actually, I think the numbers are working against us. Neanderthal man and woman (our evolutionary precursors, if you will) didn't have to deal with so many choices. I'm afraid all these options have addled our little brains a bit... but I digress.

So, here's the deal. I'm a female (the model with the parts that theoretically make it possible for me to incubate a new human.) There are two models of humans... it's very important here which one you are and which one you like. In terms of dating, that is.

Anyway, I prefer to mate with males. They are the model with a bit sticking out that enables them to, um, well... A guy. I want a guy.

Look it up, mkay? I've got many of the attributes that are supposed to help me find a great guy, but, well, the process is a bit complicated. It takes time. Considerable time... I believe they beamed you a nice little drawing of a man a few dozen years ago. You can use that as a guide.

Pretty much, I would like him to stick around for about 50 years. Regular vacations to interesting places, good conversations about all sorts of things, some general silliness, some romantic time, some space (sorry, no pun intended) and a willingness to basically be friends for life are all ideals. More than two months would be a nice start. I could pretty much take it from there.

So, outer space, you got any single guys you'd like to send my way?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Picture Imperfect

Hey you get the pick of the litter here.

Yes the I had to go to a hotel and shoot my picture in a mirror because I know no one.

Is someone using a Lindsay Lohan picture?

Oooo x-rayed.

I know a good chiropractor who can help you with that back.

Forget the face. Just show off the goods.

I'm looking for a daddy figure.

I have no idea who he is. He just hopped into the picture.

It's always good to have a wedding dress handy when you start dating.

Wanted: Replacement boyfriend.

Ever feel alone in a crowd ?


I am talented, attactive, smart, professional female looking for the same in my soulmate. I have been married three times and the current one is not working out.

Why is not important at this stage.

Your having something better is important. I have hazel eyes, and dark brown hair and I have kept a nice figure considering I have two childern ages 2 and 6. My stats are 36-28-36, five-five and 130 lbs.

I am looking for a serious man who needs a real woman. Someone who is on the larger side, hopefully with blue eyes and who is protective and takes control of things. I want someone with character and drive that knows in his heart that once is never enough. For the right man I can move mountians.

Monday, August 3, 2009


( (this is not the picture from the profile, but it fit so well))


Im 20 years old and i have a 7 month old boy! hes my world and i love him to death! i was with a guy for 2 yrs and i got pregnant which was planned and we split up 2 weeks before i had my kid! which was shitty but oh well!

So no i didnt just get knocked up! ok!

Anyways i have a full time job!monday thru friday! 8 to 5!! I work for TDC! if you know what that is! We take care of all the prisons! Crazy job let me tell ya!

Anyways i am a party girl! and i love to have fun! well when my mom watches my kid for me! but i can hang with the boys! might be falling over and throwing up but for sure i can hang!

I love to play softball! i have all my life! i had all my plans for my future but when i met this guy i thought i would spend my life with him so i kinda put it on hold and now i have a baby but i am going to go to SHSU! to get my masters in business!

But it will have to wait for right now! i want my boy to grow up a little bit! i am a fun girl! and a beautiful one at that! im not being selfish! but i know that i am beautiful and i dont take that as a complement!

i know one day a guy will love me for me and not because of my beauty! im not the skinnest girl but i love myself and thats all that matters!

ok let me tell you what i like in a guy! well im a white girl as you can see! so i like white guys! sorry but i come from a good background and i just dont think that its right to mix races! but i did have the best black friends when i was growning up but no offense and im sorry!

but im 5'8 so my guy would have to be around 6 ft! i love guys that are tall! im kinda a mix from country to prep! i love my 7 acres of land i got at home but i also love to wear all the cute clothes!! and i like my guy to do the same! i love guys that wear the jeans with the holes in them! and the cute t-shirts that say things on them! i like guys that wear collars or a button down shirt for when we do special things!!

i love a guy that has some muscles! you dont have to be mucho man or anything! really i just want a guy who is descent and has a good furture ahead of him! thats what i need for my boy! i want someone who will stand by my side and be there when i need him! for him to love my boy and love me the same! for him to have a good head on his shoulders and know what makes me happy!

i want a guy that loves to go out and party or just stay home and watch a movie and eat dinner together! i love a guy that would rather spend time with me then go out with the boys! i love a guy that wont get jeolous when i wanta go out with my girls! because im trustworthy and im honest!

Hopefully you can see the guy that i want! i have never done this before!

i love my life and i have worked hard for everything that i have! and you would be crazy not to be apart of it! i have got fucked over to many times and i wont let it happen again!

if you like what you read or see just write me and send a pic and we can go from there! have a good day!! heather!!

Sunday, August 2, 2009




So is there any CORPORATE THUGS out there? You know the type who hold it down in the conference room by day, by night thuged outed with his homeboys.

Yeah, I'm looking for a BOSS, educated, tall 6'1 & up, classy, sexy, smells good, wears suits and ties, you know the type that's making the BIG CORPORATE DEALS.

Yes I'm only looking for a brother. Nothing against any other races, but I love DARK CHOCOLATE!

So brothers if your nickname is BLACK, BLU, CHOCOLATE, MIDNIGHT etc.,cause you so dark,then HOLLA! Nothing against BOJZEE(corporate)brothers but they bore me after a while! Oh me yes, I'm a corporate SISTA, can be BOJZEE but HOOD.

Confident, Classy, Sexy, Sensual, Well-Travel, pretty smile. I'm 5'7 and I wear heels so, you see my intrest in a TALL brother.

So, if your the type to hold the broadroom down,and can get off work and take me to a JAY-Z or ICE CUBE concert.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Now with even lower standards!

LOCATION: Portland

Due to shortages in men in the Greater Portland Area, the following categories of unforgivable lowlifes have been promoted to "potential relationship material" for me:
-Daily pot smokers
-My intellectual inferiors
-Dirty, smelly coffee shop poets
-Possessive types
-Women haters
-Men old enough to be my Dad
-My Dad
-Anyone else in my family, including the remains of my dead grandfather
-People who can't spell and refuse to use spell check
-Negative, angry types
-Politicians/the criminally insane
-Smokers who pretend to be non-smokers
-Vain, self-centered artists
-Drama queens
-Guys who always get dumped and can't figure out why
-The dental-hygienically challenged
-Anyone with that shit-eating fetish
-People who ever liked the band "Book of Love"
-Pig Fuckers
-Pink shirt wearing corporate capitalist dick heads who drive fancy cars
-Free loaders
-Your dumb friend, age 37, who still plays video games after work
-Anyone with a toupee
-The insecure
-Humorless "business" types
-Mama's Boys
-Sex addicts
-Infantile fuckwits who blame everyone else for their problems
-Bad kissers
-The fiscally irresponsible
-Underachieving slacker dudes
-Anyone in any kind of tribute band

Hope to hear from you soon!