I would like a man to perform some duties that have become beholden to him through generations of selection, and to a lesser degree, racism, sexism and plain stupidity. Here's what I need. I need a man, first and foremost, to get my damn car out of the snow. There's only one of me. I need someone to push it and by "it" I mean car. You can say, "crank it!" or maybe "gun it!" or "that's my FOOT, goddammit!" Seriously I need groceries. Oh. Also I need a tune-up. On the car. I can help, I will purchase the air filter and flushing fluid or whatever. Now, other things I need you to do include some simple patchwork on my walls. Then you'll need to paint of course. I mean, I could do this I guess, but see I lack the tools and this just would be a nice gesture on your part. Also I'm going to need furniture and its subsequent arrangement. You are the perfect candidate what with your higher muscle to fat ratio. Remember to lift with your knees, hon. Also the bathroom is pretty gross. It needs to be finished since my man-boy landlord figure is as useless, as say, the elder Rocky Balboa, electric toothbrushes (are you really so lazy you find the task of rotating toothbrush in circular manner yourself daunting?) and WalMart. I don't currently have anyone whose ass needs to be whooped, but we will work on that. I'd expect no less of you than to fly into a jealous mad rage for my dubious honor. I'd be mad at first but then secretly delighted. I'd also like a man to be more knowledgeable about alcohol than I am. I don't drink that much. But I enjoy it and I don't know what to order. You may NOT take advantage of this arrangement by sitting bourbon in front of me, repeatedly, and letting me drink it because if I didn't it would be wasted. You know how I hate waste. But I also hate dry-heaving and sleeping with my contacts in. I need someone with whom I can purchase a house. You can store your wall patch, metric wrenches, and girly mags (frown) in it and I will store myself and collection of houseplants. I can't justify buying a house myself. And certainly the steps would be crooked or door mishung and there are limits, as mentioned previously, to my supreme handiness. You can have a workshop and I want a large bathtub surrounded my mysterious feminine products subtly reminding me that my wa-hoo is dirty and thus I am not worthy of love/validation. I think we should get some cats. While I have a computer, obviously, it is probably laden with viruses and insecure and god knows what else. I bet you can fix this. I'd also like decent speakers through which to broadcast woxy, wnku, and npr. Really anything with letters. If you are unfamiliar with these broadcasts, please exit stage right and slip on the ice immediately. In return, I perform Womanly Duties that have become beholden to me through generations of selection, and to a lesser degree, racism, sexism, and plain stupidity. They include: being more socially and environmentally conscious than you generally speaking, eating healthy (and making you eat healthy too), being passive-aggressive instead of directly communicating, complaining that you are too sensitive, witholding sex in case of argument, and perhaps bearing your offspring. Things I don't do that women may typically do include shopping (except food and your ass is coming to the farmers market too), asking you about my ass, and talking excessively. Things I find unacceptable but could possibly turn my head if performed your Duties include excess. Such as excessive smoking, excessive gaming, excessive masturbation, excessive TV, excessive leaving your dirty socks/dishes strewn about, really excessive anything. Things you find unacceptable but could possibly turn your head might include: negativity (working on it), thrift (not working on it), excess sarcasm (see previous statement). Also I only really shave during the summer and then only knee-length. Frequently the hair on my head is just out of control. I except that your bad habits will influence me and shorten my life span and my good habits will influence yours and lengthen your life span. Nonetheless, you will die before me and then I'll have to post on Craigslist again. Until then I look forward to your replies which either praise me or tell me to go fuck myself.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
LOCATION: Vancouver BC
The guy (or maybe guys, who knows) I'm looking for watch(es) a LOT of hentai. You have a very high sex drive and watch hentai most days, if not every day. You often find yourself getting off watching hentai more than once in a day. Some days you get off several times. The only thing that you think would make your hentai watching experience better is if you had a pussy to fuck while you watched. Not a fake one, a girl who wants you to give it to her good while you watch your favourite hentai. To be clear you don't want to have sex with a girl INSTEAD of watching hentai, you just want her pussy instead of your hand WHILE you're watching. Well, I'm your girl. I'm a petite girl, slim with long red hair and brown eyes. The plan: We spend a day together, probably a full 8 hours or so. I spend the entire day either naked or wearing a short skirt and no panties as you prefer. You spend the day playing video games, watching anime (whatever it is you'd like to do) and watching hentai as often as you feel inclined. I'll be hanging out close by reading a book. Every time you get turned on you tell me you want sex and tell me whether you want it missionary or doggy style. I put down my book and get into the position you request in such a way that you can still see the hentai you were watching, lubing myself a little if necessary. You put your dick in me, watch the hentai (this is important, no sex without watching hentai), and thrust until you cum. NO foreplay is involved with the exception of a little groping if you wish. You don't need to worry about lasting long or making me cum because the idea is that this is as much like masturbation as possible except you use my pussy instead of your hand because pussies feel better. Experience and penis size are also not important. What IS important though is frequency - you need to be able to do this at least once an hour. This is a very important part of what I want, just a couple times is not enough. There is no maximum amount, you can fuck me as many times as you want within the agreed upon timeframe. To encourage you to do this as often as possible only vaginal penetration is allowed until you've done that at least 12 times at which point you can use my ass if you like. If you think you're the guy I'm describing please send me a message and tell me a little about yourself - hobbies, your favourite anime/games, why you like hentai, whether you've had sex before, what the most you can cum in a day is, things like that - and include a few screen shots of your favourite hentai so I know what you like. A picture of yourself would be nice but it's not mandatory. Also, if you like the sound of this but think you wouldn't be able to have sex that much then I'm open to you and a friend sharing the job.
