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Fellow Daters

Friday, July 31, 2009

I do not want another I-pod break-up.

LOCATION: Austin

So, I am looking for someone new.

I recently got out of a 3 year relationship that ended over an ipod. I can't believe something so great could be thrown away over an ipod. So, for our three year anniversary I was asked what I wanted and I said I have been dying for an ipod touch and that I would do anything for one. I even said it could be a used one from a pawnshop. I was told by my bf that I was not worth it.

Can you believe that?

I am worth that and a whole lot more. I am 5 4 black hair, green eyes, a great smile, and an amazing personality. I enjoy going out and shooting pool with the boys, or just chillin at someones house. I like movies and live music. I am also way into rollerderby. It is my passion and I skate as many times a week as I can. I am just looking for someone who wants to enjoy me the way I can be enjoyed. I am tired of the past relationships I have been in and I want something new. I am not looking for anyone super rich or super hot.

I want someone who can be who they are around me and be proud of it. I am really fun and easy going. I am not super popular, but I do have quite and entourage. I am a awesome person to know! So anyone interested? If so, please get back to me!

Oh, and I never got my ipod......I am a sad girl, but I am sure I will get over it. Ipods are good, but good company is amazing!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Personal Ads Broken Down


You're so crazy, I think I want to have your baby!!

LOCATION: San Francisco

Its pretty simple. I am 30 and there is no long line of suitors in sight, so I am hoping to find a healthy straight guy with a good heart, that would like to enable my dream of being a mother. This isn't a rigid add full of expectations, and I am certainly flexible in considering what you have to offer but this is what I am looking for:

1) a Straight, healthy and medically screened candidate (blue eyes a plus).

2) Physical Attraction and chemistry for the best chances of conceiving.

3) A contract, outlining the terms of our "engagement" and I don't mean wedding. For example, you may want visitation and to be a part of the kids life. I may want $1500.00 a month stipend strictly for daycare and school costs. The $1500.00 of course will be facilitated in a legal manner that will prohibit the need to argue over money.

4) I have a great job and great benefits so I may want to pop out two or three over the next couple of years. Back to back. I want them close in age. You don't have to be there, but if that's important to you.....I am flexible on that.

5) I have a great supportive family and can handle the rest.

If you are as crazy as I am, and think this may be something you would consider....we should meet and talk in person.

About Me:
· 30
· Disease and Drug Free
· Successful
· Animal Lover
· Tons of close friends with children who can't wait to help me.
· Straight
· Methodist
· Attractive
· Athletic
· Excited to have a baby.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

They have Fancy Clinical Names for People Like Me

LOCATION: NYC

On The First Date:

I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.

In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)

I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone. I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it". I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.

I may call you the following day. I may not.

On The Second Date:

I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave.

I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.

YOU MUST BE:
· Funny
· Loquacious
· Single (that means not LEGALLY married)
· Under 55 & over 25
· Not a baby-daddy
· Drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
· Sarcastic
· Well-mannered, for appearances
· Able to leave work at work. this implies employment
· Educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
· NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
· Act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.

I AM...
· Over one-night stands.
· Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed.
· Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.
· Able to say "NO" and scream "YES".
· Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witt

TOGETHER, WE WILL
· Bowl
· Play trivia
· Act like raging dickheads in public establishments
· Giggle at midgets
· Fornicate regularly
· Discuss books
· Perhaps smoke *winkwink* excessively if the mood strikes, and it will.
· Often laugh at others and harder at ourselves
· One-up eachother

WE WILL NOT :
· Involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.
· Yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
· Be dishonest
· Care what everyone else thinks
· Do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
· Throw low-blows in times of frustration

Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at...

I'm not fat. I'm a pretty healthy individual. I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond.

I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out.

I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.

Bring your A-game, bitches!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Physcho Stalker Girlfriend Needs A Boyfriend or GF

LOCATION: NYC

I like to go in my room, turn off all the lights, and listen to the song "Kim" by Eminem.

Every man I have loved. I have loved deeply. My thoughts were consumed by them. I gave them absurd amounts of gifts, made all of their sexual fantasies come true, starved myself for the ones that were obsessed with size O girls and got a boob job for the ones that wanted the plastic playboy playmate.

Every time they called I would go running to them. No questions asked. They cheated on me, were in love with other girls, and stopped calling me eventually. So now I'm psychotic. I cut myself because I bleed for these men. I hope they can see my pain. I let drug dealers dope me out with all kinds of drugs and do whatever they want to me because I don't care anymore.