LOCATION: Washington DC
Well, since I seem to have a very specific type, I'll just lay it out there. I'm apparently really into the shiftless layabouts. If you are unemployed, unmotivated and possibly still live with your parents... you could be next in my long line of failed relationships! Just think of it... an educated woman to show you how things work (hey, I'm even handy around the house - you won't have to raise a finger!). A woman with drive, ambition and goals to contrast your utter lack of motivation. A girl with a thick skin who can roll with the punches and both dish out AND take jokes... I'll be happy to be the one who doesn't sugar-coat things so that you can blame ME for all of your hurt feelings and failures. It's probably even ALREADY my fault and you haven't even emailed me! I am completely co-depedant, so you don't have to worry about me booting you to the curb over petty things (like finances, commitment or general civility). In fact, you could probably take my cash, sleep with another girl and then come over and break some things in my house and I'd just clean it up and continue along our path of destruction. So if you're looking for a lady to use and abuse, I'm your girl! I have a house, a car, a life, friends, pets and my shit together. Please, I need some sort of zeitgeist in my life to screw all of this up! It's been way too long since I've been reminded of how awesome it is to be undervalued. I'm over on minutes this month, otherwise I'd put my phone number up for you to call right away (either from your parents' landline or collect, from jail). So just email me and maybe we can work something out. Pick you up? Well, yeah, if you need me to! Baltimore? No problem. It's only about an hour's drive. I don't mind one bit, I've got nothing but time!
After too many trips to Home Depot and Lowe's it has become apparent to me that I need a husband. I am currently accepting applications. Suitable candidates should be able to demonstrate proof of the following:
- ability to fix stuff around the house, car repair a major plus - can lift heavy objects without complaining - can offer an opinion on home decorations (but not too vociferously should they differ from my own) - ability to get lid off tough jars/cans of paint/other packaging - ability to carry stuff for me where necessary - high boredom threshold re. multiple trips to Lowe's and Home Depot - high performing "man parts" Ability to carry out minor plumbing and electrical projects, hold a conversation on a variety of topics, some level of social skills, emotional maturity, creativity, interest in culture/politics etc and financial solvency are a plus but not essential. Well, on that last point... I do want a boob job and can't really afford one. Bonus points for: ownership of power tools (and knowledge of how to use them) and suitable transport for necessary purchases.
What you will get is a wife who fits the following description:
- brown hair and eyes, average height, curvy figure - no kids, no drama - relatively intelligent/interesting/attractive - considered to have a somewhat dry sense of humor - raised in the south and has good southern manners - can take me to meet your mom/boss/friends without embarrassment - loves sex and will put you to the test to keep up with her
Please send applications including full relationship history, previous 'fixing stuff' experience, salary details, your social security number, your mother’s maiden name, full medical history, five references, your inside leg measurement and shoe size to the CL email address above. Preliminary interviews will be held in the coming weeks and may include a practical exercise. Previous applicants need not apply.
Monday, March 16, 2009
TO ALL AVAILABLE MEN SO… I’m single, tired of mingling, and looking to get hitched. Thing is, I’m pretty frustrated with the legwork and my solution is to pass the buck on to my parents and let them go ahead and choose for me, the way it was (is) done in the good old days (South Asia). So if you’re a single guy, hoping for marriage and kids (not more than two) in the future, and willing to roll with the punches, let’s get your folks in on this too. Here’s what I’m thinking… You respond to this with your parental contact info, which I will pass along to mine… Then, I figure we can just butt out until the wedding. Let’s let them hammer out the details, investigate compatibility, and argue about a dowry. Me: 26 year old female with a generally positive outlook on life, one salary, three piercings, zero tattoos, one car, one hamster, and one (slightly used) vagina. I’d be willing to consider getting re-virginized if this is a deal-breaker for your family. I’d prefer not to convert to your religion, but I would consider relocation if my travel expenses were covered. Looking forward to the big day. Maybe we’ll meet once or twice before then… I’m leaving that up to my mom.