I am looking for a man that wants nothing more than a girlfriend. That hearts girls with issues. If u like drinking liquor till you're out cold.. we would get along. I am a highly successful person that is a workaholic and driven to go past success into greatness. I am just dying and sad inside. I need someone that likes that.

To all the ladies... I am into women too. I'm smoother than a man, with the sex appeal and skills of a stripper and private party master. I'll treat you to every dream you have ever had since you were a little girl. I'll lick you better than a man into something a little better than a meth/ectasy experience. I am extremely feminine but I will take you in bed girl.

With love,

The crazy girl that will do her best to change your life.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Picture Imperfect

This always gives me a nice warm feeling when I see it on someone's profile. WTF?

I guess she's very proud of that piercing.

Not quite sure if she's showing her personality or ability.

That's right, just forget the face picture and just show him what he'll be seeing.
Yes I want a man that's not after my body.

Good eating habits are always sexy.

I guess no one told her that's rude.

Letting the girls do the talking.

Never a good idea to take your picture after a week of doing crystal meth.

Take note: This is open body language.

Less "girls gone wild," More "girls gone off their meds

LOCATION: Philadelphia

Oh, the allure of the Crazy Girl! When you think of her, your mind probably conjures images of the girl at the bar who drinks too many martinis in order to forget about her parents’ divorce and who makes out with her (female) friends to keep her tab low and the martinis flowing.

Or perhaps you think of your ex, the one who threw a coffee mug and three plates at your head because you didn’t ask how her day was, and then as she was dressing your wounds she burst into tears and declared that she wanted to have your babies and move to the country with you, etc. (edited to leave out the part about all the animals she wanted to acquire for your working farm).

But there’s another kind of Crazy Girl. Not the girl whose every action screams “love me, validate me”; not the girl whose erratic behavior would lead you to keep a knife under your pillow if only you could be certain that she wouldn’t find it and stab you (“How could you possibly think I’m dangerous?!" *stab stab stab*).

What of the Crazy Girl who’s just wildly, achingly depressed?

This kind of Crazy needs companionship and affection too, you know. Sometimes this kind of Crazy is like, “Damn, if I’m going to stay in bed all day, it would be nice to have a dude here with me.” Or, “Perhaps I could leave the house to meet a stranger from the internet; that sounds like just the sort of non-emotionally-reckless thing I could use in my life.”

The thing is, I’m that kind of Crazy…for now. I’ve been playing fast and loose with my brain chemistry for too long though, and experiencing some seriously troubling results, so I’m getting back on the pills that’ll make me reasonably sane.

Which means that my window of Crazy is closing.

We have approximately two weeks before I’m like, “I think I’m ready to work through my self-esteem issues now.” We’ll have to act quickly but I think we can do it; I’ve probably got a few more good post-coital crying jags left, and I’ve managed to condense my entire sad tale of middle-class neurosis and ennui and general existential despair into the time it takes to drink 1.5 vodka-based drinks, so I’ve pretty much already planned our first date.

So. What do you think? Ready to toss aside all those tired stereotypes about Crazy Girls and spend some time with the real (mentally-ill) thing? If nothing else, I promise not to stab you.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Lets get married tomorrow

LOCATION: Phoenix

I decided tomorrow I want to get married...So any takers?

Im attractive, not a psycho...well not completly:)- have a job, car, my own place, im very independent...i love sex and my husband will have to be able to keep up with me...ive never wanted to get married...ever.

But life is pretty boring right now and i feel like if i get married at least its something exciting. So ur probably wondering if im all these great things why dont I have a man...ha I get asked that everytime i go on a first date. I always dread that question, but truth is once i sleep with the man i lose interest...stupidly. But i figure if im married, that means:

· A this person is as spontaneous as I am
· B I cant just walk away...and
· C hopefully he will satisfy me.

AND I dont want to get messages saying marriage is sacred I cant do this blah blah blah because to that i say bullshit. Anyone should be allowed to get married to who they choose and get married for whatever reasons they choose. I choose to marry a stranger because maybe that stranger is who im looking for.

I will send a photo if I recieve a photo...Im looking for someone thats between 21-33, attractive...obviously :) Has their own place, job, ect. Someone who has his shit together but crazy enough to marry a stranger...Race doesnt matter but i love latin men and black/ mixed with something men .

PS i dont cook!