Monday, March 2, 2009
LOCATION: Oklahoma City
DECIDED FOR LENT AND FOR THE 20 YEAR OLDS TO LEAVE ME ALONE I WOULD COME CLEAN, NO WRINKLES OR VARICOSE VEINS,MY BODY STILL SMOOTH AND NO CELLUITE,YET TO COME CLEAN ABOUT MY AGE. I DO NOT FEEL IT OR LOOK IT.I'M 53 TODAY HAPPY HAPPY PEYTON NOT 40. Like younger men only because alot of people my age have the grandchildren and feel life is over.I'm known for being a prankster, keeping good relationships with exes and doing a right on impersonation of Reba.A mutual friend of mine in Calif mentioned that our mutual friend an ex of mine wanted to know if it was ok to write to me. So I looked up his number he manages apts and announced in my Reba voice I needed an apt. My gosh his voice hadn't changed in 26 years only more professional."Hold on let me turn down the radio.""Can't ya afford a tv?""What of course i just listen to a radio while I work on apartments.""Have cable?""Well sure you can have cable.""How much more is the cable""You get it on your own now how big of a place do you need?""Have five kids.""So a three bedroom then.""Well thats three kids and the other two aren't human."'Uh what do you mean they aren't human""Have a dog and a cat.""Sorry no pets allowed.""Like pigs?""Like pigs what? What does pigs, yes I like pigs"Yeah that's what your ex girlfriend said."! Started laughingPeyton!Wanted to apologize 26 years later about being an idiot, first guy to ever propose to me at 17. HAVE THE YOUTHFULNESS HEALTH BODY OF SOMEBODY 15 YEARS OR MORE YEARS YOUNGER, I CHOSE TO BE 12 YEARS YOUNGER TO SEE IF I COULD GET BY WITH IT AS I PREFER MEN 8-10 YEARS MY JUNIOR.THEN THE 20 YEAR OLDS STARTED CHASING ME AND I HAVE A 23YEAR OLD SON AND THAT FELT LIKE CHILD MOLESTATION FOR THEM TO EVEN VIEW MY PHOTO.It's just a number. And if you feel I'm an old bag tough I feel sexier and prettier.REDHEADED WILDCAT,PART IRISH,POSSIBLE TOUCHUPS BY LOREAL, HEY I'M WORTH IT!Freelance writer which means we're poor but like the freedom and novelist) looking for her best friend. Not marriage not a one night stand. My best friends have always been men.I'm part Irish part Cherokee with German and Scot thrown in for good measure. I am a free lance writer and novelist in the process of adapting my first novel into a screenplay.Being a parent with clean cut drug free well educated and mannered children is my biggest accomplishment especially when they say I get it Mom, thanks.Love to travel and learn new cultures and new languages and make new friends. While working as a volunteer in International Adoptions in countries where they actually allow adoptions and I actually qualified my two youngest girls have known from day one they are adopted, and are proud of their heritage. We celebrate American and their traditions too.I'm very outgoing, very affectionate, a sudden downpour of rain catching you offguard cracks me up, I try to find the humour in everything.I've raised my children that the word cannot does not exist, that I will do my bestI may not like something they did but my love for them is unconditional it grows everyday, same with a friend or loved one.Life is too short to hold a grudge.People who know me will tell you that I am non judgemental and my arms and friendship are always open wide.Not God, just a decent human being.But if you shoot Bambi or squirrels who live behind my house there is no way we can get alongWant to be loved but not owned and put on a pedastel and kept under lock and key.I am comfortable preparing and hosting a formal dinner for 20 to wearing jeans walking barefoot and snuggling. I do not own real jewelry or a mansion-figue I'll end up in one for a day and won't even be alive to enjoy it. May have a prerecording, are we having fun yet when people pass by.My ex and I are best friends calls me the poor Carrie Bradshaw of shoes. When growing up we were so poor had to staple or glue my shoes together. Have alot of shoes from discount stores as do my children for security. No designer brands but because I'm short and have long dancer legs I only wear 4inch heels and boots with stockings and dresses.Arriving in OKC March 14 with my best friend my 20 year old daughter Mandi my twin now flying-cheaper than the speeding tickets i would accumulate or giving the flying finger award I'd be giving truckers-no I wasn't going to flash my boobies-just because I flew nude in a traffic reporter's plane in my 20's does not mean i'm going to flash my boobies at truckers!I'm a respectful mother of 4 kids, well get me my rocker I'm 53. Yeah like that would happen. I do not go to class reunions because the first thing that comes up is how my boobs got stuck in the gate at play rehearsalI am just so cute
Sunday, March 1, 2009
LOCATION: Virginia Beach
Well hello. before you read further im here for no games.. so if this is you then move on... Im 22 and have a beautiful 2yr old daughter. I am a goal seeker and have accomplished most of my goals already. Im a very loving and passionate woman and love to cuddle. I dont want to jump into something serious initially but I am looking for a long term relationship as Im not into flings. Would obviously like to get to know you first. I dont like wasting time. Im a mother and have respect for for myself. Well anyway. Im originally from NY.. my family is still there. Im here with my little one. and been here for a little over 3 years. Im coming out of a 9 year relationship with my daughters father so im a very committed person. Unfortanatly things didnt work and Im ready to move on and get treated the way I deserve. You must love FAMILY as I am a family person. Im not into the clubs and the drinking scene but i can have a good time every now and again. I just want to be loved, treated with respect, a faithful man, and someone who is ready to sweep me off my feet. You must have a good job, good head on your shoulders and definitely responsible. If you think this is you than just reply with a photo and a little about yourself and I'll send you mine. oops and I almost forgot. Im Puerto Rican. 5'6 avaerage weight. not skin and bones and definitely not fat. just thick in the right places if u know what i mean. just an FYI- im very confident and all about natural beauty!