Necrophiliac seeking Corpse

Seeking a tall, well-muscled insomniac to indulge a very particular fantasy. I would like to see you lie motionless on a green-and-cream chintz bedspread, face-up, wearing only your plaid boxer shorts, with your arms crossed on your chest like a corpse at an open-casket funeral. You will sleep like a cat, and I will watch you, ignore you, go out for a coffee, or possibly photograph you with my BlackBerry. When you awaken, we will watch low-quality American television and eat coconut sorbet. Snorers, sheet-stealers, seafood-eaters and those with a post-CEGEP education need not apply.

Friday, July 24, 2009

We can Git-r-Done at the top of the Raddison

LOCATION: Houston

My whole world has been brown, black and purple, yet I still am looking for Mr. Right, thus the reason for this add. I'd prefer someone between 34 & 51. However, some 34-year-old guys are still immature & some 51-year-old guys are as well! So, it's really difficult to specify.

I am a lady who has been dumped on a lot. I have 2 children and am currently pregnant, which is why right now my body is considered as thick. When not pregnant, I like the bar scene but not too often. Friends thrust me because i am worth it. I try to do people the way I want to be done. Any topic should be open for discussion from what's for dinner, to sex, to how are we going to pay for that. I do have plans on furthering myself in the knowledge of books. I want someone who is intellectually intellegent. I can go gambling and not worry about money; willing to go to like six flags and ride rides. I do live on my own with a roomate. And I do get irrated very easily....I have aquariums with fish in them. Its important to have fish in them, if there were no fish them it would be so boring looking at water and rocks. I do not like being caught in the rain.

I have been married a few times,; the last one was a mistake.

i am mostly an easy going girl but i do have a temper and i will stick up for myself when i feel the need. i hate it when a man takes you out and looks at other women. i have been hurt alot so i have a guard up, but feel free to try to break it down. i love to bake things but i don't think that i am that good at it, but people have told me i am. Honestly, im really looking for someone who likes to wash dishes. I love to cook but I hate to clean up the kitchen. If there is anyone out there that likes to eat and then clean send me a message. Also, I dont like anyone that is into self-mutilation because I want someone that has some degree of self respect.

Favorite things: watching a thunderstorm front move in; licking chocholate batter from the bowel; drinking Tarantula while floating on the lake with friends.

Last read: stuffWhat I've learned from my past relationships: nothinMy idea of the perfect first date: Meeting for dinner and then go sit in a park and talk. Or if the weather is bad go out to dinner and then go dancing

Favorite hot spots: going to the country bar and sports bar and strip clubs sometimes

This time it's about me. My name is anna, and my theory is if you want to know more about me you can try asking.

Photos of course.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Wanted Stoner Boyfriend

Where are all the cool hippy guys out there? I would drive to Santa Cruz, park my fine ass in a park, playing my ukulele, eating tofu jerky, waving a clear baggy of catnip tied to a stick and spend a day trying to lure a cool stoner to join me on my blanket of love…,but I have a real 8-5 job and can’t afford that luxury. So where do I find one of you earthenware brothas?

I’m tired of shmuckety-schmuck yuppies with money. Frankly, their cars are usually a better ride than they are. That, and they’re notorious cheaters. It’s as if faithfulness dives to the ground on the seesaw when success, money, and a hot car rises to the sky on the other end. Before any of you peg me as some kind of sad self-pitying chick whose Daddy left her & so she is doomed to chase cheaters & beaters and sabotages her relationships because she feels unworthy of a man’s love, just know that I do not engage in self-pity, ever, because I have a great life full of blessings & achievements & I realize I have it better than 99% of the world’s population. That, and I have a great relationship with my father. I’m just slamming a certain segment of the population that I have had extensive personal experience with.

In my quest for the “right” boyfriend, (right for me, right for right now, whatever) I have dated various types, from the poor starving artist, to the self-absorbed bodybuilder, to sugardaddy types, to the intellectual Seinfeld guy next door. They all failed, though not always miserably. Yet, being the eternal optimist, I am on to the next type and, fingers crossed, we will hit the mark for a good time. At least I think I’d know what to expect with a cool stoner guy (though surprises are nice). I’m thinking…..MELLOW TIMES. I like to laugh.

Here are my revised criteria for the next boyfriend-You must be either: a) an unemployed djembe player (if you must google djembe, then you’re obviously not down to par) b) a trust fund baby with real, intended if not realized, artistic goals c) just plain confused about why the hell you haven’t packed up & moved to the islands yet d) employed at some warehouse, the atmosphere of which leads you to gripe about the “establishment” and the political agenda of your Nazi floor supervisor.

You must have scruffy, shaggy hair, all over, preferably, au natural, be it on your face, head, or body. Bonus points if you smell like patchouli. Dress in soft cargo shorts & thrift store shirts, own no socks and not enough sandals & look rockin’ in either snowboard/surfer gear, or shirtless if you’re a rockclimber. You have a favorite hat, favorite pajamas, and a good luck charm.

You must live in either Santa Cruz or a treehouse. Somewhere with a lot of trees, preferably, so we could take nature walks & oil paint the pretty flowers together. One of us would have to purchase a compass or be able to navigate by sun/stars in case we get lost out there.

You must either: a) own a car that you can’t drive b) drive a car you don’t own c) have the ability to drive my car, if not the urge to want to. I am happy to provide & fulfill the various material needs of this relationship, however I do like to be treated like a lady now & again and be driven around by her smooth new stoner boyfriend. It’s cool. I have a convertible. No, not everyone is looking at you.

You must love to eat, because I love to cook. I can fix us stoner-approved goodies like an array of munchy crunchy finger foods OR I can cook a gourmet dinner that won’t be lost on your extra-heightened tastebuds. One thing I won’t do is use flaxseed because that crap gave me an allergic reaction and my tongue turned blue & I spoke with a lame novocaine-like fubblelisp for days. You must love to cuddle and be happy to leave a shirt that smells like you for me to sniff when you’re not around. I will not be burning incense in your absence, so this seemingly tiny detail is critical.

Since I am the professional career woman and will be supporting you & financing most of our outings, it is critical that you be thoughtful, entertaining or have some talent(s) to amuse us with. I will buy you that new surfboard if you design something out of hemp rope & barbwire (to showcase the symbiosis of Nature & Man) for me to hang as a mobile above our bed.

You should probably have a prescription for ya medicine, feel? I mean, if you have no choice but to get it illegally, then I understand, it’s just that they issue you these cool little ‘green cards’ when you’re under a cool Doctor’s dope Rx.

You must be comfortable giving & receiving massages and capable of lots of stimulating sexoccupations because there’s nothing hotter than being able to do yoga in bed, balancing Funyuns on our nipples, engaging in textural pudding wrestling, blowing smokeballs in each other’s mouths, and bragging to friends about the time when you should’ve pulled a tantric muscle but didn’t, because Maaan, that shit’s sooo ___fill in the blank__.

Most of our time together, after my long boring day in corporate America, will be spent a) smoking b) gettin’ busy c) eating d) playing videogames e) nature hikes f) planning the secession of Northern California

Okay, that’s about it. I like all types & races of men, your smile & eyes are most important. Of course, be in relatively good shape (it’ll come in handy for the yoga payoff) and taller than me (I’m 5’6’). Also, no one over 33.

If you are still a stoner at 34, then somewhere your mama went wrong. If you or someone you know fits all or most of the criteria above, and is generally a nice guy with few baggage (that he can remember), pass him my way.

Peace

~Future stoner chick-a-boom-puffpuff

I'll Cook and Fuck, Just Do My Dishes

LOCATION: Seattle

I love to cook, but lately, I have not been doing it nearly as frequently as I should. I live by myself, and cooking for one and then having to clean the goddamned mess seems like a total hassle. That said, if you promise to be a regular fuck buddy, then I'll guarantee satisfying you in more than one way. I've been told that I'm a great cook and a great fuck. I'm a vegetarian with a bald pussy. Doesn't cunnilingus on me sound fun?Now here is the deal. You must do my dishes, and I am very particular about how clean they must be. I really hate doing them, but when I do, they are squeaky clean (you should be able to get that squeak when your fingers rub against my tupperware), so you best be able to handle that. After that, I'll happily ride the shit out of you or let you fuck me from behind. Really, all positions are open to debate.I can handle a few grammatical errors in an email, but if you come off as sounding as though you cannot write a coherent sentence, it's a total turnoff. As for hygiene, I do not need someone who has a major case of OCD, but guys, let's be honest. You need to bathe more frequently than women do, and if you do not maintain a regimen of bathing, brushing and flossing your teeth, and wiping your ass, can I truly trust you to wash my dishes? I would insist on seeing tasteful photos of you, and I'll enjoy throwing your dick shot photos into my new shredder and then into my trash folder.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Don't Overly Boast About Yourself