LOCATION: Hampton Roads
Never tried this before... I have no idea how this is going to turn out...but here it goes...So my sister is making me do this because she think I need to. Bah, just because she is getting married, she thinks she knows everything! I don't know if I need this, but it would be nice to meet a great guy. I love my family and want a man who cares about his loved ones as well.So don't be a stranger, hope to hear from you soon
ARE YOU SERIOUS: You really wonderful men on here who wonder why nice women have attitudes or do not seem to want to accept a date with you... Well let me tell you why? Perfect example... a man I have NEVER looked at or spoke to his hame on here is jsbattman (who is nothing to look at himself) emailed me for the 1st time today telling me to stop in at the "BBW party in southgate tonight". Yes I am not a tiny model and I should not have to explain to that shallow a s s that I was put on steroids for medical reason the last 12 months gaining weight. Yes my pics are current... yes I belong in a size 12 but that should not matter. MR. jsbattman you really need to look at why you are single and you can kiss my amazing big A S S and when you are doing that look at how big it is because it matches the size of my heart! A heart you will never experience! So nice men you wonder why it is so hard to date quality on here because guys like jsbattman mess it up for you! Who goes through life being so shallow and mean? Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder... someone is not attractive to you then move on why be disrespectful? A S S!NOTE: I DID NOT WRITE THE ABOVE SO YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME... THERE IS NOTHING TO FEEL BAD FOR...I AM SOOOOOOOOO FINE! I KNOW WHO I AM... KNOW WHAT I AM WORTH... WHAT I WANT... AND I KIND OF LIKE THE JUNK IN THE TRUNK A BIT MORE THAT I LIKE TO ADMIT. I POSTED IT SO HE WOULD FEEL THE JERK HE IS AND SO YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS FOR US WITH THE JERKS AND PLAYER OUT HERE. WHEN WE PUT YOU OFF AND WANT BABY STEPS IT BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE HIM. DON'T GET DOWN ON YOURSELVES OR TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY WE JUST GO THROUGH A LOT OF A S S HOLES!Hello thanks for peeking at my profile!What do you wish to know about me? Just ask away??? Seriously ask… I will be honest!I have been out in this wild world of dating for about a year and YES have met some wonderful men… some unique men... and a few not so wonderful ones too! LOL! With me it is really simple… BE REAL! If what you wrote in your profile is TRUTH and you can walk your own talk then do say hello. I want to get to know more about the person you wrote about… not who you wish you were. PLAYERS NOT INTERESTED! If you are player then move on… I DO like to play however with the right partner and one who can match my MVP status! I am very open and honest! I am not the kind of girl who leaves you guessing what I want… how I feel… or if you screwed up you will know why? I can communicate very well and if you don’t want to know what I think then don’t ask! I expect honestly and communication no matter what in friends and more than friends.You can dress me up and take me out or I can kick back in jeans and drink a beer while the game is on. I like and do both! As for look… I have amazing curves and great assets! If you don’t like junk in the trunk them move on… I have it… love it and use it! One guy asked if I like kids… Love kids however the mother’s and their drama I wont deal with so have your ex’s in check!If you are not confident in yourself and your dating ability then please move on until you are ready! I know what I am worth… what I deserve… and makes me smile… you think you’ve got what it takes then please do say hello!Finally, I am not in your face blunt as you may feel after reading the above. I am very sweet... romantic... sassy... and love to laugh. I just really am tired of meeting men on here that can't be honest with themselves or anybody else for that matter. Life it so short... why lie and pretend to be what you are not? Celebrate who you are and that magical someone will appear and like or even love you for YOU the Real You! There is a special someone for everone once you know how special you are!Smiles to you:)