I am a white woman, below average looks and intelligence, but I make up for it in other ways. I have a good job and own my own home. I am looking for a Native American man to help me find my Native part of me. I believe I was NA in a past life and would like that to be validated now and I think having a NA man for a partner would help. You can live in my home and I will pay all the bills. All I ask is that you take part in NA ceremonies with me as your partner and help me get into ceremonies where I wouldn't otherwise be welcomed. Only serious inquiries please.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Honesty, not always the best choice

LOCATION: Long Beach, CA

So what happened to all of the good men? Is there a shortage of them these days or are only the assholes left? I just wanna meet a nice, genuine, intelligent male. Of course he has to meet certain criteria: I prefer my men between the ages of 23-35, caucasian (sorry, it's just a preference), 5'10" and taller, and just have a good heart. About me: email me and I will tell ya if you are really interested. Good luck to everyone on here!!!

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Asshole Gene

Sassy, Loud, Sweet.. - 21

LOCATION: Portland

I'm Britney. Hi. :D I not actually sure what I'm looking for. I am sassy and upbeat most of the time, and I try not to dwell on the past to much. I like kittens, and books. I'm a dork. I like orchids and the summer time. I love having fun. I truly believe that if you do something that isn't fun, it's not worth doing. Life is way to short, and to waste those precious seconds on boring smile-less crusades. I love to write, even if they don’t mean anything, just putting my thoughts on paper is what I like. Now, the bad: I smoke cigarettes. I drink accusingly with my roommates. Not a bar kind of girl most of the time, but I could be persuaded if necessary. I’m looking for someone who challenge me, but isn’t an asshole. Now, I understand that most men can’t shake the asshole gene that they have been born with and I can forgive that most of the time. Taller then me is a must, but it’s not to hard since I am short. In the end, I actually looking for someone can actually have me on their mind more then, their job, or car, or ex-girlfriend.

WTF?

Not what I usually look for in my date, but hey that's me.

Transformers, it's not just toys from the 80s anymore - 37

Can you defeat me at Road Rage?
Adult Swim anyone?
How about bowling? -ok, I'm that not good in that department...

I'm a silly sort. But be prepared to talk Transformers at any given moment, and not just the recent movies. Transformers is part of my social network, it's not just a part-time hobby (I have about 500 of the toys -would had been more, but the economy has hit me pretty hard, gotta window shop toys for now). Perhaps you know someone who is also a collector/ fan,
Please let them know a fembot Transfan exist in Clark County!

You: single/ divorced between the ages of 27 and 38 I like white guys I like tallish
Clean cut, no long hair some tatoos are fine, piercings are not a turn on.
No smoking of any kind, no drug use at all
Must be a huge animal lover!

Me: checkah checkah out 5'4" green/ brown eyes thick dark brown, naturally spiral curly hair past my waist full lips curvy body no tatoos very soft skin glasses witty sense of humour and cheeky, too! Lastly, I do have 1 child, who lives part time with my ex husband. I date when he's not around. I'm not having any more children, mine's perfect, no need for do-overs!

LoL If you're still here, maybe you should click the blue link and respond, eh?

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Picture Imperfect

At least clean your room up before you take a picture.
Never buy that cheap spray on tan.

Looking for that long, meaningful relationship.


That's right get your game face on.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Sex Sells in Dating

High class escorts available.

Wanna guess if I'm wearing panties?

New sugar daddy wanted.


The Y is open for business.

I need someone to help pay for my pole dancing classes. Maybe it's you?

Hate it when your date can't hold her alcohol.

The view is extra with the room.






This could be yours if the price is right.


Some Mystery is Good


HMMMM....WELL I'M JUST RETIRED FROM EXOTIC DANCING..A LONG CAREER THAT PAID ME VERY WELL AND I LUVED...LOOKIN TOBUY SOME LAND AND SETTLE INTO A ROUTINE AND DIG IN THE DIRT

I'M GETTING GOOD AT GARDENING AND HAVE HARVESTED SOME VEGGIES ALREADY...I HAVE A COUPLE OF BIG MELONS I'M PROUD OF

MY INTEREST IS TO FILL A BIT OF TIME AND HAVE FUN..WHEN AND IF THE TIME COMES I WILL DATE.....FREEDOM IS MORE IMPORTANT AT THIS TIME

BUT BEWARE....I AM MORE THAN A HANDFUL

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A PIC YOU ARE MARRIED PROBABLY.....

THE ONE THAT GETS ME IS ....I'M BEING STALKED....OR...TO MANY WOMEN CALLING ME AND I HAD TO TAKE IT DOWN...SHEESH...GIMME A FRIGGIN BREAK